


Lost and Broken

by TarynMercury



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: F/M, Kidnapping, PTSD, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-29
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-11-17 06:58:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 52,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/548849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TarynMercury/pseuds/TarynMercury
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared disappears from a Las Vegas casino and is found a year later. Thinking Jared is dead, Shannon and Lexi find comfort in each others arms . How are they going to deal with Jared's return?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What if I wanted to break?

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I started this story over 4 years ago. I've read a few "kidnapped" stories, and I've read countless fanfics over the many years I've been reading fanfics. Every one I've read has inspired me in some way. However, this story is completely my own.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not know any of the members of 30 Seconds to Mars or their families and friends and have no idea how they would act in any given situation. The OFC belongs to me. This is a work of fiction with no disrespect intended.  
> *I DO NOT give permission for any of my stories to be reposted anywhere!*  
> **Warnings: Graphic descriptions of violence and rape spoken of in past tense but germane to the overall plot of the story.
> 
> If you like this story please recommend it to a friend!

Lexi sat in a chair by the window staring at the rain. It was coming down in buckets. The wind was blowing so hard it was raining sideways. The lightening flashed, lighting up the entire room. She knew she shouldn't be sitting by the window but she didn't care at the moment. She just sat there smoking her cigarette, staring out at the storm. Every once in a while she'd turn to look at Jared sleeping on the bed. It was a fitful sleep, full of nightmares, she was sure. He was curled up tight in the fetal position, sometimes sighing or whimpering as she watched his body twitch in small spasms. She sighed heavily and took a long drag off her cigarette. At least the screaming stopped. When they brought him home nearly three weeks ago he spent the first three days waking up screaming. It was the only real vocal sound he made. He'd wake up screaming and Lexi would hold him tight and shush him, stroking his hair and softly talking to him until he stopped. She'd then bury her face in the back of his neck and quietly cry, still holding him tight, wrapped around him as close as she could. Now, he still didn't talk but at least he didn't scream anymore. 

She heard Shannon in his room and got up to see him. She stopped and tucked the blanket tighter around Jared. He shivered a little and let out a small whimper. She stroked his hair and said, "I'm going to talk to Shannon. I'll be right back, baby." She leaned down and kissed his temple watching him shrink back slightly.

Lexi softly knocked on Shannon's door across the hallway. "Hey" he said, opening the door to let her in. "How is he?"  
Lexi sighed. "The same. He's sleeping. If you can call it sleep. He twitches and whimpers. I'm sure he's having nightmares. How could he not?" She yawned and rubbed her eyes.

"Why don't you get some sleep. You look like hell." Shannon said and stroked her cheek. 

"Thanks." she grinned at him.

They both sat on Shannon's bed facing each other just listening to the storm for a while. "It's really coming down out there." Shannon said to her making small talk, trying to avoid the subject at hand. 

"That's Louisiana for you. It'll pass soon. It always does. You know how it is this time of year." she answered.

It was June. The summer rains were like mini hurricanes that came and went quickly. 

Lexi was exhausted. For the past three weeks she'd barely slept. She stayed by Jared's side night and day. Attune to his every sound and movement, she'd wake the second he stirred or made a sound. This became the routine every night. Every time Jared would sigh heavily, twitch or spasm, whimper or cry; she'd wake up immediately and stroke his cheek and hair until she could hear the rhythmic sound of his breathing indicating he was in deep sleep again. 

She crawled next to Shannon and leaned against the headboard. They looked at each other for a few minutes, not speaking until Shannon said, "Have you found another doctor?"

Lexi pinched the top of her nose between her eyes. "Yeah, I found one that specializes in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He's worked with P.O.W's who've been tortured."

"That's good." Shannon told her. 

In the past 3 weeks they'd been through 2 psychiatrists. Neither of them had dealt with PTSD this bad. They both gracefully bowed out of his care saying, "I've never seen PTSD this bad. I can't help you but I can recommend someone........" Lexi knew she had to find a doctor who could help Jared quickly or he'd never come back. He was so withdrawn it frightened her. Those once beautiful, cerulean blue eyes that sparkled had turned into the dull, lifeless gray of someone lost deep within themselves. Someone with no soul left within them. Jared was catatonic. He didn't speak, he didn't look at them but he did whatever they told him to do as if afraid to do anything else. Lexi knew the longer he stayed this way the less likely it was for him to come back to reality. She'd finally found a doctor that seemed as if he could help. Dr. Williams had worked with patients as far back as Vietnam, helping them with PTSD. He specialized in P.O.W's that had been tortured. 

Lexi closed her eyes and leaned her head on Shannon's shoulder. She had almost allowed herself to fall asleep when she snapped her head up and said, "I should go back to Jared. I don't want him to wake up frightened."

"Lex, I don't think he knows you're there." Shannon said quietly touching her arm.

"I think on some level he does. He responds to my touch and my voice. Not much but there is a response. It calms him." she told Shannon. 

"You know there's the possibility he won't come back and even if he does he probably won't be like he was." Shannon told her. 

"I know that, Shannon, but I can't allow myself to think that way. I just can't." She understood what Shannon meant. What Jared had been through would break even the strongest person. 

She went back to her room and checked on Jared. He was sitting up in the bed staring out the window. "Sweetheart, are you ok?" Lexi asked him but he didn't answer her. He gave no indication that he heard her. He just sat there on the edge of the bed staring out the window with those lifeless blue-gray eyes. Lexi sighed. It broke her heart. She wanted her man back. She wanted things to be the way they were. She wanted to be happy again. She knew she had to be strong now for Jared. Part of her wanted to break down right along with him but she knew she couldn't do that. 

Lexi sat down next to Jared and put her hand on his leg. "Baby, talk to me. What are you thinking about?" Jared only blinked and kept staring out the window. After a minute he hung his head low, his long hair hanging in his face. Lexi brushed the hair aside, tucked it behind his ear and said, "Baby, you know I'm here for you, don't you?" She rubbed his back. "You're going to be ok. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you. You're safe here." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. No response. "C'mon baby, get back under the covers and go back to sleep." 

Jared got under the covers, laid down on his side and closed his eyes. Lexi laid next to him, wrapping herself around him in the fetal position, stroked his hair and whispered into is ear until they both fell asleep.


	2. Hide Behind an Empty Face

Four weeks ago she'd gotten the phone call that they thought they'd found Jared. The private investigators that Lexi and Shannon hired had been working based on a tip they had about a group of men and women kidnapped from Vegas around the same time Jared disappeared, that were sold into slavery in Bangkok. Lexi couldn't sit around and wait to hear something so she immediately flew to Bangkok. 

Arriving at the police station with the investigators she waited for an hour in a dirty room with too bright fluorescent light bulbs. Finally the investigators came and got her saying there was a man that fit Jared's description in with the group. Although he wanted her to go take a look to see if it was him he warned her of his appearance. No matter how much he described it, Lexi was still shocked when she saw him. He was sitting in a room lined with benches against the wall with 6 other people, 4 girls and 2 guys. Jared sat in the corner in dirty clothes, bare feet, his head hung low with his hair covering his face. His hair was down to the middle of his back. He was wearing a dirty, stained T-shirt and cut off jean shorts. Every inch of him was dirty. He smelled worse that she'd ever smelled another human being. One of his feet looked swollen.  
"Jared" she whispered. 

"You sure it's him?" the American investigator asked. 

Lexi nodded her head vigorously because she knew if she spoke she'd probably throw up. 

"We need you to look at his face to make sure." He told her. 

She numbly went over to Jared and said his name. He whimpered and shrank back against the wall. When she reached out and pushed the hair away from his face she saw the bruises and scars. One of his eyes was black and he had a swollen bloodied lip. She sucked in her breath as Jared winced and kept his eyes shut, still trying to cram himself deep into the corner. She put a finger to his chin and lifted his face; his eyes avoiding her.

"Jared, baby it's me. It's Lexi." she told him but he didn't seem to recognize her. 

"It's him." she said when she turned to the investigator.

She got Jared to stand with little coaxing and it was then that she noticed just how skinny he had become.  
"Good God!" she whispered. 

They took Jared and the others to a hospital where they were bathed and taken care of. Jared had trouble walking without aide. Lexi insisted on being the one to bathe him when a nurse tried to do it. Once she got him into the tub she began to see what the dirt was hiding. Bruises all over his body, scars on his back and ribs that looked like marks from a whip, the bottoms of his feet had scars from being cut. He had several small scars on his face and one long one that went from his left ear to his mouth. Lexi tried to fight back the tears that insisted on spilling down her cheeks. What kind of monsters would do something like this? Jared shivered all over and flinched at her touch. He didn't respond to her soothing talk during his bath. He never looked at her and never spoke. He never gave any indication he knew who she was.

As Jared lay sleeping in the hospital bed, Lexi went to find some coffee. She ran into Jared's doctors and one of the investigators in the hallway.  
"Alexa, come sit with us. We have information but it's going to be hard to hear. Are you sure you want the details?" the investigator said. Lexi wasn't sure but she nodded anyway.  
He told her that when they found Jared and the others they had been all locked in one room together. The room was dirty, smelly and only had stained mattresses plus a hole in the floor used for a toilet. Jared had been found, with the others, naked, tethered to the wall by a strap on his right ankle. He had blood coming from between his legs that trickled down to his feet. He was dirty from head to toe, he had blood matted in his hair, dried semen on his stomach,butt and inner thighs. His feet had been cut so that he couldn't run away. Lexi closed her eyes, starting to feel dizzy but forced herself to stand still.  
The doctor went on to say that Jared had anal tearing from being repeatedly raped over a long period of time and he would need surgery to repair it. His lips were dried, cracked and bleeding not only from being beaten, but also from malnutrition. He had fresh bruises from a recent punch to the face. The scar on his cheek was probably from a razor blade or knife done to shut him up, the doctor said. 

Jared's X-rays showed 3 old rib fractures and a hairline fracture on his left arm. The doctor looked in near tears as he said, "I've seen this several times over the years. It's horrible. Alexa, he's going to need surgery not to mention therapy."  
Lexi couldn't speak. She just shook her head, feeling bile coming up in her throat as if she might throw up any minute.

These men and women were forced to have sex with sometimes up to 10 men or more a day. The sex slave trade was huge in Bangkok.  
All Lexi could do was thank the doctor for his information. She couldn't bear to hear anymore and she ran to the bathroom to throw up. She'd prayed for Jared to be found alive for almost a year, but this? She never expected this. 

 

Before she brought Jared home she called Shannon ahead of time to prepare him for what to expect. She told him of Jared's appearance and what had happened to him. Through tears, she told him everything the doctor told her. 

"Lexi, I still wish you would have let me come with you. I hate the thought of you dealing with this alone." Shannon told her. "You're so stubborn!"

"I know, I know, Shan. Don't worry. You'll see him soon enough. We'll be home in a couple of days. Just be glad he's alive. I just don't want you to be shocked when you see him." Lexi replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first night home Lexi fed him, bathed him, and put him in bed. An hour later, once Jared was asleep, she left the room. When she came back 30 minutes later she found him curled up in the corner of the closet whimpering. When she called his name and turned on the light he started screaming a raspy scream. Lexi was horrified. It was the scream of a terrified wild animal. He was screaming and clawing at the wall in the corner of the closet as if to get away. Lexi knelt down in front of him and talked to him in a soothing voice until he calmed down. She rubbed his face and kissed his forehead and he went limp. She picked him up and put him in bed.  
Shannon stood in the doorway, too horrified to move.  
"God, he can't weigh more than 115 pounds!. He's skin and bones." 

Shannon stood frozen. He and his brother had always been close but this just scared the shit out of him. No one was able to get thru to Jared, not even him. He was ashamed and mad at himself that he had allowed Lexi to take care of him. 

He walked over to the bed to help tuck Jared in. Lexi smiled up at him. Jared looked up, not recognizing either of them. Lexi sighed.  
"How can anyone do this to another human being?"  
Shannon just shook his head.

For the next two weeks Lexi prayed Jared would look at her with some sort of recognition in his eyes but it didn't happen. They took away the part of Jared that made him Jared. They reduced him to this whimpering, scared, animal. Whoever "they" were. 

Lexi's head was pounding trying to think of what to do next. Nearly a year ago her whole life was turned upside down. Everyone assumed he was dead after a while but Lexi refused to believe it without a body. In the couple of months before he was found, Lexi herself, was starting to let herself believe he was dead. She had nightmares about it. Still, her mind couldn't fathom the love of her life being dead without proof. No body to identify, no funeral, no memorial service. Nothing. Too much unfinished business. She couldn't wrap her mind around him being dead. Then they had found him. Lexi had fantasized about finding him for almost a year. A beautiful, touching reunion of Jared rushing into her arms. Shannon and the rest of the band would be there to hug and greet him. He would be smiling and relieved to see all of them. There would be a giant welcome home party and then things would get back to normal. 

 

That wasn't what happened. Lexi wasn't prepared for what did happen. Never in her wildest dreams did she imagine how she'd find Jared so lifeless and broken. So empty and soulless. What was returned to her was the shell of a man. Empty and void of any emotion. A scared child who didn't recognize her. So every night she cried herself to sleep with her arms wrapped around her man; gently sobbing into his sleeping form.


	3. I'll Show You the Way

A month later, Jared started having the surgeries he needed. They repaired the anal tearing and now there was barely a faint scar on his face. They had to operate on his right foot because it had been broken and healed at an odd angle that made it difficult for him to walk. The doctor said he'd have a limp for a while but it would eventually go away. He still had a deep scar on his right ankle from the leather strap.  
Lexi knew there would be a lot of work on the scars that didn't show. The emotional scars were a lot harder to heal. Jared had years of therapy ahead of him. 

Two months after Jared's return home, Lexi decided to let Matt and Tomo come to see him. Prior to that she wouldn't let anyone see him. She couldn't. She knew Jared wouldn't want anyone to see him this way. His mother came to visit him as soon as he came home and if Lexi could have spared her the sorrow she would have. 

She warned Constance of his state but the arrogance of a mother's love made her think she could work a her maternal magic on him. It failed. Constance sobbed and clutched Shannon. 

Lexi and Shannon sugar coated the details of Jared's disappearance. They decided not to tell her the details of his rape and torture. Shannon knew his mother couldn't take knowing her baby had been repeatedly raped for months. That was more than a mother could take. She could see the scars from the beatings and form her own ideas. Whatever her ideas were, they were in no way as brutal as the reality that Lexi and Shannon wanted to keep from her. 

When she failed to get through to Jared and saw that he no longer recognized even her, she had no idea what to do. Lexi told her about the doctor she'd found. Constance insisted Jared see him right away. 

Lexi took him to Dr. Williams every day. The doctor wanted Jared to be an inpatient but Lexi and Shannon emphatically said "no". They'd both been without Jared for too long to let him go. It was almost as if they were both afraid he'd disappear again. No matter the reason, they both insisted they would take Jared to therapy every day. 

They took turns taking Jared to his doctor. Little by little Jared started coming back. Not completely but they could see glimpses of him. 

One night when Lexi came in the room to go to bed she found Jared sitting up against the headboard staring into space. This wasn't unusual. She often found Jared this way. When she climbed into bed beside him he turned and looked at her and said, "Lex". Lexi was so stunned she just stared at him for a moment. This time he was actually looking at her instead of through her.

"Yes, baby?" she said and swallowed a lump in her throat.

"I'm sorry." Jared lowered his head and stared down at his hands.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Jared." Lexi said in a strangled whisper, never taking her eyes off him. She wasn't sure what to do or how to act. This was the first time she'd heard him speak a word since the day she brought him home. 

"I left you and I didn't mean to." Jared said looking up at her through the mess of hair in his face.  
Lexi brushed the hair away and tucked it behind his ears. Tears started sliding down her cheeks.

"I know. It wasn't your fault." she said.

"I'm sorry." Jared said and began sobbing. He wrapped himself around her and sobbed harder than she'd ever heard anyone sob. Nine months of pain and torture began pouring out of him in deep, heart wrenching sobs that wracked his body. She hung on to him as he clutched her for dear life and sobbed into her chest. He sobbed for 20 minutes so loud that Shannon opened the door without knocking.

"What's......." he stopped. Shannon blinked. He thought it was Lexi crying again but was taken aback to see that it was Jared. He looked from Lexi to Jared and back again. His mouth fell open and closed. Lexi unwrapped one arm from around Jared who was half in her lap, face buried in her chest and motioned for Shannon to sit on the bed. Shannon started to touch Jared's back and hesitated but with a nod from Lexi he started rubbing Jared's back while Lexi ran her fingers through his hair. Jared started to quiet. He sat up and look up at Lexi then turned to look at Shannon. 

"Shannon." he said in a raspy whisper.

"I'm here baby brother." Shannon said continuing to rub Jared's back.

Jared turned and hugged Shannon for a long time. Lexi watched Shannon close his eyes and clutch on to his brother. When he opened them there were tears in his eyes as he reached out to hold Lexi's hand. She smiled at him and laid her head on Jared's back. 

The three of them sat intertwined until Jared's sobs turned into slow, deep breathing. They let him break away first. Sitting up he wiped his eyes and brushed his hair back from his face. 

"So tired." he said. 

"I know." Lexi whispered to him.

"Sleep." he said. "Stay here."

"I'm not going anywhere, baby. I'll be right here when you wake up." Lexi told him. 

Jared looked at his brother and said, "Stay."

Shannon looked into his pleading eyes and looked back at Lexi.  
"Sure. I'll stay too." he said.

"Promise?" Jared said looking at both of them.

"Sure." They both said in unison. 

Jared looked satisfied and got under the covers and almost immediately fell asleep. 

For a long time, Shannon and Lexi sat there watching Jared sleep, occasionally looking at each other. Neither one knew what to say about Jared's breakthrough speech. 

Finally Lexi moved over to the far side of the bed pulling Jared with her and motioned for Shannon to lay down on the other side of Jared. She kissed the back of Jared's head and whispered, "I love you" just as she did every night. Jared stirred in his sleep. The three of them slept that way all night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because of Jared's breakthrough speech she hoped he might speak to Matt and Tomo. 

"Don't be surprised if he doesn't speak to you or even acknowledge your existence." Shannon told them. "He just spoke to us for the first time a couple of nights ago."

"You mean he hasn't spoken to you in all the time he's been home?" Matt asked, shocked. 

"Not a word." Shannon said. 

They looked out the window at Jared in the wooden swing. The wind was softly blowing his hair which had been cut to shoulder length again by Lexi. Occasionally, Jared would swat a gnat from his face. Mostly he just sat gently swaying in the swing looking out. They all wondered what was going through his mind.

Tomo and Matt couldn't see his scars from the kitchen window. They never saw his bruises that had now faded away. They never saw Jared at his worst. Neither Lexi nor Shannon wanted anyone to see him that way. Jared would hate that. All they had to go on were the descriptions they got over the phone during the late night phone conversations with Shannon and Lexi. 

"Not a word until a couple of nights ago." Lexi interrupted their thoughts.

"What did he say?" Tomo asked. 

"Not much. Just that he was sorry for leaving us. And he cried. He cried a lot. I'm glad because he let it all out." She smiled at Shannon. "He cried on both of us. It was the first time he'd done that too. I think his therapy is working. It's a sign he's coming back." 

Matt sighed heavily. "I'm really glad he's back with us again. I mean I really thought that he....." Matt stopped short and looked at Lexi.

"That he was dead?" Lexi finished his sentence. "It's ok. You can say that. Everyone thought so."

"Except you." Shannon placed his hand on top of hers and smiled at her.

"Even, I, was beginning to believe it." she said, squeezing his hand.

Tomo and Matt exchanged a look that made Shannon pull his hand back. 

"After almost a year of nothing, well, I was starting to think it was time to face facts that I'd never see him again." Lexi continued.

 "At least he's alive and he's here with us." Matt said and Tomo nodded in agreement.

"Yeah......... here." Lexi said staring out at Jared on the swing. "Only he's not really here. Not completely anyway. He's barely spoken since the other day." She sighed and looked down at her coffee. "I guess I should be grateful for the few words he's spoken. I was beginning to wonder if he was ever going to talk again or recognize me or anyone."

"Well I'm going to go see him." Tomo smiled, jumped up from the table and walked outside followed by Matt and Shannon.

"You coming?" Shannon said from the door.

"No, they need some time with him. I'll stay here." Lexi said getting up to get more coffee.

"Ok" Shannon said , lingering in the the doorway watching her for a moment. Silently he walked outside and closed the door behind him.

Lexi sat back down at the table and lit a cigarette. Jared had finally talked her into quitting smoking a couple of months before they took their trip to Vegas but that went out the window the night Jared went missing. 

She watched the guys from the table as she sipped her coffee and smoked. Matt sat on the swing next to Jared while Shannon and Tomo stood nearby. She could see them talking and laughing while Jared looked on. She didn't see much of a response out of Jared. She knew there wouldn't be. Not yet. 

Two hours later she was in her room going through photos on her computer. She was looking at some photos she'd been working on in the days before they found Jared. Itching to get away for a little while she took a month long trip around Louisiana photographing urban ruins. Abandoned buildings. She'd held a fascination for them since she was young. She was hoping to put out a book of her work. She flew back home a week before she got the call that Jared had been found.

"Hey." Shannon said from the doorway causing her to look up.

"Hey, they gone?" she asked.

"Not yet." Shannon said running his fingers through his hair as he sat on her bed. 

"Where's Jared?" she asked.

"Eating." Shannon replied, lighting a cigarette.

"Did he say anything?"

"Not really. He said "hi" and he looked at the guys like he was trying to remember them. After we talked and joked around for an hour he started to look like, I don't know, like it dawned on him who they were. He even smiled at them once." Shannon leaned his head on the headboard and closed his eyes.

Lexi sighed. "About what I expected. Can you take him to his appointment tomorrow?"

"Yeah, it's my turn, right?" Shannon asked opening his eyes. 

"Yes." Lexi answered him not taking her eyes off the computer. 

Shannon got up, paced and smoked until his cigarette was done. He walked over to Lexi and massaged her shoulders. "You ok?"

"I'm fine." she answered. 

"I'm going out to get something to eat with the guys. I'll be back later." he told her and left the room.

Lexi stared at the closed door for a few minutes and looked back at the computer. 

"Damn it!" she said aloud to no one. Sighing she closed out the program and went downstairs to check on Jared. 

She watched the guys standing by the car talking until they got in and left. 

Jared put his dishes in the sink and stood there for a minute looking at Lexi. She turned around to look at him and he said, "Taking a bath." and walked down the hallway. Soon she heard the water shut off indicating that Jared had filled the tub and she opened the door a little. "You ok in here?" She asked, not really expecting a reply.

She opened the door wider and saw him sitting in the bath water staring down at his feet. "They hurt." he said.

Lexi sat down beside the tub and grabbed the washcloth. "I know, baby. It's going to be ok."

"Ok." he replied and took the washcloth she held in front of him.  
"You want me to wash your hair?" she asked him.

He looked up at her and gave her a nod so she started wetting his hair then lathering it. As she massaged his scalp he made a low humming sound. "You always liked me washing your hair." she said. Jared continued to hum. 

After his bath they sat in the bed together watching tv. It was like old times except Jared wasn't really watching tv. He was staring into space. Lexi rubbed his back in small circular motions. It was something that always calmed him.

"Lexi" Jared suddenly said. 

"Hmmm?" 

"Are we married?" he asked her, looking puzzled.

"No, Jared, we're not. We didn't get the chance." she replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoying this story? Don't like it? Please leave feedback!


	4. Was it a Dream?

In September of 2005 the band decided to take a break and fly out to Las Vegas for a vacation. Everyone was ecstatic to be away from writing and working. Lexi had never been to Vegas and she was thrilled at the prospect of seeing a Cirque Du Soleil show, gambling and just generally taking in Las Vegas. 

Lexi and Jared walked hand in hand into their suite. 

"Wow, this is amazing!" Jared said.

"No kidding. Damn Jared, what did this cost??" Lexi asked. 

"I'm not telling you." he laughed and kissed her. She giggled as she grabbed him by the waist spinning him around. 

They both investigated the room, squealing in delight like children, at all the luxuries. The stocked bar, the spa tub in the giant bathroom, the huge sitting room with the pool table, the jacuzzi in the bedroom. They played with the remote control curtains that showed a view of the strip beneath them.  "Jared! This is too much! We don't need all this space!" Lexi exclaimed.

Jared rushed behind her and put his arms around her waist kissing her on the cheek. "Nothing's too good for us, baby." 

She laughed and swatted him. "Too good for our bank account maybe." 

"We're not broke!" He squeezed her tighter.

"I know. You know how I am about being frugal." she leaned back into him. 

"We're ok." he whispered in her ear, softly kissing it. 

She turned around in his grasp and cupped his face in her hands. "I love you, you know." 

"Yeah I know." He winked at her and kissed her. "Mmmm, I have an idea." 

She pressed her forehead against his and said, "Yeah, what's that?" She licked his bottom lip then gently took it between her teeth. 

They both jumped at the pounding on the door. "Hey you two. Open the fuck up!" Shannon said from the other side.

"Son of a bitch, cock blocked by my own brother!" Jared said.

"Damn." Lexi breathed, letting go of him.

"What the fuck?" Jared said opening the door to Shannon standing there, along with Tomo and Vicki, Matt and Libby.  
"What are you two doing?" Tomo said. Shannon elbowed him making him say, "Ooohhh!" in response.

"You can do that shit at home. Let's go party!" Shannon said grabbing Jared around the neck with one arm and hooking his other arm with Lexi's. 

They spent the rest of the day in the casino gambling except for Jared who didn't care much for it. He did play a few slot machines but he mostly watched his brother play craps while Tomo and Matt played Blackjack and Poker. Lexi played a little Blackjack and slots with Vikki while Libby looked on. 

After dinner at the hotel, Jared and Lexi went back to the suite to finish what they started earlier while the boys were left to do whatever they wanted. Jared cautioned them about interrupting again. 

"I don't know about you, but I'm getting in that Jacuzzi!" Lexi said the minute she got in the door. She started stripping her clothes off and throwing them at Jared making him laugh. She lit the candles that were around the tub, turned on the jets and sank into the water feeling it immediately working on her tired muscles. 

"Mmmmm" she said as she sank into the water and closed her eyes. She felt Jared's breath in her ear saying, "You're not going to sleep on me are you?"

She opened her eyes at him. "No way, we've got something to finish." She pressed her lips against his and said, "Now what was that idea you had earlier before we were so rudely interrupted?"

Jared nuzzled her nose then pressed his lips against hers. Lexi responded by wrapping her arms around him and pressing her breasts against his chest. Jared pulled her in tighter, tangling his legs with hers and said, "Sometimes I just can't get close enough." Lexi nodded in agreement and ran her tongue across his bottom lip before slipping it inside. Jared let out a soft moan and slid his tongue along hers. They sat in the water softly kissing, caressing each other's bodies until Jared finally said, "Let's get out of this tub."

 

An hour later they both lay there on their sides, wordlessly staring into each other's eyes, smiling. After 7 years there wasn't any need for words. They were in tune to each other's thoughts. 

Jared, still on his side, scooted closer to her until his nose was almost touching hers. Still smiling he said, "Marry me."

"Ok." Lexi said.  
"Ok." Jared said with satisfaction. 

After a long silence Jared finally said, "Why now? What makes this any different than the other times I've asked?"

"Because I had to make sure." Lexi said, curling one hand under her chin.

"Make sure?" Jared asked her with a puzzled expression.

"That what you said was true. That you were done with the other women." Lexi told him matter of factly.

"Lex, that was two years ago. There's been no one since then. You know that." Jared said softly with his eyes cast down.

"I know that." Lexi told him. "I just wanted to make sure you really meant it this time." She leaned over and kissed his forehead. 

***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***

Lexi met Jared while she was an extra on the set of Girl, Interrupted. They immediately clicked and became good friends. They started dating and everything went well until Jared started gaining more popularity. Rumors of women,while he was off on a movie set, got back to Lexi. She ignored them for a while but when she questioned Jared he got angry. That's when she knew he was lying. They fought, she left him, he called her crying and apologizing, they got back together. 

In late 2001, when they got a house together in L.A, Jared swore he was done with other women and to be faithful to Lexi. Jared was full on into his music and the band released their first album in 2002. Jared's promises lasted until the band went on their first tour. Lexi went on the first two months of the tour with them then came back home to work on a photography job she'd been hired for. Once again the rumors started flooding back. 

Lexi knew how bands were out on tour. She knew all about the drinking, the drugs, the parties and the groupies. It was common place and wives of musicians turned a blind eye to the groupies, accepting that it was part of the lifestyle. Lexi tried to do that but failed. She couldn't stand the thought of Jared fucking some groupie. Once the tour was over Jared was back home and everything was good again. 

It was 4 months after the first tour ended that Jared proposed for the first time. It didn't go as Jared had planned. In fact, it turned into a huge fight. Lexi said she would never marry him as long as he couldn't be faithful to her. Jared had a hard time arguing that point because he knew he couldn't be faithful on tour. 

Lexi and Shannon immediately bonded when they first met. They became almost as close as he and Jared were. That was one of the main reasons Jared knew Lexi was "the one". No other girlfriend got along that well with Shannon or accepted the close bond they had.

When Lexi would question Shannon about Jared's fidelity, he would just shake his head and say, "I'm sorry, Lexi. He's my brother and I can't................ just please don't ask me those questions." That, in and of itself, was a confirmation.

So their tumultuous relationship went on. Lexi would get fed up and leave Jared. Jared would crawl back all apologetic and crying with promises of fidelity and Lexi would take him back. Sometimes Shannon would plead his brother's case. "Look I know he wants to be faithful to you. He loves you, Lexi, with all his heart and soul. He'll settle down one day. Just give him that chance. You two belong together."

She'd hate herself for taking him back but she knew what Shannon said was true, at least the part about them belonging together. She felt they were soul mates, best friends. They could talk about anything and got along perfectly well. The only problem was Jared's infidelity, mainly on tour, but it was a big problem for Lexi. It wasn't something she could ignore. 

She finally got fed up with him and gave him an ultimatum. She moved out, put her foot down and said this was it. He could be faithful or she would stay gone for good. Something in Lexi's eyes told Jared she was telling the truth. He knew he had to change or he'd lose his soulmate forever. He couldn't let go of the only woman he'd ever loved so he made a vow to himself to change his ways. 

Before a short promotional tour for various shows, Shannon had a talk with his little brother. "Dude, she's serious. Don't fuck this up. She'll really stay gone for good this time."

So two years later, as they lay in the hotel bed together, Jared felt good to be telling the truth. No more lying and no more cheating. Two years of no one but Lexi in his bed. 

Jared stroked her face. "I do mean it, Lex. I'm done with that part of my life." 

Lexi curled up against him where they both fell asleep, naked in each others arms. 

 

At breakfast the next morning the group sat at a table in the hotel restaurant. Shannon, Tomo and Matt looking very hungover, ate with their sunglasses on. 

"Oh fuck my head hurts!" Matt complained. Libby chuckled and patted his head.

"Shut up, you're talking too loud." said Tomo.

"Hmmmfff." Shannon grunted from behind is sunglasses. 

Jared laughed at them. "You guys look like shit."

"Funny, asshole." Shannon said throwing toast in his direction.

Jared threw it back at him and said. "Well this might cheer you up. Lexi finally said 'yes' to me!" Jared grinned wide at them.

Shannon pulled his sunglasses down his nose and looked at Lexi.  
"No kidding?"

"No kidding." Lexi responded.

"Wow! That's terrific! When?" Matt asked.

"Congratulations!" Tomo said to them. Vikki hugged Lexi. "It's about time! When?"

"I don't know. We haven't gotten that far." Lexi told them.

"You should get married here in Vegas!" Tomo exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Matt and Libby both said at once. 

Jared smiled at Lexi. "What do you think, Lex?"

"Maybe." Lexi smiled and took a bite of her toast.

Shannon put his arm around Lexi and kissed her on the cheek.  
"It's about time you made an honest man out of my brother."

After a day of shopping, they all decided to go to see "Love". The Cirque Du Soleil show based on the Beatles music. Afterwards they hit the casinos again. It got close to one a.m. and they were all pretty drunk. Even Jared was a little drunk. He and Shannon were leaning against each other in an attempt to hold each other up.  
"Lexi, do you have my eye drops? My eyes are getting really dry. My vision's getting all blurry." Jared rubbed his eyes. 

After looking through her purse she said, "Nope they must be in the room. I think your vision's blurry because you're drunk." She winked at him. 

"No, really. My eyes feel like they have sand in them." He said. "I'm going to the room to get my eye drops. Be back in a few." He kissed Lexi on the cheek and walked away.

Shannon put his arm around Lexi and leaned on her. "So when you gonna marry my brother?" he slurred.

"I don't know. I don't really want a big wedding or anything." she said.

"Then all the more reason for you to get married here!" he said spreading his arms wide, teetering a bit until he put his arm around Lexi again for balance.

"Your mother would kill us and you know it." she elbowed his side.

"Nah, she doesn't have to know." Shannon said looking at her trying to focus. "Just have another wedding when you get home."

"Actually, she's right." Vicki said. "If Constance finds out she'll be pissed. "

"Ha! ha!" Tomo laughed and slapped Shannon on the back almost causing him to fall over.

Lexi laughed. "You guys are about to fall over."

"You're not exactly sober, missy." Shannon said waggling a finger in her face. 

"No, but I can stand." she said.

"She's got a point." Matt piped up. "I've gotta piss. Be right back." 

They watched Matt weave his way to the bathroom.

"Dude is seriously fucked up." Shannon said and laughed at his own joke. "Lets go gamble some more!"

"If you try to play cards in this condition you'll definitely lose." Lexi told him.

"Yeah, prolly." He slurred. "Let's go hit the slots." With that they hit the slot machines.

They played the slots for nearly an hour when Lexi said, "Where the hell's Jared? Why isn't he back yet?" She looked at her watch.

"He prolly passed out in the bed. He's pretty drunk." Shannon said and pulled the handle down on a slot machine. 

Lexi wrinkled her brow. "No, he's not THAT drunk. I'm gonna go find him."

"I'll go with you." Shannon said and almost fell out of the chair.  
"Wait, lemme call him." Shannon dialed his number but got voicemail.

"We'll be back in a few." Lexi told everyone. "You guys stay right here so we know where to find you."

 

Up in the room, Lexi looked around. "His eye drops are right here." She pointed to the bottle on the sink. "It doesn't look like he's even been here. Where the hell would he go?" She dialed his Blackberry and it rang until it went to voicemail again. 

"I dunno." Shannon said. "Let's go back downstairs. He's prolly there by now. I bet we just missed him."

"Yeah" Lexi said, pausing to think. Grabbing the eye drops she said, "Yeah, let's go."

They walked back downstairs keeping their eyes open for Jared. When they got back to the slots Jared wasn't there.

"Did he come back here?" Lexi asked. She dialed his Blackberry again and got voicemail. 

"No." Matt and Tomo said in unison looking at her. "He wasn't in the room?" Matt asked.

"No, I found his eye drops on the counter. I don't think he's been there yet. He would have brought the eye drops with him." Lexi frowned. 

"Don't get worried. I'm sure he's around here somewhere." Matt told her.

"He probably got distracted by.......something." Shannon said. He was thinking, "someone". He was hoping Jared wasn't stupid enough to run into some woman and start talking to her and........  
Shannon shook his head. No, he wouldn't fuck things up after Lexi finally said yes to his proposal. Even drunk he wouldn't do that.  
Still, where the fuck was he? It's been an hour and half now. Shannon was starting to worry just like Lexi.

 

Two hours later after searching the entire hotel and talking to numerous security guards they were all up in Lexi and Jared's suite. Lexi was pacing back and forth. Everyone was sober and very worried.

"This is bullshit! We've got to wait 24 hours before filing a missing person's report? That's fucked up!" 

"Calm down, Lex." Shannon squeezed her shoulders. "They say that because people usually turn up within 24 hours."  
He had no idea if that was the truth or not. He didn't want to think of the possibility that his brother may have gone off and fucked some woman in his drunken stupor. If that was true, Shannon would strangle Jared himself. He didn't know what to think but he wanted to make Lexi feel better. 

There was a knock on the door of the suite and Lexi lunged for the doorknob to find a security guard standing in the doorway. "Is this his?" he asked holding up a Blackberry. Shannon saw the color drain from Lexi's face. He put his arm around her and took the Blackberry from the man's hand.  
"Yes it is. Where did you find it?"

"Out in the parking lot. I saw it and thought I might take a chance and see if it belonged to your friend." the security guard told them.  
"We'll keep an eye out and let you know if we see him." 

Once the guard was gone Lexi said, "Yeah thanks. Thanks for nothing!."

Shannon clicked a button on the Blackberry and saw "6 missed calls" on the screen which would explain why Jared never answered his phone.


	5. Crash Into Oblivion

Lexi was still having the same nightmare three months after Jared went missing. She'd see him in the casino with hundreds of people around, weaving in and out of the crowd. Lexi was following him. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't catch up to him. The more she followed, the more people got in her way. She kept pushing and shoving people out of her way. She walked faster and faster until she began to run and call his name. "Jared!"  
He'd stop, smile at her then turn around and keep going,never changing pace. No matter how fast she ran, he managed to stay ahead of her. She kept screaming is name. He'd stop, turn around, look at her and smile. Sometimes he'd wave at her.  
She'd yell, "Jared, stop! Wait for me!" But he would just smile at her and turn around and keep going until she couldn't see him anymore. She ran until she was panting and exhausted. She kept going but couldn't find him. She got to an empty hallway; he was nowhere in site. She could see something in the middle of the hallway so she walked up to it to find it was his Blackberry. The screen cracked and bloody. She picked it up and began to scream.

She woke with a start. Breathing heavy and sweating.

"Hey, what's wrong? Bad dream again?"

Lexi shook her head, trembling. 

"Shhhh, lay down. It's ok." Shannon told her and wrapped his arms tightly around her until she fell asleep.

 

******~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*******~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*******

Somehow it started. That search for comfort that ended up in something so taboo that neither of them ever talked about it. It was never meant to happen. Two friends, who wrapped up in their own grief, so desperately needed comfort; ended up in bed together. They both blanked their minds to reality. They were crazy with grief. They felt guilty afterwards yet never spoke those words to each other. 

Lexi came home one night, bleary eyed from lack of sleep and depression, to find Shannon on the couch, drunk and wallowing in his own depression. She walked into the living room to see Shannon sitting there in the dark smoking a cigarette, staring at the tv, but not really watching it. A half empty bottle of tequila sat on the coffee table in front of him. 

She breathed out a sigh and sat next to him. Grabbing the bottle she took a long drink. 

"I used to really love tequila. I'd forgotten how good it is." She shuddered as the liquid ran down her throat, warming her belly.

Shannon smiled at her. "It does make you forget.....for a while anyway."

"Yeah, that's what I need, to forget; just for a little while." Lexi closed her eyes and took another long drink from the bottle and handed it to Shannon. He wordlessly took it from her and drank.

Suddenly she turned to him and said, "You think he's dead?" 

He shrugged. "I don't know. Common sense tells me he is after all this time but I have to believe he's out there somewhere." 

"Yeah, me too." Lexi said, grabbing the bottle from him and taking another drink.  
"Until there's a body for me to identify; I'll never believe it. I'll never stop looking." 

"Amen." Shannon looked at her and nodded. 

She was beginning to feel the tequila already because she had nothing in her stomach. She barely ate anymore. She only ate when she remembered she needed to, not because she was hungry. Hunger was something she never felt these days. 

She got up from the couch and grabbed two beers from the refrigerator. Handing an open one to Shannon, she sat down next to him. 

"Here's to never giving up." Shannon said, raising the beer. 

Lexi nodded and clinked her beer against his. "Fuckin' right." she said.

She snatched the tequila bottle and took another drink from it then let out a long sigh.

"Where the fuck did he go, Shannon? I mean how does a person just fucking disappear like that? He was going to the room." she suddenly said, exasperated, tears starting to form in her eyes. She sat up and put her head in her hands. 

"You're asking me? I don't fucking know. I've been asking myself those questions for months now. It's like he disappeared into thin air." Shannon stood up grabbing his beer bottle, he took a long drink from it. "I mean, I've always known where he is at any given moment. He's never really that far away from me. Ever."

Shannon began pacing around the room chattering like he always did when he was drunk. "Ever since we were kids we were fucking inseparable. We've never been apart for more than a couple of days." He ran his fingers through his hair. He looked at Lexi and sat down next to her again.  
"Shit, you know that. I don't know why I'm telling you this. You've been around for 7 years. It's been the three of us, like the goddamn Three Musketeers or something. Ya know?" He smiled at her. 

Lexi touched his arm. "It's ok, Shannon. Say whatever you need to. Lord knows I've got plenty to say." 

"I just don't fucking get it." Shannon said. "And that goddamn Blackberry! He's never fucking without it! It was just there! There lying in the parking lot! How'd he lose it? He hangs onto that goddamn thing like it's a lifeline." 

Suddenly Shannon began to cry. He put his head in his hands and sobbed. 

Lexi put her arm around him. "I know, Shannon." She didn't know what else to say to him. They were both feeling the same sense of confusion and helplessness. 

He looked up at her and saw her own tears coursing down her face. He quickly wiped his eyes and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I don't dare think that I'm grieving more than you." He cleared his throat. "I need to be strong for both of us."

"No, Shannon, it's ok. If we can't cry in front of each other then who can we cry in front of?" Lexi told him.

He nodded and sat back on the couch. They both sat there leaning against each other for comfort taking turns drinking out of the tequila bottle, talking until they'd drained their beers and continued to drink the tequila until they were both crossed eyed and barely able to form coherent sentences. 

Shannon leaned his head on her shoulder and absently stroked her arm with his finger. "I don't know what to do without him." 

"Neither do I." Lexi told him.

"Fuck! There is no band without him." Shannon whispered. "Tomo and Matt are lost too. We're all just wandering the fuck around trying to figure out what to do.......and we're all just ........ lost." Shannon shook his head.

Lexi closed her eyes and leaned against his head. "I know. I'm so lost without him I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to pick up the pieces and move on?" She said it more as a question than a statement.  
"How the hell am I supposed to do that?"

Shannon sighed, looking up at her with his face inches from hers. For a minute they just stared into each others' eyes, then their lips met without any thought. Lexi turned to face him and deepened her kiss. When their tongues met they both groaned. They ran their fingers through each other's hair and over each other's bodies not thinking about anything. They were both drunk and hungry for comfort to ease the pain they'd both been feeling for so long. 

They next morning they woke up tangled in each other's arms feeling both hung over and ashamed. Lexi got up first, untangling herself from Shannon's arms. Wordlessly she dressed and left the room. Shannon watched her and sighed.  
"Christ" he said to no one in particular when she was gone. "What the fuck did I just do?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Want to read more? Please leave feedback! It's greatly appreciated.


	6. A Beautiful Lie

Somehow they had managed to keep the house a secret from the press. Lexi had moved from their house in L.A 2 months after Jared disappeared to get away from the press and all the questions about Jared's disappearance. Now that Jared was home, the band had been trying to decide on when to hold a press conference about his return. They wanted to say something official before the rumors started. It was only a matter of time before their peaceful existence turned into a media circus. She couldn't stand the thought of paparazzi lurking in the bushes to get a photo of Jared. 

"Look, some of the record company people know he's back. We've got to hold an official press conference before it gets leaked out. I don't want rumors to start flying. They're gonna say he faked his death or some shit like that." Shannon said. "Plus I think all the fans will want to hear something from us first."

"Well what exactly are we going to tell them?" Tomo wanted to know.

"Yeah, I really don't want to go into the whole rape/torture thing with the public. That just isn't anyone's business. Especially since Jared's in no shape to speak for himself." Matt interjected. 

They all turned from the kitchen table to see Lexi standing in the doorway looking at them. 

"I agree. I don't want to give them any specifics. We do have to come up with something official though. Shannnon, do you want to prepare something? I think it would be best if you did it." Something in Lexi's eyes pleaded with him and he sat there drumming his fingers on the table before saying, "Yeah, yeah I'll do it. Just give me a couple of days to come up with something."

"Just the truth without the details." Tomo said. "Don't make up an elaborate lie because the Echelon will find out and that won't be good."

Everyone nodded in silent agreement. 

Two days later, Shannon gave Lexi what he'd written, wanting her approval. She read it and smiled.  "I knew you'd come up with something perfect. That's why I wanted you to do it." she told him.

"Will you go to the press conference?" Shannon asked her.

"Oh Shannon, I really don't want to deal with that." Lexi told him.

Sighing, Shannon said, "Please go. I need you there. It's going to be nerve wracking."

This was the main reason Lexi didn't want to go, because Shannon needed her there. Over the past year, Shannon's emotional dependence on Lexi had grown and with Jared's return, it didn't seem to be diminishing. 

"Ok, but I'll be out of sight of everyone. I don't want anyone to know I'm there. I don't want to be interviewed." 

"I know and you won't have to. I just really want you there for support, Lex." Shannon told her.

"Shannon, you've got the band for support. You don't need me for that." She told him with more annoyance in her tone that she intended.

Shannon stared at her for a minute. "It's not the same and you fucking know it."  
Lexi walked out of the room. She had enough to deal with at the moment. Right now all she cared about was getting Jared back. Physically, he was back, but she wanted him back mentally as well. Keeping him in therapy and working with him at home was crucial to draw him out of the darkness he was in. He'd only begun to peek out of the dark abyss and she had to work hard to keep him from going back in. There was the danger of him retreating into his own world and never coming out again. 

She walked into their room to find Jared sitting up in bed watching tv. Well he was looking at it anyway. She wasn't sure how much of it he was actually paying attention to. Still she said, "What are you watching?" 

Jared only blinked at her words and stared straight ahead at the tv. She was getting him to talk a little but if he didn't know the answer to something he simply did not say anything. 

"Oh, it's Saving Grace. I forgot it was on. I love this show. It's the second season." she said settling down in bed next to him.

"Holly Hunter" Jared said.  
"That's right. I've always really liked her. She's the reason I started watching the show in the first place but it's really good." She told him. 

His doctor told her to carry on normal conversation with him as if she expected replies. He encouraged her to ask as many open ended questions as possible. 

"You like it so far?" she asked, brushing a strand of hair from in front of his eyes.

"Yeah" was his response. It was something. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two days later, in L.A, the band sat at a long table on a stage in front of a crowd of rock journalists, photographers and various people in the music industry. Before they sat down, Shannon was backstage talking to Lexi in a corner where no one could hear them.  
"Thank you for being here." he said to her. She noticed his hands were shaking and she took them into hers and squeezed.  
"You'll be fine. Relax, ok?" 

Shannon smiled at her and hugged her. "Thank you." When it was time the guys began filing on to the stage to sit at the table. Shannon lagged behind and kissed Lexi on the cheek. "I appreciate this."  
Tomo and Matt saw this and exchanged a look. Shannon ignored them and sat down at his seat. 

He looked down at his paper and cleared his throat. Clicking on his microphone he said, his voice shaking slightly, "Thank you all for coming here today. We are happy to announce that my brother and our lead singer, Jared Leto, has been found." Whisperings in the crowd began and Shannon continued.  
"Almost a year ago Jared disappeared from a Las Vegas casino. We filed a report with the proper authorities and when they exhausted their efforts we hired private investigators on our own. They found him in another country along with several others who had been kidnapped at the same time. He is at home with his family recovering. Right now he is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and we ask that you please allow us time to help him heal. As soon as Jared is ready for the public, you will have the time to speak to him yourselves. Until then, we ask, on behalf of his family and friends, that you give us this time to be with him and help him with his recovery."

Shannon breathed out a deep sigh. He was glad to get it out but he knew the questions were coming. 

Photographers began snapping pictures, journalists began firing random questions. The crowd was in an uproar. 

"What's the bands' fate now?"  
"Where has Jared been for the last year?"  
"Can you tell us what happened to him while he was away?"  
"How's the family handling this?"  
"What about his wife? Doesn't he have a wife? Where is she?"  
"How long has he been home?"

Shannon glanced backstage at Lexi as if to say, "Help me."  
She smiled at him and gave him a thumbs up.  
He turned back to see Tomo giving him a disapproving look. 

Shannon gave him a puzzled look, shrugging his shoulders. Tomo turned his head and ignored him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The flight home was tense. Everyone was quiet and kept to themselves. Tomo was looking out the window with a stern look on his face. Shannon sat down next to him and said, "What's up bro?"

"Nothing." Tomo replied, not looking away from the window. 

"Hey man, what's wrong with you lately? You pissed at me or something? You've been giving me the cold shoulder and some weird looks lately."

Tomo paused then slowly turned to looked at him. "You know, I didn't want to say anything but I've got to get this out. Maybe it's none of my business and maybe it is. I don't know, but what the fuck is going on between you and Lexi?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Shannon furrowed his brow at Tomo.

"I mean.....her holding your hands, kissing you on the cheek. All those little looks you give each other. I see it, man. I've been noticing it for a long time now. So has Matt. At first I didn't think much about it but since Jared has come back I've noticed it more and more. Dude, what the fuck is going on? Are you two fucking? 'Cause if you are then it's a really shitty thing to be doing." Tomo was on a roll. He was getting angrier by the minute.  
"I mean it's a really fucking shitty thing to do to your brother. And with her......her......of all people to hook up with. What the fuck? Not to mention I can't even fucking believe she would do that to Jared. They've been together for so long. I know Jared's been a shit and cheated on her in the past but he was good for the two years before he.....he....disappeared." Tomo faltered with the words. 

"Whoa, whoa......" Shannon put up his hands to cut him off before he went on. "You have no idea what you are talking about. Where the fuck did you get that idea?" Shannon narrowed his eyes at him. "There's nothing like that going on. You know we've always been close friends. We've become closer over the past year but not like you are thinking. How can you even think that? I can't even believe you'd think something like that of Lexi." 

Tomo looked him up and down, unsure of believing him. "You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Shannon lied.

Tomo crossed his arms and shrank back down in the seat looking out the window. "Ok then."

"Ok then." Shannon repeated. "Are we cool?" 

Tomo looked at him and said, "Yeah, we're cool."

"Do I need to go have a talk with Matt?" Shannon asked him.

"No, it's mostly me." Tomo said, looking down at his hands. "Don't worry about it."

"Good." Shannon said, squeezing Tomo's shoulder. "I love ya, buddy."

Tomo smiled at him as Shannon got up and walked away muttering, "Fuck!" under his breath. It seems what little acting experience he had just came to good use but he felt like an ass for it.

Tomo and Matt spent the weekend with Jared then had to fly back to L.A to their families and work. 

Monday night the three of them were having dinner while Lexi tried to make conversation that included Jared. He would occasionally make the remark of, "yeah", "ok", "no" and other one word replies. 

Shannon watched his brother eat, with a sad expression. Jared gave no indication of noticing. He mostly stared at his plate or out the window. Shannon sighed and looked up at Lexi who winked at him and smiled. 

"Hey Jared, the boys held a press conference the other day, you know. They figured it was time everyone knew you were back. Everyone was real happy to hear that." Lexi told him.

"Oh? Good." Jared replied. Jared put his fork down and pushed his chair back. "Going to bed now." He said and went to their bedroom.

"Hmmm" Shannon said. "He took that well."

 "Well I figured he should know. The doctor said he needs to be kept grounded in reality. It's something that's going on right now and we should keep him updated on these things. I'm hoping it will bring him out more and more." Lexi said pushing her own plate back. 

"I hope so." Shannon stretched and yawned, getting up to clear the table. 

"Thanks." Lexi told him as she handed him a plate. She started to head down the hallway when Shannon called out to her. 

"Hey Lex, we've gotta talk." Shannon was still at the sink with his back to her. 

"Ok, what's on your mind?" she asked.

Shannon grabbed a couple of beers out of the refrigerator and walked over to the table stopping to peer down the hallway before he sat. He nodded towards the table indicating for Lexi to sit down. 

Shannon let out a long breath of air before saying, "I had a talk with Tomo on the plane." He clasped his hands in front of him and stared at them. 

"Yeah? About what?" Lexi asked. 

"Us." Shannon whispered after a long pause.

"Us?" Lexi's eyes grew wide. "What do you mean?" She leaned in toward him. 

"You know what I mean." Shannon looked up at her. "He's noticed.......things." 

Lexi let out a deep breath and pulled her hand through her hair. "So what did you tell him?" 

"I told him I couldn't believe he'd think that of either of us. I felt like a real shit. He really read me the riot act about how could we do that to Jared. You can just imagine." Shannon said quietly.

"Yeah, yeah I can." Lexi said, putting her hand on his fidgeting fingers.  
"The thing is......well, I'm glad you denied it. I mean, he can't know. No one can know. " she said looking up into his eyes. "No one, ever. It can't get back to Jared. It would.....kill him."

"So what are we gonna do?" Shannon asked squeezing her hand back, looking up at her.

"Do? What do you mean?" she sat up. "There is nothing to do except keep it to ourselves."

"No, I mean about us." Shannon said pointedly.

"Shannon......" she stopped and thought about her words. "There is no 'us'. There never has been and never can be. We were just there for each other. That's all."

Shannon gave a short chuckle. "Ok"

"Look Shannon, Jared's back........"

"Yeah I know he is." Shannon said, cutting her off.

"Jared's back," she continued," and that's all there is to it. Nothing's changed. I'm still in love with him. He needs me right now and I have to take care of him." 

"So then......" Shannon paused looking for the right words. "So exactly where does that leave us?"

Lexi looked straight into Shannon's eyes.  
"Shannon, there can't be an 'us'. What we had was two people comforting each other. Nothing more, nothing less. Neither one of us ever said........."

Shannon interrupted her. ".......don't. Just don't go there. Just because it wasn't said doesn't mean......". 

Lexi cut him off. "Shan, you know I love you. I always have. You're my best friend. I'd never trade that for anything but Jared's back and we can't do this. I'm sorry. This whole goddamn situation sucks but it is what it is. In another life, yeah......maybe there could have been an 'us' but not in this one. It just can't be."

Shannon jumped up from his chair and said, "I know! Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I know how fucked up everything is? I just.....fuck...... I don't know. I don't know what I've been feeling. I never questioned it until Jared came back. Now I feel like shit. Worse than I ever have. And I know, I know we can't ever be anything but friends. I know this but I can't help what I feel. Whatever that is. Maybe you're right. Maybe it was the fact that we were both missing Jared, grieving over him..... or something. Just think about this, Lex. You've got Jared back. What have I got now?" 

Shannon turned his back to her and started down the hallway.

"You're brother, Shannon. You've got your brother back." Lexi called behind him. She stretched back in the chair.

"Son of a bitch." she said under her breath. She got up from the table and went to Jared.


	7. Edge of the Earth

It was something they never talked about. After that first night together neither one of them ever spoke of it. There were just suddenly more glances, more affectionate gestures, more deep conversations. 

Grief is a funny thing. You never know what it's going to cause you to do. This thing between Lexi and Shannon was born out of grief and that made it not real. People who are grieving don't think about what's right or wrong or what's best. They are only looking to ease their own pain. 

Grief is a selfish thing. They both felt shattered beyond repair and reached out to each other. It went too far. They both felt guilty about it but were unable to stop it because by reaching out for each other, they both found a piece of Jared they could cling to. 

They never considered themselves a couple. They never considered anything at all. Their friendship only deepened if anything. They didn't think of how they looked to others. They didn't think about anything but this small world of grief they were both living in. Some nights the loneliness and grief were too much to bear and they turned to each other. No matter the shame and guilt they felt; the sorrow and desolation and the drive to relieve it, won out. 

At first Shannon stayed in L.A and flew back to Louisiana often to visit Lexi. Lexi rented out their house in L.A and moved back to Louisiana a couple of months after Jared disappeared. She couldn't bear the loneliness of the house she and Jared had shared together but she couldn't bring herself to sell it yet so she rented it out. Selling it meant something so final,she couldn't stand the thought of it. 

 

Shannon started staying with Lexi more and more. His work was few and far between. He sat in on studio sessions, did a few paying photography gigs, a couple of small acting jobs, he even resorted to going back to construction work. His heart wasn't into music as much as it had been. Jared being gone left a hole. It left a deep, yawning sinkhole within the band. They stayed in contact but the band itself was no more. None of them had the heart to go on without Jared. Hiring a new lead singer was out of the question so they all went their separate ways but remained in contact. They helped each other out with available gigs. Matt found another band. Tomo found session work. 

Four months after Jared disappeared, Shannon had pretty much moved in with Lexi. He worked construction in the small town and left for session work or the gigs he was hired for whenever needed. Sometimes he left just to visit Tomo or Matt. 

Shannon and Lexi got used to their routined existence. Lexi going on photo shoots whenever she had a job. Shannon doing his thing. There were days they'd walk wordlessly around each other, each wrapped up in their own thoughts. There were days they would have deep, meaningful conversations. Never about their unspoken subject. Never about what they were doing, where it was leading, what they were feeling towards each other. Neither of them wanted to think about it.  
Occasionally, their conversations would lead to speculation of Jared. Neither could accept his death. There wasn't the closure of seeing a body, having a funeral. The strain from the lack of closure was apparent. They both lost weight, both had dark circles under their eyes from lack of sleep. 

After several wordless grief-filled days, they usually ended up in the comfort of each other's arms. It wasn't often, but when it happened it was needed. Each, wracked with guilt, would silently vow to themselves it would never happen again, but it did; after too many lonely days of being enveloped in their own grief. 

Summer thunderstorms were especially hard on Lexi. She didn't know why. After all, she grew up in this area, used to the violent summer storms. For some reason, these storms would make her feel lonelier than ever and she would end up in Shannon's bed for comfort. She'd fall asleep curled up in his arms. When lightening would light up the entire house in the middle of the night, she would lay there thinking of Jared, wondering where he was and after she could bear it no more, she'd steal into Shannon's room and slide under the sheets next to him, where he would wrap his arms around her tight and they silently fell asleep. 

As the days went by, Lexi would see Shannon looking at her as if in deep thought, then quickly look away. He became more affectionate towards her. Small gestures, soft touches. He would touch her face when they made love and he always seemed to be holding back words he wanted to say. 

Their private affection was starting to show in public and it didn't go unnoticed. Lexi was rarely ever out in public with Shannon so the world was oblivious but Matt and Tomo were anything but.

One day while Matt and Tomo were flying back to L.A from a rare visit to Louisiana, Tomo brought it up first. 

"Do you get the feeling there's something going on between Shannon and Lexi?" Tomo asked Matt.

"Huh? What are you talking about?" Matt looked at Tomo puzzled.

"I mean the way they act around each other. Haven't you noticed that? He's always touching her." Tomo said.

Matt shrugged his shoulders. "Well yeah, they've always been like that."

"No, nuh uh, not like this. Not THIS much. I swear I saw Shannon run his fingers through her hair." Tomo chuckled. "I mean come on, he's practically living there with her. Don't you find that kinda... Weird?"

"No. They need each other right now. Shannon doesn't want her to be alone. It makes sense that they would live together for a while to help each other through their grief. They can relate to what each other's going through. Plus his mom is living in the same town and she's there most of the time. Tomo, you have a dirty mind!" Matt playfully shoved Tomo's shoulder.

"Ha! 'helping each other through their grief'. I'll just bet!" 

"Tomo! Don't say stuff like that, man. Look at who you're talking about." Matt shook his head.

"Dude, I swear to you, I'm not making this shit up. Don't sit there and tell me you don't notice how they look at each other. Shannon rubbing her back, Lexi kissing him on the cheek. When they talk, he puts his hand on top of hers. He puts his arm around her. The other night when we went to bed, I got up later to get water from the kitchen and they were on the couch sitting real close together. He had his arm around her and kissed her temple with a little more friendliness than should be. He got up from the couch and saw me walking up the hall and had this guilty look on his face."

"Seriously?" Matt's eyes grew wide. "Man, I don't believe it. I just can't imagine it."

"Hey man, people do some strange things out of grief." Tomo said shaking his head. "I'm telling you, there's something going on there."

"Well even if there is, it's none of our business. I just don't even want to think about that." Matt leaned his seat back and put in his earbuds. 

"Hmmmff" Tomo replied.


	8. Bury Me

Jared progressed little by little over the next few months. Everyone was happy about this but it came with emotional outbursts. Lexi would frequently find Jared by himself, crying.

One morning she woke up to hear the shower running. She went to the door and pressed her ear against it because she thought she heard crying. 

"Jared?" she said. "Can I come in?"  
No answer just sobbing. She'd heard it before but it still worried her. She opened the door a crack.  
"Baby? Can I come in?" she asked.

She heard sniffling and coughing but no answer. She pushed the door open and tentatively stepped in the doorway.

"Jared?" she called.

When there was no answer she parted the shower curtains to see him sitting in the corner of the tub shaking and crying. 

"Oh baby, what's wrong?" 

Lexi turned off the water and grabbed a towel to wrap around him. He sat there trembling and crying so she climbed in the tub with him to hug him tight against her. She shushed him and rocked him back and forth until he quieted. 

Then, while sitting on the bed, he started babbling nonsense to her. "Lexi.....I.....I just.....I can't......please......" He started hyperventilating. "........stop.....I couldn't.....they....."

She hugged him and quieted him down again. "Sshhhh, you're here. You're safe. It's ok, Jared. You're ok."

"But where am I?" he looked at her with pleading eyes. He started looking around. "This isn't where we live. I don't know where we are."

"No Jared, I moved. A few months after you disappeared I moved to Lafayette, Louisiana. You're right. You don't know this place." Lexi told him.

Jared was still breathing heavy and looking around, his eyes wide. "What?"  
"Jared, look at me." She cupped his face in her hands.  
"I moved out of our house in L.A and moved here. Ok? But you're safe. No one knows where you are but Shannon, Matt, Tomo and your mom."

After a few minutes Jared stopped looking around and calmed down.

"I'm sorry. I'm just confused." he said. 

Lexi hugged him tight, dried him off and helped him change his clothes to get ready for his doctor's appointment. 

 

Two weeks later Lexi woke up to the sound of a crash in the kitchen. Noticing Jared wasn't asleep next to her she bolted out of bed meeting up with Shannon in the hallway. "What the hell?" Shannon said to her as they heard another crash.

Jared was standing in the middle of the kitchen with broken dishes at his feet. As they came in he threw another plate across the room causing both of them to duck. Jared was screaming, "NNOOOO!!!" as he knocked appliances off the counter.

"Jared! Jared, what's wrong?" Lexi cried.  
"Hey, bro, what's wrong? Calm down." Shannon said, walking over to him.  
"Stay away from me!" Jared shrieked stopping Shannon dead in his tracks. He looked at Lexi with pleading eyes.

"Jared. Jared. It's us. It's Lexi and Shannon. Baby, put the plate down. Tell us what's wrong." Lexi calmly walked toward him. 

Jared whipped his head around and stared at her. "Stay away!" He threw the plate in her direction causing her to duck once more.

"Damn!" Shannon said.

"Jared. Come on, it's me Lexi. It's ok. No one's going to hurt you. You need to calm down before you hurt yourself" Lexi told him, trying to approach him once more.

His response was throwing a glass in her direction.

Jared began to pace around the kitchen breathing heavy and muttering to himself. His feet were leaving bloody footprints around the kitchen.  
"We've got to get him to the doctor. He needs stitches." Shannon pointed out. 

Jared heard him and screamed a fervent "NO!" and threw a bowl in Shannon's direction causing him to duck. The bowl smashed against the wall. Shannon, eyes wide, looked at Lexi. "What are we going to do? "

"I'm calling an ambulance. He's got to get stitches in those feet." Lexi walked into the living room to make the phone call. 

At six a.m. Lexi and Shannon were both in the ER waiting room, mentally and physically exhausted from the night.  
"I thought he was getting better." Shannon said.

"Well, in a way, he is. He's not withdrawn anymore. This is his way of dealing with what happened to him. He's mad and frustrated. His doctor said this might happen. He's just got to learn to deal with it in a different way. His outbursts are a sign of him not withdrawing into himself but coming to terms with it. Sounds fuck up doesn't it?" Lexi said.

"Yeah, if this is getting better I'd hate to see what worse is." Shannon replied.

"Worse would be him completely catatonic. He was headed in that direction when we found him. If we hadn't taken him to a psychiatrist then he'd be completely unresponsive to us right now. At least that's what the doctor said." Lexi sighed and leaned back in her chair. Shannon put his arm around her and rested his head on her shoulder. 

Jared needed 7 stitches in his right foot and 5 in his left. Lexi was relieved that was all. The paramedics had to restrain him and when they got him to the hospital they had to give him a shot of Haldol to calm him down. Once the doctor was finished he advised Lexi and Shannon to have him put in an inpatient facility. They thanked the doctor for his advice but neither one of them wanted to do that. 

With Jared resting in the back seat of the car Shannon said, "Lexi, do you think he's right? Maybe he needs to be some place like that. Just for a little while."

"No." Lexi stated firmly. "No way. I know it sounds crazy Shannon, but I can't let him out of my sight. There's this nagging fear in the back of my mind that if I let him out of my sight he's going to disappear again. I know it's irrational but if there's any way we can do this without having to put him in the hospital then we're going to do it. I just can't."

Shannon reached out and squeezed her hand. "I know. I know."

After getting Jared in bed, both were exhausted. 

"Did I ever tell you how I imagined Jared's homecoming?" Lexi asked. "Well I can tell you it wasn't this. I pictured his coming home to us all happy and excited to see us and we'd hug and.......and........ oh fuck, I don't know. I just expected Jared. Not this stranger."

"He isn't the Jared we know right now, but he will be. Give it time. You know it's going to take a while." Shannon told her. 

Lexi ran her fingers through her hair and yawned. "I know. I'm just not sure I can do this. I feel like I'm going to go crazy before it's all over with." Tears were forming in her eyes. "I just want him back, Shannon. I want him back the way he was."  
She pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. "It's like Jared disappeared and I don't even know this person that came back."  
She put her head down and started crying. 

Shannon hugged her. "It's ok, Lexi. I feel the same way. You've been strong for so long. Just keep being strong. Jared needs that. You've got me here to help you." He kissed her temple.  
"You're just tired. You need to get some sleep and you'll feel better. Look, Jared's going to be ok. We're all going to be ok. I promise."

She looked up at him. "Do you really think so? I mean do you really believe that in your heart or are you just telling me this so I don't go crazy and you have to take care of me too?" She smiled.

Shannon put his hand underneath her chin. "I really believe that." He stared into her eyes for a moment, his hand lingering on her chin then leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. For a moment, Lexi responded. For a moment she just wanted comfort, warmth, affection and to just get lost and not think about anything. Suddenly she pulled away from him.  
"Shannon." 

He sat back and cast his eyes down. "I'm sorry. I just got carried away."

Lexi got up off the bed and let out a deep sigh. "I almost did too but that can't ever happen again. I mean it."  
She turned around and walked out the door.

Shannon watched the door close and he laid down on the bed. "Fuck, that was stupid." He said aloud to no one. 

 

Lexi retreated back to her and Jared's room. Jared was sound asleep from the Haldol the doctors gave him. She laid down on the bed and sighed heavily, staring at the ceiling, noticing the shadows the fan blades made. 

What was Shannon thinking? Why did he keep doing this? It had to stop. Christ, could things get any more complicated?. Lexi sighed. 

"How the hell did things get like this?" Lexi asked aloud. Never in a million years would she have dreamed of cheating on Jared. Even when Jared was missing, that's what it felt like. She reached out for comfort but always felt guilty afterwards. 

Lexi woke curled up next to Jared. She looked over at the clock, four p.m. She got up wincing at the pain of being in one position for too long. Walking down the hallway she noticed the light of the tv illuminating the living room and Shannon sitting up on the couch smoking. Lexi let out a deep sigh, walked over to the couch and sat next to Shannon, grabbing the bottle of Cuervo sitting on the table. 

"So, what's up? Thanks for cleaning up the mess in the kitchen." she asked as she took a drink out of the bottle and winced. "Damn, this is why I drink Patron." She shuddered.

"Lightweight" Shannon replied.

Lexi laughed. A long silence passed between them. Shannon kept his eyes on the tv. Lexi reached for his cigarettes. She lit one and winced at the non menthol flavor she's not used to. 

"Did you sleep at all?" she asked.

"A little." Shannon replied, not taking his eyes off the tv. Lexi knew he wasn't really watching it. It was CNN and the sound was too low to really hear well. 

"Shannon, look I'm sorry about earlier. I mean..."

Shannon cut her off. "Lex, I need to move out. I think you've got a handle on things with Jared, and mom is close by. I just think it's time for me to go."

Lexi turned and faced Shannon. "Shan, I know why you want to move out but you're not running from this. Jared needs you. I need you. We've been friends far too long to let this destroy us. Jared needs his family here with him. All that matters is Jared, nothing else." 

Shannon put his hand on hers. "You're right, Lex. I just....... I'm just..... I don't know how to put it." He stood up, lit another cigarette and paced around the room. "Confused I guess. Suddenly Jared is back home and we're faced with dealing with......us. The "us" that shouldn't have been but was. Ya know?" Shannon scratched his head. 

"I know. Trust me, Shannon, I know. I know you feel like you're left out in the cold but you're not. You're still my best friend. I don't want that to change. We have no choice but to deal with it and move on. We have to. This isn't about us, Shannon. This isn't what's important. This is all about Jared and getting him well and back on his feet." 

"Are you saying pretend it never happened, because Lex, I don't know if I can do that." Shannon looked at her.

"No but what choice to we have? Acknowledge it and move on. Right now everything we do has to be for Jared's sake. I need your help."

Shannon sighed and said, "I know. I know. I just don't know what to do. This is too much for me to deal with. Dealing with Jared is one thing but this....." 

"Shannon" Lexi put her hand on his cheek. "Please don't leave."

That was all it took for Shannon to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like what you are reading? I'd like to hear your thoughts. Please leave feedback.


	9. Falling

Shannon decided he needed go to L.A for a vacation to clear his head and make some money doing session work. As much as he didn't want to leave Lexi alone to deal with Jared he knew he had to get away for a little while. He had to get his head straight. Jared was back. Lexi could never be his. It was something he had to deal with so he took some time in L.A to get away from everything. 

 

Shannon stayed with Tomo and Vicki while he was in L.A. Vicki was being nice and waiting on him hand and foot and treating him with extra special care. In all honesty, she didn't really know how to treat Shannon. 

One night, just as Shannon was getting ready for bed, he heard a knock on his door.   
"Dude, can we talk?" said Tomo.  
"Yeah, come on in." Shannon told him as he opened the door.

Tomo walked in carrying a couple of beers handing one to Shannon.  
"Thanks" Shannon said and lit a cigarette. "So what's on your mind?"

"Well" Tomo began as he grabbed the chair and sat down. "I don't really know how to go about this." Tomo grabbed his cigarettes and lit one.  
"Tell me what's going on."

Shannon looked confused. "Oh, Jared? Well you know he had this sort of breakdown last week and......."

"No." Tomo cut him off. "That's not what I mean. I mean you and Lexi."

Shannon was stunned momentarily not knowing what to say. "Um...okay.....well....." Shannon stood up and took a long drink from his beer and started pacing around the room.   
"Oh fuck, Tomo. I don't really know what to say."

"Just tell me, Shannon. I know something's up with you. I can tell when I talk to you on the phone. I see the way you look at her. I see the tension between you two. Tell me, Shannon, how long has this been going on?" 

"Damn." Shannon said as he sat on the edge of the bed and scratched his head. "Man, it's such a long story and it's not like you think in fact it's not even going on anymore, not since Jared came back."

"Holy shit, so it's true. Wow! I just can't believe it." Tomo pulled back in his chair.

Shannon put his hand up, "Wait, it's not like that. I know how this looks but let me tell you everything before you make any kind of judgement." Shannon sighed heavily and looked around for his cigarettes. 

"Tomo, Lexi's gonna fucking kill me for this but it's driving me crazy. I need someone to talk to. I just can't deal with this but before I tell you you've gotta promise me, man, I mean really promise me that nothing I say leaves this room. No one else can know about this. Promise me."

"Okay, okay. I promise. I swear, not even Vicki." Tomo told him.

"Shit, especially Vicki. I mean her and Lexi are good friends. What about Matt? Does he know anything?" Shannon was back to pacing around the room.

"No. We discussed it once but he didn't believe me so I dropped it. Now calm the fuck down and tell me. You're making me dizzy doing all that pacing." Tomo told him. 

So Shannon sat on the edge of the bed and told Tomo the entire story.

Afterwards Tomo just sat there for several agonizing minutes looking at Shannon with his mouth open. 

"Oh my God. I....I....I don't know what to say." Tomo shook his head. "I mean I suspected it but to hear you say it is just so........ crazy. Dude, what.......what the fuck....... I mean......"

"Tomo, it's not going on anymore. Nothing's happened since Jared came back. Nothing is going to happen. I would never......" Shannon stopped himself because he wasn't completely sure that was the truth.

"I can't even believe....." Tomo started to say before Shannon cut him off.

"Tomo, I can't even believe it myself. That time seems so surreal to me now." Shannon sat on the bed and put his head in his hands.

"Dude, I don't even know what to say to this." Tomo said.

"Lexi was going stir crazy in that house. She had to get out. Jared's ghost was everywhere. I could barely stand to be there myself. So Lexi rented it out and took off to Louisiana to the town she grew up in. I tried to talk her into selling it but she just kept saying, 'What if he comes back?' She was half out of her mind with grief and so was I." 

Tomo sat there nodding his head.

"I didn't want her to be alone. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was just walking around in a daze. You know. We all were. So I stayed there more and more until I was basically living there and after a while......... things just started.....happening. I don't know how to explain it. We were both so......so...... I don't know.... devastated."

Tomo stretched his arms high above his head and exhaled heavily.   
"Wow. I can't even imagine what you guys were going through. I mean you two have always been really close so I guess I can see how that can happen given the circumstances. The important thing is it's not going on anymore. Right?"

"Right." Shannon said. "There's only one problem."

"Yeah?"

"I'm in love with her." 

"Oh fuck. Shannon. Is she in love with you?" 

"No. She's completely in love with Jared. Isn't that some shit? Can you believe it? I'm the one that falls in love. The self proclaimed 'single forever' guy. God damn, of all the women I pick to fall in love with." Shannon chuckled. 

"What are you going to do?" Tomo asked him.

"Nothing, Tomo. I'm not going to do a god damn thing. She's Jared's." Shannon sat back with his arms folded across his chest. "She belongs to my brother and that's that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lexi sat at her computer staring at pictures. She was trying to decide what to keep and what to trash when the phone rang. 

"Hello?" she asked.

"Hey!" Shannon said. 

"Hi Shannon! How's it going?" Lexi asked.

"It's going fine. Tomo and Matt say hi. Matt was here earlier today." 

"Oh great, tell them I said hi. So how are you?" Lexi asked.

"I'm fine." Shannon told her.

"Really. How are you doing? It's been two weeks. I haven't heard from you. I want to know how YOU are doing?" Lexi asked him.

"Lexi, I'm doing fine. Really. How's Jared?" Shannon asked really wanting to know about his brother. He missed him.

"Jared is doing better. He's talking more. I mean...... more here..... more in the present. Having real conversations. Nothing at all about the past year but he is talking to me more. Constance has been here. He's talking to her too. Just day to day stuff mainly but he is talking. You should talk to him." 

"I'm glad to hear that. I will." Shannon said. He got silent, fiddling with the phone cord for a moment. "Are you doing ok?"

Lexi knew what he meant. "Shan, I'm fine. I mean as fine as I can be. I'm just happy Jared's making progress."

Silence. 

"So when are you coming home?" Lexi asked.

"In a few days. I've got a couple more sessions to do then I'm done." Shannon told her. He wanted so badly to say 'I miss you' but he knew he couldn't. 

"I miss Jared and mom so I promise to be home as soon as I can. Probably by the weekend." He said instead.

"Jared misses you too. He asked about you." Lexi said.

"He did? That's great!" Shannon told her wondering if she missed him at all. "I'll see you guys soon." 

He hung up the phone and silently chastised himself for thinking about Lexi and wondering if she missed him. He shook his head to get the thoughts to go away. "Goddamn" Shannon said as he put his head in his hands. "Get it together Leto."

 

Lexi hung up the phone and sighed. She sat for a minute staring at the phone then went to Jared who was finishing his dinner. 

"Shannon's coming home in a few days." She told him.

Jared smiled at her and said, "Good. I miss him." It was one of his rare smiles and it made Lexi's heart full.   
She reached across the table and grabbed his hand. "You ok?"

"I'm fine." He smiled at her and got up to put his dishes in the sink. Lexi followed him and put her arms around his waist. He put his hand on her arm. She sighed and put her head on his shoulder. " I missed you so much." She told him unable to hold back the tears that slid down her cheeks. 

Jared turned to face her and said, "I am so sorry." He then buried his face in her neck and sighed.

"Oh Jared, I know you are but it's not your fault. You know that, right?" She rubbed her hands along his back and held him close.

"I know but I can't help but feel guilty for not being here.......for making you go through all the crap you've gone through. For..... you thinking I was...... I was.......dead." He started to cry.

"Oh Jared. Don't." Lexi squeezed him hard. "You have nothing to feel guilty for. You didn't do anything wrong." She brushed the hair from his eyes and looked at him. He hung his head low but Lexi pulled his face up to hers. "You need to understand that none of this is your fault. It's not. I don't blame you, Shannon doesn't blame you nor does your mom or anyone else." She kissed his tears away and he hugged her tight.

"I promise to get better for you. I promise to be the man I was. The man that you need." He said.

"I'm not going anywhere no matter what." She told him. 

Jared hugged her tight, breathing in her scent. "I missed you too, Lexi."


	10. Forget About the Past

Two days later Shannon arrived greeting Lexi and Jared with hugs.  
"Hey bro, I heard you've been up and around." Shannon said to his brother.

"Yeah, feeling better." Jared replied. "Thanks to this girl here." He kissed Lexi's cheek. 

Shannon looked from Jared to Lexi, smiled and picked up his suitcases and said, "Well I'm going to get unpacked. I'm beat after that flight." 

Lexi sighed then smiled at Jared. "I'm glad he's home. You two need to reconnect. Why don't you go up and talk to him right now?" 

"You're right." Jared said and went upstairs to Shannon's room. He knocked softly on the door.

When he heard Shannon's reply he came in, standing just inside the doorway. "Hey."

Shannon looked up, a little surprised. "Hey brother. Come on in. I'm just unpacking."

Jared walked over and sat on the bed. "How's L.A?"

"You know. Same 'ol, same 'ol." Shannon replied from the closet. 

"How's Matt and Tomo?" Jared asked, pulling at a thread on the comforter.

"Good, man. They're both doing session work. Whatever they can to pay the bills." Shannon told him while pulling more clothes out of his suitcase.

"Oh" Jared said. 

Shannon looked sharply at his brother, realizing how that sounded. "Oh man. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound......"

"Nah, it's ok." Jared cut him off. "I can't help but feel bad that everyone is having such a rough time because of me."

"Don't feel guilty, Jared. This wasn't your fault. No one blames you. We are all just really happy to have you back home safe, man, so do not go on a guilt trip. I mean that." Shannon put his hand on Jared's shoulder. "Seriously. None of us care how much time it takes for you to get better. We are all here for you." 

Jared smiled up at Shannon with tears in his eyes and hugged him. "Thank you" he choked out.

"It's hard not to though. Everyone having to scrape by and do this and that. Everything was going so well. We were going to go on tour. Our careers were really taking off then this......." he stopped and squeezed his eyes shut. Dammit, he did not want to cry.

"Don't do this, Jared. Please. I can understand that you feel guilty, really, but please don't. We all love you. We're all just so glad you are alive and here with us now."

"I'm sorry. I just think of what you and Lexi and mom and everyone else went through while I was gone. I'm so sorry." Jared's shoulders sagged. 

A sudden pang of guilt washed over Shannon. He looked at Jared sitting on the bed. The bed where he and Lexi had made love several times. He closed his eyes and turned around. 

"What's done is done, Jared. Can we just be thankful you're here and alive and forget about the rest?" Shannon said more sharply than he intended. He spun around and took his shaving kit into the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror. "You're a bastard." he whispered to his reflection.

"Ok, ok." Jared said, somewhat puzzled by Shannon's reaction. 

Shannon walked out of the bathroom and said, "You take as long as you need to to get better. After that we'll talk about band stuff ok? The important thing is you don't rush yourself. You do whatever you feel up to doing regardless of us. Deal?"

"Deal." Jared smiled up at Shannon and hugged him. 

Jared walked outside and sat in the swing next to Lexi. 

"You're smoking again." Jared pointed out. 

"I'll quit again when I'm ready. Did you talk to Shannon?" Lexi asked, changing the subject. She'd never liked being hounded about quitting. 

"Yeah he told me not to feel guilty." he smiled.

"It's good to see you smile again." she stroked the back of his head. He leaned on her shoulder and folded his arms, getting comfortable. 

Jared let out a long sigh. "It feels good too. First time anything's felt good in a long time."

"Well, we'll work on that." Lexi kissed his head and threw her cigarette away, wrapping her arms around him. "I'm just happy to have you back."

 

Shannon let the curtain fall back into place. He watched Jared and Lexi sitting in the swing together. He couldn't help feeling jealous. He'd finally connected with a woman and it was the wrong woman to connect with.

"Of all the women in the fucking world, Leto." Shannon said to himself as the curtain fell. He ran his hands through his hair looking around his room. He needed to get out of here. It was much easier to deal with this from L.A but he couldn't leave his brother just as he was starting to make some progress. He knew he had to just suck it up and let things go, for his brother. Lexi had always been a best friend to him. She was going to be his sister-in-law and there was nothing he could do about that. Nothing could ever change this fucked up situation.


	11. Searching For a Sign

Lexi yawned and rolled over feeling Jared's side of the bed cold. She sat up and looked at the clock, five a.m. She rubbed her eyes and got out of bed. When she opened the door she heard the faint sound of guitar music. As she walked softly down down the hallway the music became louder. There she saw Jared sitting on the couch strumming the guitar. She crossed her arms and leaned against the doorway watching him. He was softly singing A Modern Myth. The sound was so sweet to Lexi's ears that tears began to form in her eyes. She wished she could freeze this moment in time. It was truly one of the best moments of her life. 

Suddenly Jared turned around and saw her. "Hey." he said with a sheepish smile. 

"Oh no, don't stop playing. Please." Lexi said. 

Jared held his hand out. "Come sit next to me." 

Lexi sat quietly smiling while Jared continued to play. He switched to another song, one that Lexi didn't recognize. 

"I wrote that this morning." He told her when he was finished. He saw the tears in Lexi's eyes and wiped them away. 

"It's beautiful." she whispered. He was writing music again. This meant he was healing. For Jared, this was better than any therapy money could buy. 

"I'm happy you're writing again. This is good therapy for you, you know." she told him. 

Jared reached out and cupped her face with one hand. "Having you here is therapy for me too. Coming home to you and Shannon."

Lexi felt a sudden pang of guilt wash over her but she managed a smile while blinking back more tears. She grabbed his hand and kissed it.   
"We're here for you."

She ran her hands through his hair staring into his eyes as she pulled him in and kissed him softly. His breath hitched as she pulled him closer and their kiss deepened. Lexi moaned softly as she brushed her tongue across his lips. It had been so long. She missed these lips. The familiarity, the taste, his skin and the way it smelled, everything about him. Without breaking the kiss she slid over on to his lap. She slowly ground into his crotch making him groan. She slid her hands inside his shirt and ran her hands along his ribs, feeling his scars. With a sharp intake of breath, Jared shot backwards and grabbed Lexi's wrists holding her back.  
"Don't!" he said, his eyes wide with fear. 

"I'm sorry. Do they hurt?" Lexi said. 

"No. I just......" Jared stopped,pushed her off his lap and got up. "I just can't....not yet.....n-not now." He got off the couch and walked away. 

Lexi ran after him. "I'm so sorry, Jared. I didn't mean to........."

"No Lex, it's ok." Jared walked into their bathroom and began splashing cold water on his face. "You didn't do anything wrong." He said as he stared into the mirror. 

"Then what is it?" Lexi cried from the doorway.

"I don't know! Ok? I just can't right now! Leave it alone." Jared said more harshly than he intended to. 

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry. I won't push." Lexi said, getting into bed.

Jared sighed, flipped off the light switch and climbed into bed next to her. "I'm sorry."

"Jared, it's ok. I wasn't thinking." Lexi told him. 

"I don't know what's wrong. I just had this flashback. I saw...... never mind what I saw. I just...... I don't know how to explain it." He sighed and rolled over, his back to her. 

Lexi rubbed his back. "Jared, don't worry about it. It's going to be ok. We'll get through this. We'll figure it out. I'll be right here with you the whole time." She pulled close and spooned him, kissing the back of his head and breathing in his scent. That scent drove her crazy. She ached to make love to him but she couldn't push him. She loved him enough to wait as long as it took to get him through this. 

 

_____________________________________________________

Jared continued to play his guitar late at night. Lexi liked this but he would sleep most of the day. His therapy had gone to 3 days a week and on those days Jared was half asleep during the day and grumpy about going. 

"I'm tired of going. I don't need it anymore. " Jared complained to Lexi. "I'm not having nearly as many nightmares and I'm communicating."

"Ok, next appointment let's talk to Dr. Williams and see what he says. Ok?" Lexi told him.

"Ok." Jared replied.

The next appointment Lexi sat in on and she told Dr. Williams of his improvements and he agreed that Jared didn't have to come in as often. He said he wanted to see Jared back in 2 weeks and Jared agreed. The doctor prescribed him sleeping pills to get him back on a normal sleep schedule and at first Jared balked at taking them but Lexi pressed the issue. She felt it was important for him to get on the same schedule as her and Shannon. 

"Jared it's just not healthy for you to be up all night alone and sleep all day. Plus I don't get to see you much like this." Lexi pulled him in close. 

"Dammit, I have such a hard time saying 'no' to you." Jared told her so in the end, Lexi won out.   
"Just take them long enough to get back on a normal schedule that's all." Lexi told him and he agreed. "You can still work on your music alone."


	12. Bleed For the Fantasy

Jared continued to work on his music for the next month. It was then that Shannon decided to call Tomo and Matt. He'd hoped this was the beginning of getting the band back together and start working the tour that had been planned to start in October. Shannon knew there was no way this was going to happen. It was already the beginning of October, Jared had only been home 4 months and was no where near well enough to even think of touring until next year.  
Still, there was progress. He was writing music again. If it was therapy for him then Shannon was all for it. Right now what he wanted to focus on was how to make the tour happen. The fans knew Jared was back and the internet was buzzing with rumors, speculation and excitement. Everyone wanted to know what happened to Jared and when the tour would start. Unfortunately, they were a long ways away from starting a tour. At least Jared picking up his guitar and writing music was a start. Fortunately, the record company was being understanding of the situation and wasn't breathing down their necks. They were actually being sympathetic to Jared's situation which Shannon found remarkable. Still, Shannon was starting to get antsy because everyone needed to make money. A feeling Shannon kept to himself. 

The morning Tomo and Matt arrived, Lexi was ecstatic to see them. She greeted them with hugs and kisses. 

"I'm so happy to see the both of you here! Especially here to work on music with Jared." 

As she hugged Tomo she whispered in his ear, " I was so afraid this would never happen again."

He kissed her cheek and said, "Me too." 

As the boys sat in the living room talking, brainstorming, discussing music, arguing their points, talking about touring; Lexi was full of happiness. Her heart was full of contentment to see Jared back with the band talking music. 

They spent most of the day on their music. Lexi stood at the sink washing dishes from feeding the boys their lunch and smiled listening to them talk. It was a familiar sound. Something she'd not heard in a very long time and she liked hearing it. It made her heart feel full. Vicki sat in the kitchen with her listening in while the band practiced. The two girls giggled at the banter between the bandmates.

"Ok, this is how I think......."

"No, I don't like that part....."

"Oh really?"

"No, come on you have to listen........"

"What?"

"No wait......"

"Really, this is what I'm talking about....."

"No way, listen......"

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Guys, come on......."

It made Lexi laugh as she leaned against the doorway watching them and listening to them. The banter alone was music to her ears. 

'God, please let this help Jared get better.' she thought to herself.

It was now getting dark outside and the boys were getting tired and irritable, especially Jared. 

"Hey guys, sorry to interrupt but can I talk to Jared?" Lexi asked, with an ulterior motive for her distraction. 

"Here, take your medicine." She told Jared when he walked into the kitchen. "I know you are getting tired. How do you feel about the guys being here?" She brushed a strand of hair from his face.

"Good. Really productive. I feel good about this. Everyone's a little rusty but we are getting back into the swing of things." Jared told her. 

"Good. I'm glad to hear that." Lexi told him. "Do you want to take a break? You guys have been at it for hours now."

"No, Lex. I'm good. Really. This is good for me. I almost feel.......normal again." He smiled at her. 

"I am so happy to hear that." Lexi hugged him tight. Jared wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. 

"Mmmmm, those lips....." Lexi said, smiling. Jared kissed her again and said, "I missed yours too you know."

"I know." 

Jared let out a deep sigh. "It's just that I...... I mean it's going to take some time to..... well...... I...."

"Sshhhh" Lexi put a finger to his lips. "No hurry. I want you well. That's all I care about. I'm not going anywhere."

Jared smiled at her and knew how lucky he was to come back from this ordeal with someone like her waiting for him. He'd almost lost her years ago and thanked God he didn't. He wasn't sure what he would have done if he didn't have her to come home to. 

Vicki let them have their moment alone then came in to sit down at the kitchen table after Jared walked out. 

"Lexi, he seems to be doing so much better." Vicki dug through her purse and pulled out a joint holding it up to Lexi. 

Lexi sat down at the table next to her taking the joint and lighting it. Handing her a cup of coffee she said, "Yes. He's got a long way to go but he's definitely better. I'm so grateful." 

"Has he told you anything about what happened to him?" Vicki asked.

"No. Not a word. He won't talk about it at all. I assume he talks about it with the doctor but not a word to me or Shannon. I guess he will when he's ready." Lexi took a deep drag off the joint and handed it to Vicki. "God, I haven't been stoned in so long. This is great, Vicki. Thanks."

Vicki took the joint, winked at her and said in a whisper, "Well, I kinda heard that last piece of conversation. I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. I just came in right as he said it. Have you guys not.......?"

Lexi smiled at her. "No. He barely lets me touch him. I guess it's going to have to be small steps after what he's been through. I only know from what the doctors in Bangkok told me."

"Wow." Vicki said. "Tomo told me. I can't even imagine going through what he's been through."

"Yeah, so the fact that I can even touch him at all is a miracle. When he first got home he barely knew who I was and I couldn't touch him without him whimpering or flinching." 

"God Lexi, that's horrible. It's unthinkable that human beings can do that to each other." Vicki grabbed Lexi's hand and said, "I wish I could have been here for you more. I'm just glad Shannon was here for you. I'm so glad you had each other. I know how lost Shannon's been."

Lexi froze momentarily then smiled and squeezed her hand back.  
"Vicki, I didn't expect everyone's life to stop. You did what you could." She sipped her coffee and said, "Shannon's been a great friend. We've gone through a lot together. "

"I'm so happy that you two were there for each other. I don't think either one of you would have made it through this without the other." Lexi smiled at her but inside she wanted to scream. 

Late into the night, Lexi sat outside in her swing listening to the sounds of the bayou. She had lived here until she was 18 and could not wait to get away from this town that had nothing going on. There was nothing for her here. She wanted to be an actress back then. She had dreams of being famous and she knew it wasn't going to happen if she stayed stuck in this little town. Her other dream was to put out a book of her photography. That dream came true when she got her book on Bayou Life published. It was compiled of photographs of the town and surrounding area she grew up in. This culture was like no other in the United States. 

She no longer dreamed of being a famous actress. She found early on that the public life was not for her. She preferred to make her living off smaller roles and her photography. Now all she could focus on was getting Jared well and getting their lives back to normal. She wanted to get married, have a baby, and let Jared shine. That was what she wanted more than anything. 

She sat in her swing and smiled as she listened to the sounds of the band practicing, talking, arguing, creating, and interacting. All of it was music to her ears. She smiled and felt happier than she'd felt in a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always appreciate feedback!


	13. End of the Beginning

The days on the bayou had become cool and crisp indicating fall had finally arrived. It was late October, the leaves were falling and Halloween was approaching. Lexi loved Halloween. She loved everything about the season. The cold, crisp air, the leaves falling, the decorations going up, the fall festivals, the haunted houses. It was her favorite time of year. 

Jared, however, wasn't as fond of it as she was. He was more of a summer person. The fall and winter made him more down than any other time of the year and this year was no exception. He was even more depressed than in the past. At one point he was so down Lexi was frightened he was reverting back to his previous state. 

One day Lexi found Jared sitting in a chair looking out the window at the gray sky. His face was pale and drawn, cheekbones hollow and there were bags under his eyes. He wasn't sleeping very well again. 

"Hey sweetie." Lexi said as she put her hands on his shoulders and began massaging. 

Jared reach up and patted her hand. "Hey."

"How are you?" Lexi asked.

"I'm ok. What about you?" Jared answered, not taking his eyes off the sky. 

"Jared, my love, you are most definitely not ok." She leaned down and wrapped her arms around him and put her chin on his shoulder. "You want to tell me what's wrong?"  
"It's just this weather. You know I don't like it when it starts getting cold. It's cloudy, it's grey." Jared sighed heavily. "Now Shannon's working construction when we should already be on tour. We're cooped up in the house and Tomo and Matt are gone." Jared paused for a moment. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to bring you down. I guess it's just this weather combined with everything else."

"Well I've been thinking," Lexi said as she pulled a kitchen chair next to him. "that it's time to move back to L.A. I think that's what you need. There's really no longer a reason for us to stay hidden away here. You think you're ready to get back out there?" 

Jared knew what Lexi was getting at. In L.A, he'd be seen by the press. He'd be seen by fans walking down the street. Was he ready to deal with the craziness again? The questions that would be asked? He knew he couldn't hide out forever. 

"Look," Lexi pointed out, "I don't want you going back to L.A unless you are ready to deal with people because there won't be any hiding there unless you never go out of the house and we both know that's not going to happen." 

"Yeah, I'm ready. I think. I just know I can't keep hiding and I just need to get out there and deal with it head on." Jared crossed his arms and kept staring outside. 

"I can make a phone call to get started on the process of moving back. I've already talked to the people who are renting our house and told them they could start looking for a place if they wanted. As soon as they are gone I want to get the place back in shape for us. Do you want to go with me or do you want Shannon to go?" 

"Well, that's kind of the other thing." Jared said. He shifted in his chair. "What was it like while I was gone? I mean what was it like around here? Did you guys just assume I was dead? Were you mourning me? I just....." Jared let out a sigh and ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know. I just wonder about my family and the band and wonder what you guys thought, how you were dealing, stuff like that." 

"Jared, we were all devastated. No one wanted to believe you were dead. Least of all me. I just couldn't accept it." Lexi looked down at her hands. It was hard to talk about this to Jared because she was so happy he was home that she didn't even want to think about all those painful memories.  
"It's weird to have someone there one minute then gone the next and I know that happens all the time when people die but when they just disappear into thin air it's completely different." She shrugged. "It's like there's no closure. At least when someone dies you sort of know where they are. Well depending on your beliefs but you just disappeared into thin air......." She stopped and looked over at Jared who had tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. You just don't know how many times Shannon and I had this same conversation."

"No, I asked. I hate the thought that Shannon's had to work construction again and the boys were left hanging. How was he, Lex? Really. I worry about him. He looks so sad lately." Jared said.

A giant wave of guilt washed over Lexi because she knew exactly why Shannon was sad. "Shannon dealt with it in his own way."

"You mean he got drunk a lot." Jared stated, flatly.

"We both did. At first, anyway. There were a lot of late night philosophical discussions, crying, trying to make sense of everything." Lexi shook her head. "I mean it was about what you would expect, Jared. We were both completely devastated. Everyone, including Tomo and Matt, walked around in a daze for a long time. It was incomprehensible that you could just.......that something like that could happen."

There were words stuck in the back of her throat. Part of her wanted so bad to tell him everything. Part of her wanted to just blurt out, "Your brother and I slept together. I'm sorry. We were crazed with grief, we got drunk and we had sex. We needed each other." But she knew that sounded lame. How would she explain that it happened more than once? Twice? More than three times? No, she couldn't. Jared couldn't take it. He would come completely undone. It was break him completely. No, it was better that he didn't know. 

"I think Shannon's just unsure of how to treat you. I think he's really wanting to get back to the music but he doesn't want to push you." Lexi looked over at him. "Shannon's ok. He's going to be ok but you should talk to him. Let him know where you're at with the music so he doesn't feel like he's pushing. Ok?" 

Jared nodded and they hugged each other for a long time. As she hugged Jared, she swallowed a giant lump of guilt in her throat. She knew Shannon would too. She knew that right now, as Shannon worked, guilt was gnawing away at his gut, just like Lexi. They had to talk and figure out a way to get past it and get on with their lives. Lexi knew she could eventually do it but she wasn't completely sure about Shannon. 

She knew Shannon was in love with her.


	14. Mission

The first week of December the house opened up so Jared, Lexi, and Shannon went to get the house in order. Jared wasn't feeling up to possibly running into the paparazzi or fans so he stayed at the house while Shannon and Lexi went shopping. 

The trip had an underlying tension that seemed to be a theme lately. Anytime Shannon and Lexi were alone together he was distant, lost in his own thoughts. The conversations had turned to polite chit chat. This shopping trip was no different. They went to Home Depot and Walmart for things they needed for the house. As they walked the aisles, Shannon was lost in his own thoughts, only giving basic or one words answers whenever Lexi asked a question. Back at the house, they put away the food and other necessities in almost silence, while Jared seemed unaware of the tension. 

That night Lexi couldn't take the distance anymore.   
After Jared went to sleep she knocked on the door to Shannon's room.  
"Hey, we need to talk, don't you think?" Lexi said the minute he opened the door. She'd had enough of Shannon ignoring her whenever he could for the past month and the past three days were the last straw. They had been forced into situations where they would be alone and Shannon would barely talk to her. Of course, when he thought Lexi wasn't looking, he stared at her, lost in his own thoughts. Anytime Lexi touched him with affection, as she had always done even before Jared went missing, she heard him suck in his breath sharply. There was this huge, yawning gap between them and she knew if she didn't do something about it their friendship would be lost forever. 

Shannon stepped back to let her in with a sweeping gesture of his hand.   
He didn't respond to her question, he just sat back on the bed and continued to stare at the tv and smoke. Lexi sat down next to him and after a few minutes she grabbed the remote and turned off the tv. She knew he wasn't really paying attention to it anyway. Shannon closed his eyes and let out a big sigh.   
"Ok, ok, I get the point." 

"Really? Do you? Because you've been walking around like a zombie for the past month. Do you really think Jared needs that? Do you think it's helpful with his recovery?" Lexi turned and faced him. 

"No, I suppose it isn't but I don't know what the fuck to do, Lex." Shannon said to her. 

"You need to be there for your brother. You need to stop wallowing in self pity!" Lexi half shouted. 

"Don't you think I know that? I think about it every fucking day! Do you feel the same guilt I feel? It eats at me constantly." Shannon told her getting up off the bed.

"Shannon, I know the guilt, trust me! Do you really think I don't feel guilty? My God, it's in the pit of my gut and it gnaws at me but I have to push it aside for Jared's sake. Do you know that the other night I came "this close" to telling him? The words were stuck there in the back of my throat but I couldn't do it and I felt like complete shit for it!   
It would kill him, Shannon. Don't you know that? He loves the two of us so much and to know what went on while he was gone would finish him. I couldn't do it, Shan. I couldn't tell him."   
She sucked in her breath and looked around. "I mean, have you been paying any attention? Do you even realized how fucked up he is mentally? He's afraid of intimacy. It freaks him out. I can't even imagine what he's been through. He still won't talk about it."

Shannon looked up at her. "Does he suspect anything, you know, about us?"

Lexi shook her head. "No. No, Shannon. I don't think he does at all. He's too wrapped up in his pain. He asked about what happened while he was gone. How we dealt with it. That sort of thing. I told him how much we sat up at night and drank and talked and that's when it was on the tip of my tongue to tell him but I just couldn't do it and I felt horrible about it. I just think it would do more harm than good. It may ease my conscience and yours but it would put the burden on him and he doesn't deserve that."

"You did the right thing." Shannon said as he sat down next to her. "I understand how you feel and I don't want to hurt him. I love him so much. It kills me to think of how much we could hurt him."

"Shannon, I told you before, in another life there could have been an 'us' but in this one there just can't be. You don't want to hurt your brother and I'm madly in love with him." Lexi reached out and stroked his cheek.  
"You're my best friend and I love you so much. We were there for each other. I can't say what we did was right but I can't say it was wrong either because we didn't know." She wiped the tears from her eyes.  
"I know that sounds so fucked up but this situation is fucked up. I just want us to deal with it and get past it and be the friends we used to be. I miss you. I miss that. We have to be that again for Jared. Please. I'll do whatever you need to help you." 

Shannon wiped his own eyes and smiled at her. "I'm so sorry for how I've been and I promise to be more help to you with Jared. I'll deal with this. I have to. I don't want to destroy our friendship either." He reached out and took her hand and brought it to his mouth. He closed his eyes as he kiss it. "I love you too." 

During their week in L.A, Jared only left the house once and he was nervous the entire time. He walked the house looking at each room as if he was trying to remember something from the past. When Lexi talked to him about it he insisted he was ok with moving back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day they flew back to their home in Louisiana, Constance was at their house cooking dinner. 

"Hey Mom." Shannnon said as he hugged her. 

"Hello my sons, how was L.A?" she asked him.

"About the same. Something smells good. I'm going to go change. Be right back." He kissed his mother on the cheek and went to his room.

Jared hugged his mother tight. "L.A's good. I didn't see much of it but hey, I got away for a little while."

"When you're ready, Jared." She kissed him on the cheek and watched Jared walk down the hallway. 

"Lexi, how are you doing, hon? You look tired." Constance put her arms around Lexi in a big hug.

"I am, mom. I am very tired. Don't worry though, things are getting better. Jared's getting better and once we get moved to L.A I'm hoping things will eventually get back to normal. It's going to take some time though." Lexi sat down in a kitchen chair.

"I know. How's Shannon doing? He looks pretty tired himself. He seems depressed still." Constance asked.

Lexi paused for a moment, wondering what Constance was thinking. 

"He's dealing, Connie. You know Shannon. He tends to keep things bottled up inside but he's doing all right. We talked while we were in L.A and he's going to be fine. He and Jared are so close and I think he's taking this pretty hard. He's always protected his little brother and I think he feels like he's failed Jared." Lexi stretched back in her chair and yawned. 

At the stove with her back to Lexi, Constance asked, "Did you set him straight?" 

Lexi abruptly sat upright in her chair and said, "What?"

"I said, did you set him straight, dear?" Constance repeated herself.

Lexi swallowed hard. "About what?"

This time Constance turned around. "Don't play games with me. It's a waste of time. I know Shannon's in love with you." She almost whispered.   
Lexi's eyes grew wide and her mouth fell open. For a moment she couldn't speak.   
"Uh, he knows I'm in love with Jared and that he can't have me." she whispered.

"Good." Constance said, turning back to the stove. " I don't know what went on while Jared was gone and I don't want to know. I just want to know that it's over."

A few moments of silence went by.

"It is." Lexi stated, barely above a whisper. She stood, shaking, got her composure and walked out of the kitchen, her mind reeling. 

 

When she got to the bedroom she heard the shower running and carefully opened the door, the steam hitting her in the face. She pulled back the curtain a little and said, "Hey there. Want some company?"

Jared turned at smiled at her. "Sure." Lexi smiled at him, quickly disrobed and joined him in the shower. 

He immediately wrapped his arms around her in a big hug.   
"Mmmmm, i've missed this." He said.

She kissed his shoulder and said, "So have I." 

Lexi lathered the soap and began gently bathing him. 

"Jared, do you remember me giving you a bath when we were in the hospital in Bangkok?" 

"Yeah, a little. There's not a lot I remember from then. It's like I was in a dream, or more like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from, but I do remember bits and pieces of then and the first few weeks I was home." 

Lexi sighed. They'd never talked about that time or his time away. She was always scared to bring it up. 

"I know you want to talk about it. I know you want to know what happened and I'll tell you. I just need some time. It's painful to remember and talk about." Jared said, running his fingers through her hair.   
"Just like......intimacy, it's going to take some time. Okay?"

"Whatever you need, hon. I'm not going anywhere." Lexi wrapped her arms around him again and squeezed him tight.

 

Shannon leaned against the doorway of Lexi and Jared's bedroom and listened. He crossed his arms, sighed, then turned around just in time to see his mother at the far end of the hallway. She gave him a pointed look before turning around and walking back to the kitchen.


	15. This Love's Become a War

Moving back to L.A was a long and trying journey no matter how many people were helping out. Jared was calm and reserved. Shannon was focused on the task, yet distant to everyone. Tomo was acting strangely around Lexi and Shannon. Vicki had no answers to Lexi's questions about Tomo's behavior. Matt and Libby were completely oblivious. 

Constance helped with the packing but spent the entire time wringing her hands with worry over Jared's mental state. More than once she pulled Lexi and Shannon aside to ask if they really thought Jared was ok to move. Lexi was worried about Jared's mental state, worried about Shannon's distance, not sure how to act around Constance and perplexed by Tomo's behavior. It was a stressful time. Everyone was inside their own head dealing with everything.

Luckily once back in L.A, trying to get settled in, things seemed to calm down somewhat. Everyone went about their duties trying to help get the house in order. 

The first night back in their old home Lexi ordered take out for everyone because she was too exhausted to cook.  
"God, I'm so exhausted!" Lexi exclaimed as she laid out all the take out on the table. "Who wants wine?"

"I do!" said Vicki, Libby and Matt.

"I want beer." Tomo said as he went to the refrigerator. "Who else wants one?"

Lexi poured the wine and opened up the boxes of food. Tomo brought the beers to the table.

"I'm so glad to see you guys back here again." Libby said. "I've missed you two so much. Jared, I've never really had the chance to express how sorry I am for what you've been through. I'm very happy to see you getting better."

"Thank you, Libby." Jared replied. "It's been hard and it still is. I've got a long way to go still but I've had an incredible family to help me through it." He smiled at Lexi and Shannon. 

"Here here!" Vicki exclaimed as she raised her glass of wine.

"Yes, I agree." Tomo said and raised his beer smiling at Lexi. 

Everyone else raised their glasses while Tomo stared at Lexi. She returned his gaze with a puzzled look. As she sipped her wine she looked over at Shannon who gave her a nervous look then quickly looked away, and she suddenly figured it out. Tomo's strange behavior and the look. Shannon's nervous manner. He knew. She looked over at Shannon again who was looking down at his plate.

After the meal every one retired to the living room where Lexi lit several candles instead of turning on any lamps. Everyone was laid back and sleepy from the days work and the food. That's when Tomo lit up a joint and passed it to Vicki who then passed it to Shannon and it went around the room. 

Jared stretched and yawned then stood up and said, "I'm sorry guys but I'm beat. I'm going to go ahead and turn in for the night." He leaned down and kissed Lexi, said his goodbyes to everyone as left the living room. 

Libby took a long drag off the joint and said, "He seems to be doing remarkably well, Lex."

"He is. You guys didn't see him at his worst. This is a huge improvement. He was really bad and we didn't want anyone to see him that way." She looked over at Shannon. "That's why it took a while before we let anyone come to the house. I knew Jared wouldn't want people to see him in that condition. He's still got a ways to go though."

Libby gave her an affectionate smile. "I understand. So your family is from Louisiana too, right? Is that why you chose to move there?"

Lexi took the joint from Tomo and took a drag. "Yeah. I grew up in that town."

"It's beautiful. The bayou looks exactly like the descriptions in some of the southern romance novels I've read. Do your parents still live there?" Libby asked.

"No, my parents are dead. My dad died of a heart attack about 10 years ago and my mom was killed in a car wreck when I was 20. They were great people. I got along very well with them and they were totally supportive when I wanted to leave town. They were very simple but smart people. Dad was a car mechanic and mom was a nurse." Lexi told them.

"Oh wow, i'm sorry to hear that. I can't imagine losing my parents. Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Matt asked. 

"Nope. Only child." Lexi replied. 

"We lived north of there in Bossier City for a short time." Shannon said. "Mom will be moving here soon. She stayed in Lafayette to sell the house."

"The south is so strange to me." Tomo said. "I've never really spent a lot of time there. It's so different."

Lexi laughed. "Well don't judge all of the south by Lafayette. It's almost a country all it's own with the cajun french culture. The rest of the south is nothing like it." 

"This is true." Shannon agreed with her.

The chatter finally died down around one in the morning and everyone decided it was time to say good night for the evening. After Lexi said her goodbyes she went to clean the kitchen.

She heard the front door close and a minute later Shannon was walking past the kitchen.

"Shannon, why don't you give me a hand with this?"

Shannon silently grabbed the empty containers from the table and  
threw them in the trash while Lexi watched him as she washed the glasses. 

"So what's up?" Lexi asked.

"Huh? Nothing. What?" Shannon tried to look puzzled but he wasn't fooling Lexi. 

"Cut the crap, Shannon. Tomo knows doesn't he?" Lexi suddenly turned from the sink and said.

Shannon let out a big sigh, sat down at the table and said, "Yes." His shoulders sagged in defeat.

"Damnit, Shannon!" Lexi said as she looked down the hallway to make sure the bedroom door was closed. "What the fuck were you thinking? We both swore no one would ever know! Who else knows?"

"No one! I haven't told anyone else I swear. Lexi, I'm sorry but last time I came back here to L.A, Tomo and I talked. He asked me. He straight up asked me what was going on with us. He knew, Lexi. And I really needed someone to talk to. It's just been inside my head too much. I had to talk to someone." Shannon looked at her with pleading eyes. 

"Shit! What about Vicki? Does she know?" Lexi stood with a hand perched on one hip. 

"No and Tomo swears he's not going to tell her. Look he knows how damaging this could be so he's not going to say anything. Matt and Libby don't know. No one else does." Shannon told her.

"Yeah well guess what?" Lexi said as she sat down at the table. "Your mother knows."

Shannon's eyes grew wide. "What????" He almost yelled.

"Oh she called me on it the day we got back from L.A when we came to deal with the house. She said she knew you were in love with me and wanted to know if I set you straight." Lexi told him.

"Fucking Christ." Shannon said as he let his head fall into his hands. "What else did she have to say?"

"All she said was she didn't know what went on while Jared was away and she didn't want to know but we'd better get it figured out. You mean she hasn't said anything to you?" 

"No. I can't believe it, but no." Shannon said as he remembered the look she gave him in the hallway that night.

Lexi let out a big sigh. "Well I feel like complete shit. What did Tomo have to say?"

"Not a lot really. He said he understood and he wouldn't tell anyone, not even Vicki." Shannon told her. 

"This is so fucked up." Lexi said near tears. "Jared cannot find out. It would set him back, Shannon. It would kill him."

"I know! I know!" Shannon exclaimed. "I'm sorry about Tomo but he already knew and confronted me, Lexi, and I needed someone to talk to about all of this. I just couldn't keep it inside." 

"Well I hope you feel better now." Lexi said as she got up from the table and slammed her chair in. 

She walked back to the bedroom leaving Shannon sitting alone at the table. 

 

Lexi woke up very early the next morning, barely sun up, to find Jared sitting in a chair by the window.  
"Jared, what are you doing?" Lexi asked.

"Someone's out there." Jared said to her.

"What are you talking about?" Lexi said, barely awake and trying to focus as she sat up in bed.

"I saw them. They're out there." 

"Jared it's probably some fans that saw us yesterday. Sometimes they sneak past the guy at the gate or they bribe them. You know that. Now come back to bed." 

"Maybe it's THEM." he said to her with his eyes wide.

"Who are you talking about?" Lexi asked. 

"You know. THEM! The one's that got me before." Jared said, never taking his eyes off the window. 

"No, Jared it's not. Come back to bed."

Silence. 

"Jared, it's really not them. Trust me, baby. Come back to bed." She patted his side of the bed. 

He turned and looked at her. "You sure?"

"Yes, Jared. I swear it's not them. You're safe here. They aren't ever going to come look for you and I promise that no one will ever take you again. I won't let that happen."

Jared looked at her for a minute, thoughtfully, got up and laid down beside her. "Ok" he said.

She wrapped her arms around him and fell asleep with her head on his chest while Jared laid awake looking over at the window.


	16. Run and Hide

Shannon came out of the home studio to hear Lexi talking on the phone. He started the coffee maker and sat down at the table. After rubbing his eyes he looked up to see Lexi standing before him.

"I found another doctor for Jared and I talked to Dr. Williams, had all his records forwarded to his new doctor. I was really hoping Jared wouldn't need more therapy but we just can't let him go on like this."

Shannon nodded his head in agreement. "The only time he's okay is when he's in the studio with us."

"Yeah, any other time he's pacing and staring out the windows." Lexi said.

Constance poured coffee for the three of them. "Okay, now tell me what's going on." 

One week earlier:

"Jared come to bed. There's no one out there." Lexi said.

"I see them. They're in the bushes over there." Jared pointed out the window. 

"Jared, I've told you before, no one is out there. I looked. Shannon looked. No one is there. We wouldn't lie to you."

"Oh but they're really good at hiding. You know they do this for a living, Lexi. See they kidnap people then they take them far away and put them in this room then they tie them to a pole. You know, like dogs. They put this strap around your ankle." Jared pointed to his ankle that still had scars on it. "Then they tie you to a pole so you can get very far."

Lexi sat straight up in bed. "Yeah? Do they give you anything to sit on?" She decided to play along for a minute to see what he would say.

"A dirty, smelly, stained mattress. You live on it. Eat, sleep, fuck..... you never leave it. They keep you there all the time, but I left and they don't like that so they've come to get me. I can see them out there looking." Jared turned and looked out the window. 

Lexi's mouth hung open until she suddenly jumped up and ran over to Jared. She grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around.  
"Jared! Jared! NO ONE IS OUT THERE!" She yelled at him.

Jared just looked at her and smiled. "Lexi, you have to be quiet or they'll find me."

Lexi slapped Jared, hard, across the face making him jump back in his chair and put his hand to his cheek. "What the fuck was that for, Lexi?"

Lexi was fed up and scared. "Because you aren't going to do this shit, Jared." Lexi said between clenched teeth. "You have come so far and I'm not going to let you regress. There is no one out in the fucking bushes!"

"Um yeah, I know that. What the fuck are you talking about?" Jared looked at her still rubbing his cheek.

"Jared?" 

"What?"

"You don't remember telling me you saw people outside our house?" Lexi asked him.

"No. What the hell are you talking about?" The look on Jared's face told Lexi he wasn't kidding her.

"Oh shit." Lexi said as she sat down on the bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It started the first night in the house and over the past month it had gotten worse and worse. Jared was sure there were people outside trying to get him. Lexi and Shannon never saw anyone outside. They lived in a gated neighborhood. No one could come past the guard posted at the gate unless you gave permission. Almost every night around sun down Jared started getting nervous. He would peer out windows, close the blinds, make sure all the doors and windows were locked. During the day and in the studio he was okay. He was almost normal. If Lexi asked him about his behavior the night before, Jared would tell her he didn't know what she was talking about.

On these nights Jared would peer out the bedroom window and talk to Lexi. This is when she started learning of some of the horrors he endured. He would tell her why they were coming to get him. He would tell her they were coming to get him to sell him. She was horrified by his behavior and after the first week of this she called for Shannon to witness it. 

"That one right there." Jared said. "He's like the leader, you know."  
He had pulled down a slat in the blinds and was peering out. 

"Shannon!" Lexi screamed from the door.

Shannon came running into the room, wide eyed. "What?"

"He's doing it again. You have to hear this." She sat down on the bed.

"Jared, there's no one out there. Come to bed."

"Ssshhhh! They'll hear you then they'll know where I am." Jared told her and turned off the lamp leaving them in darkness. 

Shannon sat cross legged on the bed next to Lexi. "Jared, why do they want you?" He whispered.

"Because I left and they never let anyone go. They get real mad if you leave." Jared answered him, never taking his eyes away from the window.

"Why don't they want you to leave?" Shannon asked.

Jared sat on a chair by the window holding down a slat in the blinds.

"The people they kidnap make them a lot of money so if you run away they are losing money and they get really pissed about that." 

Shannon looked over at Lexi and shook his head. "He won't even remember this tomorrow." Lexi whispered to him. 

"How do the people make them money, Jared?" Shannon asked.

"They sell us to men." Jared said still staring out the window. 

"For what?" he asked. 

Jared turned around, looked Shannon in the eye and said, "To fuck them." 

"Oh God." Lexi and Shannon said at the same time.

 

Lexi gave Constance the edited version of that story. She had flown to L.A the day before when Shannon called her to tell her of Jared's paranoid behavior. 

As the three of them sat around the kitchen table drinking their coffee Constance asked, "So what is it you two aren't telling me?"

"What are you talking about?" Lexi asked. 

"Stop coddling me. I'm not a child and I'm not some frail old women that needs to be sheltered. I'm not stupid. I've been reading up on this. The slave trade in Bangkok. Jared was raped wasn't he?" Constance told them.

Shannon looked down at his placemat and began to trace it with his finger not wanting to look his mother in the eye or say anything to her. How could he tell his mother what happened to Jared? It was unthinkable.

Lexi sighed heavily. "Okay, okay Constance. I'm sorry. We never thought you were stupid or fragile but there are just some things a mother does not need to know. I just......we just didn't want to tell you things you don't need to hear."  
"Lexi, I know. A mother knows these things. I didn't at first but after a while.... after I saw the way he was acting, I knew. I didn't want to come to that conclusion but what else would make a person act that way? Torture? Rape? I learned what goes on over there." Constance took Lexi's hands and squeezed them. "I do thank you for what you were trying to do. I know you had good intentions."  
She let go of Lexi's hands and sat up.  
"So what are we going to do now?"

"We have a doctor, an appointment, and all his records have been transferred over to the new doctor. This paranoia really concerns me because it's new. He was getting better and suddenly this. Maybe it's the move." Lexi shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I don't understand it because he was fine and talking to us. He was acting in the present and talking about the future. He was working on music. He still is." Lexi told her. 

Lexi took Jared to his appointment with the new doctor. He told her something she did not want to hear.

Jared needed in patient counseling.


	17. Clarity

Lexi paced the floor of their room agonizing over what to do about Jared. Why was his paranoia getting worse? He seemed to be getting better. How could this happen? What caused the setback? Was it something she did or didn't do? She didn't want to leave Jared in some hospital. She still had that same nagging feeling that if he was out of her sight he'd disappear again. She knew it was absurd but she couldn't help feeling that way. She felt guilty that Jared was having this setback. 

After a long discussion with Shannon and Constance they decided it was the best thing for Jared at the moment. So after much hesitation on Lexi's part they checked Jared into Cedars-Sinai Hospital. 

"Room's not so bad." Shannon said when he walked inside Jared's hospital room. He stood in the middle of the room looking around. Constance flipped the light on in the bathroom, looked in, checked out the closet.   
"Cozy." is all Constance had to say.   
Everyone was less than thrilled to be dropping Jared off at an in-patient facility. 

Jared stood by the window looking out while Lexi started rubbing the middle of his back.   
"Everything's going to be ok, Jared. You'll see." Lexi was biting back tears not wanting Jared to see how upset she was but he knew.

"I know it is, Lexi." Jared said as he looked around the room at his family. "I know I need to be here and that's ok. If this is what it takes for life to get back to normal for me and my family then I'm fine with it." 

"You're right, Bro. It's all going to be ok." Shannon said while fighting tears. He grabbed his brother and hugged him then walked out.

After a few minutes of hugging and saying goodbye, Constance followed Shannon and stood in the doorway. Shannon finally nudged her and said, "Mom, give them a minute alone.", then he walked out to the car. 

As soon as Constance and Shannon left, Lexi hugged Jared hard.   
"I don't want to leave you here." She was crying.

"Ssshhhh" Jared told her. "It's going to be fine. I promise I won't let them take me. I'm protected here."

Lexi sighed. "I know, Jared, I know."

"Soon, I'll come home and we can get married just like we planned before all this happened." Jared kissed her face then hugged her.

Lexi smiled at Jared. "I know, but let's get you better first." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thirty days. That's how long Jared would be there, tentatively. The doctor told them Jared would be evaluated after thirty days and he could come home only if the doctors felt Jared was well. Hearing this made Lexi's heart sink.   
"It's ok." the doctor reassured her. "We've got a huge success rate with PTSD patients and thirty days is normal although it's not uncommon for them to be here longer. Look, it depends on the patient and how they progress. Everything will be fine. This is the best place for him right now."   
Doctor speak for 'shut the fuck up and go home and let us do our job.' 

Lexi wanted to vomit and the sound of "thirty days or longer". She'd already gone without Jared for a year and she couldn't bear the thought of him away from her for a month. Any longer than that sounded like an eternity.

"Jared's gonna be ok." Shannon said to Lexi that night at the dinner table. He reached across the table, squeezed her hand, and smiled at her in that Shannon way. Lexi smiled back at him. Constance gave them both disapproving looks that neither one noticed.   
"Jared's gonna be ok, you're gonna be ok, we're all gonna be ok, Lexi. Just give it time. I promise you that everything will be ok in the end."  
He turned to look at his mother and his smile faded when he saw her looking at his and Lexi's interlocking hands. He slowly pulled his hand away and looked down at his plate. Lexi looked up at them both just in time to witness what happened. 

"You know I was thinking, maybe I'll stay awhile to help you around the house, Lexi. I don't want you to be lonely here." Constance said.

"Connie, I appreciate that and you are welcome to stay as long as you like but there's nothing to help with and I won't be lonely. Shannon will be here." Lexi told her. 

Connie bristled at that reply. "All the same, I'll stay for a bit while you adjust to Jared not being here." 

Lexi knew exactly why she decided to stay. She wanted to run interference between her and Shannon. She didn't like to be treated like a child and it felt like that was what Constance was doing. She didn't want or need Constance to keep an eye and her and Shannon. 

"That's fine." Lexi said and got up to put her plate in the sink. 

"It's been such a long day I think I'll turn in." Constance said as she got up. "Would you like me to help you with the dishes first, Lexi?"

"No Connie, I've got them. Thanks though. You just go on to bed. I know you're tired. " 

"Good night my son." Constance told Shannon, kissed him on the check and went to the guest room. 

"I'll help." Shannon said as he got up to clear the table. 

When she was sure Constance was gone, Lexi said, "Shannon, you're mother is driving me crazy. I mean, I know she means well and all but she's about to drive me mad."

Lexi popped open a beer from the fridge and held one out to Shannon.

"What do you mean?" Shannon asked but already knew the answer to the question.

"You know exactly why she offered to stay here. I saw that look she gave you. She's afraid of what's going to happen between us if we're alone." Lexi could feel her blood pressure rising. She hates for people to smother her or treat her like a child. She's always dealt with it from Connstance but this time Lexi felt she was just out of line.

"C'mon Lexi, don't worry about it. She's just being mom. She means well." Shannon said carrying plates to the sink.

" I don't care what she means, Shannon. I'm not going to have her babysit us like we're children!" Lexi said a little too loud.

"Ssshhhh!" Shannon told her. "Please don't start a fight with her. You know what she's going through."

Lexi whipped her head around to face him, "What she's......."

Shannon put his hand up to interrupt her. "I know, I know, we're all going through the same thing in our own way but she's his mother."

"Shannon, I understand that but I won't have her policing my actions. I'm an adult and so are you. We've got this under control. We made a mistake and it's done." Lexi turned back to the sink. 

"A mistake." Shannon stated as he loaded the dishes Lexi handed to him.

"Shannon, don't give me that wounded puppy look. We've talked about this. You know what I mean. "

"I know, I know." Shannon said even though the comment still hurt him. 

They finished the dishes in silence and when they were done each went to their own bedrooms to settle down for the night. 

Lexi sat in her room clicking through photos on her computer. Yes, she was definitely going to have a talk with Constance. 

 

The next morning Shannon was up before both of them with coffee brewed. As they were drinking their coffee, Shannon got up, put his cup in the sink and said, "I'm out of here. I've got some things to do. I'll be back later."

"Aren't you going to have some breakfast?" Constance asked. 

"No ma, not right now. I'll pick something up later. I've gotta run." Shannon told her. Before he walked out the door he mouthed the word, "Behave" to Lexi. 

After she heard Shannon's motorcycle off in the distance Lexi said, "Connie, I think we need to talk."

"Sure, honey. What's on your mind?" Constance asked as she began to look for something to cook for breakfast.

Lexi sighed. She knew she had to be diplomatic about this. She'd calmed down from last night and she didn't want to upset Constance to the point of her storming off. 

"Connie, you know I love you, and I know you are trying to help me out around here and I do appreciate it. It's just that I know why you are really staying."  
Constance just looked at her like she didn't have a clue what Lexi was getting at. "What do you mean, sweetheart?"

"Connie, after everything that's happened I'm in no mood for games. I know you want to stay to keep an eye on me and Shannon. There's no need. It's over. "

"Lexi, I'm sorry but I just don't know what to say. I'm shocked. Completely shocked that the both of you would do this to Jared." Constance said shaking her head.

"Connie, it's over. We were lonely, we thought Jared was dead, it's something that just happened. It's hard to explain. Trust me when I say that we are both ashamed and feel horribly guilty over it. It's never going to happen again and Jared will never know about it. We both know what it could do to him. You are always welcome to stay here as long as you like but please just let this be. We are handling it. "

"I hope so. For everyone's sake, I hope so." Constance told her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with the story so far! If you haven't left kudos and comments, please do. They are much appreciated!


	18. Shannon

For the next couple of weeks Shannon spent as much time as he could away from the house. His mother left a week after they put Jared in the hospital. He stayed away so he could get his head together. The combination of losing his baby brother again and his mixed up feelings for Lexi made him want to run away and not come back until Jared was back and his old self again. Although he knew he couldn't do that.

His days had gotten pretty routine. He'd go for a motorcycle ride early in the morning, spend time with Tomo and Matt most of the day, then either come back to the home studio alone or sometimes with Tomo and Matt. He rarely had a chance to be alone with Lexi. He wondered if she noticed he was avoiding her. 

The early mornings when he'd go riding, the wind blowing through him, allowed him to think clearly. It was his favorite escape. The thought of Lexi made his heart ache and the thought of hurting his brother made his heart ache even more. He'd turned every scenario over in his head a million times but the outcome was always the same. He could never have Lexi as his. She belonged to his brother and he loved his brother more than anyone on the face of the earth. He could never hurt Jared. 

He and Jared had always been so close, never spending more than a few days away from each other. No woman had ever come between them and Shannon couldn't let that happen now. Still, how could he possibly live the rest of his life seeing them together? He'd have to find a way.

Sometimes late at night he'd walk past Lexi's room and see her sitting on her bed brushing her long brown hair or rubbing lotion on her legs. She didn't notice when he'd pause and watch her for a moment making him flee to his room, getting in the shower with every intention of making it a cold one but once he got in and lathered up the soap all he could think of was her naked body beneath him. It drove him crazy until he would run his hand down the length of his shaft and dream about being inside her once again. He dreamed of kissing her soft, warm lips, kissing her breasts, licking her while she moaned and writhed beneath him. With the slick soap he'd squeeze and rub the length of his cock over and over until he moaned her name in a whisper as he came. 

Shannon stood under the running shower breathing heavily, his knees shaking, until he could finally wash himself off and get out of the shower. Then he thought of his brother, bringing huge waves of guilt over him. If Jared knew what they had done and what Shannon continued to fantasize about, he'd feel betrayed by the one person who'd always loved him and been there for him. It would crush him. Sometimes that thought alone would make Shannon weep. 

In the mornings, sometimes Lexi would get up early enough to catch Shannon before he left. They'd sit at the table drinking their coffee, eating breakfast, engaging in small talk, but when they'd make eye contact Shannon would quickly turn away, fearful that Lexi could read his thoughts and knew what he did in the shower at night. He was sure his face was flush with shame. Still he wondered, did she ever think of him too? Did she feel the same way about him but, like Shannon, wanted to continue to stay loyal to Jared? Did she fantasize about him they way he did about her? When Shannon started to think of her touching herself while thinking of him he'd quickly snap back to reality and hurriedly run out the door to jump on his bike and leave before he did anything crazy. 

 

On a few occasions he and Tomo would be alone in the home studio and Tomo would ask him about Lexi. 

"So, um , how are things going around here without Jared?" Tomo asked while tuning his guitar.

"Oh, you know. We just deal day to day. I mean, at least we know where he is and that he's there to get better. Still it's hard. We miss him. I miss him, a lot." Shannon said as he absentmindedly played with his drumsticks.

"How's Lexi dealing?" 

"In her way. You know Lexi. She's strong and hopeful. She's excited to have him come back so things can get back to normal."

"But you haven't been here much I've noticed. She ok with you leaving her alone so much?" Tomo tentatively asked not sure how Shannon would react. He'd never really broached the subject of him and Lexi since their talk way before Christmas.

"I supposed she is, Tomo. I don't really know." Shannon answered.

"Don't you think you should ask? I mean she's used to you being there for her. Do you really think it's a good idea to leave her alone all the time?" 

"I don't know, Tomo." Shannon was sounding exasperated. "It's just hard to be here all the time....... around her."

"What? Don't you think it's hard on her to be all alone with Jared in the hospital?" Tomo stopped tuning.

"I guess! I don't know, Tomo! Don't you get it? I just can't. It's just too hard to be here alone with her all the time!" Shannon stood up and began to pace.

"No, Shannon, I don't get it. Why don't you explain it to me?" Tomo looked up at him from the couch.

"I told you. I'm in love with her! It's just too hard to be here and deal with it. I need to get away. I need to just stay away as much as possible 'til Jared gets home. Okay?"

"Do you really think that's the best way to deal with this, Shannon? I mean you two have been friends for so many years. She's counting on you, man. "

"I know she is, Tomo, but I just have to deal with this in my own way."

"Well you'd better fucking deal with it quick, Shannon, because if you don't you're going to destroy a lot of lives not to mention the band!"

Shannon spun around. "The band? Is that what you are worried about? Your job? Well you......."

Tomo put his hand up to interrupt him. "No. I'm not worried about a job. I can get a job. That's not it. I'm worried about you destroying your relationship with your brother, your mom, and everyone around you just because your dick is hard over this girl! This girl, need I remind you, that is your brother's fiance!"

"You don't have to remind me, Tomo! I'm reminded of it every fucking day!" Shannon sat on the couch and let out a huge sigh. "And it's not just about sex." 

"Uh, you two aren't still.......?" Tomo asked.

"No! No, not since a couple of weeks before Jared was found. No, that's long over. She's really in love with Jared. It was all my fault anyway. I started it. I guess. Hell, I don't know. One drunken, depressed night we both just, I don't know, reached out, I guess. I know I should have stopped it after that first time but we were both so damned lost and depressed and.....just.....lonely, I guess." 

"And why didn't you stop it after that?" Tomo asked.

"Loneliness, I suppose. I don't know how to explain it. After a couple of weeks the loneliness got to be too much for either of us to bear. Then after a while I started falling in love with her. She's been my best friend for so long then......" Shannon trailed off.

"Well Shannon, you've definitely got a big problem on your hands. I wish I knew what to tell you to do but you'd better get it figured out quick." Tomo told him.

"That's what I'm trying to do, Tomo." Shannon sighed and looked up at him. "That's what I'm trying to do."


	19. Lexi

The mornings Lexi woke up to find the house empty were more than she'd have liked. While she did value a little time alone, she wasn't thrilled to be stirring around this big house alone all the time. If she woke up early enough to hear Shannon downstairs she'd quickly get up to catch him before he left. Sometimes he'd come home so late she'd already be in bed. 

When she would question Shannon about where he was going he'd say, "Out riding" or "To see Tomo and Matt". Occasionally she'd come home to find Shannon and Matt, or Tomo, in the studio and once in a while they would be in the kitchen making something to eat. 

She and Tomo were not as close as they had once been and she knew why. She hated Tomo treating her with indifference. Not exactly rude but pleasantly polite. They way you'd treat a stranger. It seemed Shannon was giving her the cold shoulder and now he'd alienated Tomo from her as well. 

She knew why Shannon was avoiding her and she couldn't really blame him. What could she do? She couldn't push him. He had to deal with his feelings for her in his own way. She just didn't want their friendship to be totally lost. 

At times she'd see him walk down the hallway to his room. He'd pause and watch her as she sat at her computer, brushed her hair, or put lotion on before she went to bed. Lexi wouldn't look up but she knew he was there watching her, if only briefly. By the time she wanted to look up and talk to him he would be gone. 

Why couldn't things just go back to the way they were before Jared disappeared? She and Shannon were so close. Often the band would come over for poker and it was always a competition between she and Shannon to see who could out bluff the other one, leaving everyone laughing hard when Lexi would call his bluff and he'd be holding nothing.

There were times Jared, Shannon, and Lexi would go horseback riding or watch movies together which almost always resulted in a popcorn fight, usually started by Shannon, and Jared would always be the one to clean up the mess, grumbling as he did it, but hiding a smile, amused at their antics. Amusement parks were the most fun. The three of them riding roller coasters together and seeing who could scream the loudest. Even the grocery shopping was a trio event. The three of them did pretty much everything together. Though there were times Shannon would purposely stay out so she and Jared could be alone together. 

When Jared was away on business or filming a movie, Shannon and Lexi would clean the house together then find some sort of fun to have when they both had time off together. They would both take their cameras out and find new and interesting places to photograph around L.A. They had been so close back then, such good friends. Never was there any hint of an attraction between the two. 

Now things were so fucked up. Lexi was not only depressed about Jared's condition but also because she'd lost her best friend when all was said and done. She didn't know if they would ever recover and get their friendship back on track. If they did, would it ever be the same? Lexi doubted it. 

Lexi spent her days cleaning the house, watching tv, hanging out with Vicki, sometimes Libby, sometimes the three of them going shopping. Alone she'd work on her photography, trying to find places to photograph but it just wasn't the same anymore. She looked for anything to do to fill her time and keep her busy. She even considered taking a class or two at a community college just for fun. 

One night Lexi stayed up longer than usual to wait for Shannon to come home. It was three a.m and Lexi was reading a book in the living room.

"Oh hey." Shannon said as he came in the door taking off his helmet, surprised to see her still up. 

"Hey" Lexi said, closing her book. 

"You're up late." Shannon said as he walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. 

"Yeah, couldn't sleep." Lexi replied.

"Oh." was all Shannon said.

"Shannon........" Lexi began.

"I've got to get to bed. It's been a really long day and I'm beat." Shannon interrupted her.

"Please don't." Lexi told him making him stop in his tracks and turn around to look at her to see her face trembling. She was near tears.

"Okay. What's on your mind?" Shannon sat down on the couch.

"I just want to talk with you for a while. I never see you anymore." 

"Uh yeah, I'm sorry. I've just been real busy with the band stuff and......"

Lexi cut him off. "We get to see Jared this weekend." Tears were forming in her eyes.

"Yeah, I know. I'm really excited about that. I know you are too." Shannon started to get up.

"Shannon......" Lexi breathed through tears now sliding down her cheeks.

"Hey, hey, take it easy. It's going to be ok. I know this time in the hospital is the best thing for Jared. He's going to be ok. You'll see. I bet he'll be back to his old self by the time he comes home." Shannon told her. 

"I know. That's what I'm hoping but it's more than that." Lexi said, her voice wavering.

"What's wrong?" Shannon asked showing genuine concern now.

"You. Me. Us. I know why you're never home. Shannon, I miss you so much." Now Lexi really began to cry. 

Shannon walked over and knelt down in front of the chair she was sitting in and took her hands.

"Oh Lexi, i'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just thought that staying away would help me clear my head. I figured you didn't want me around all the time anyway. You know, with my feelings for you and all. You don't need this to deal with right now." 

"But it's so lonely when you're not here. All I can do is think about Jared and worry about him. Shannon, I miss us. The way things used to be. Remember? Remember the friendship we used to have? We always did stuff together." Lexi babbled on and the tears kept coming.

Shannon took her face in his hands and wiped her tears away. "Lexi, I'm so so sorry I fucked everything up between us. You have to believe me. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt you."

Lexi sighed, grabbed a tissue from the end table and said, "You didn't do it alone, Shannon. I was there too. Don't go blaming yourself entirely for this."

"But I do. I should have stopped it. Hell, I should have never let it get started. Please don't cry. Not over me." Shannon grabbed her hands and kissed them.

"Shannon, we were drunk and grieving and not thinking straight. Not at all. We were so......... I don't know...... out of our minds with grief. I should have stopped it there. I should have never crawled into your bed for comfort just because a stupid storm made me feel lonely." 

Shannon smiled. "You know what's really fucked up? I'm glad you did....in a way. I don't regret it, Lexi. I know I should but I don't. I only regret fucking up our friendship and making you feel bad."

Lexi laughed. "Yeah Shannon, that is pretty fucked up."

Shannon ran his fingers through her hair and sighed. "No more crying. Not over me anyway."

"Just stop avoiding me and leaving me here in this house alone all the time, ok?" Lexi asked. 

"Ok, just let me deal with this though. I do need some space. I have to get my head together before Jared gets back. You know he can sense tension."

"Yeah, he is good at that. Shannon, we can deal with this. We've been such good friends for so long. I know we can. I don't want to trash our friendship. Please?" 

Shannon looked into Lexi's eyes pleading with him and he couldn't say no. He didn't want to stop being friends with her anyway. He just wanted to stop being in love with his brother's finance. That's all he wanted. 

"Ok, Lexi. " Shannon pressed his forehead against hers then pulled her in for a hug. "Ok"

Shannon knew he'd have to find a way to put everything back together.


	20. Home Sweet Home

Jared's first two weeks in the hospital he wasn't allowed any visitors or phone calls. At the beginning of the third week, only the family got to see him. 

Lexi, in tears, leaped into his arms, giving him a huge hug. Shannon was right behind her, and last, his mom. 

During the first visit they only had an hour with him but everyone could tell he was much better right away.

"I'm so happy to see you all!" Jared beamed. His eyes were clear and bright. Something none of them had seen in a long time.

"We're so happy to see you too. " Lexi said.

"Then why are you all crying?" Jared asked, smiling.

They all laughed through their tears and explained how happy they were to not only just see him but also to see how good he looked. Jared explained how well his therapy was going, how great his doctor was, and about how he'd made some great friends in here who'd been through what he had and much worse. 

At the end of that first visit everyone was sad to leave him but happy that he was doing so well. This would mean he would be home by the end of the next week.

Everyone kept busy in anticipation of Jared's homecoming. His mother moved back to L.A. in a house in the same neighborhood, at her insistence. Jared and Shannon told her she could move into the house with them but Constance protested, insisting she wasn't that old yet. 

Shannon was staying home more often and helping out around the house to prepare for Jared's homecoming. Lexi redecorated the bedroom.

"Looks good." Shannon said as he peered into the bedroom one evening. Lexi was smoothing out the bedsheets having just finished the final touches on the room. 

She stood back with her hands on her hips. "Yes, I think it does." She turned around to look at Shannon. "I just wanted it to look different than it did the last time he was here."

"It does. It looks great!" Shannon told her.

"Thanks. I don't know why but I felt like it might help for him to come home to a bedroom that looked completely different. More relaxing. I.....I'm not sure how to explain it but..... just not the same as it did when he......"‚

Shannon cut her off. "I know just what you mean, Lexi. It's ok. I think it looks great and he will love it." He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her in a friendly hug, which she gladly accepted. 

There was the thought of having a welcome home party for Jared but Lexi and Shannon thought a quiet homecoming might be best for now. Gauging how Jared felt when he came home they would see about having everyone else over at another time. 

The day Jared came home everyone was nervous. While he looked great the few times they were allowed to visit him, they were still understandably cautious. The entire way to the hospital Shannon drove so Lexi could chew her fingernails and the entire way back she did the same thing, with Jared admonishing her for it. 

No one was really sure what to do when Jared came in to the house. They offered him lunch, which he gladly accepted. Lexi showed him the newly decorated bedroom, which he proclaimed he loved. 

Jared seemed more like himself than he had in a very long time and while everyone was happy, they weren't exactly sure how to treat him. 

Jared was unpacking while Lexi stood watching him, not really sure what to say or do. 

"Why don't you come over here instead of watching me from the doorway." Jared said. "I'm not really sure where I should put everything."

Lexi quickly walked over to him. "Oh I'm sorry. The dresser is different but everything pretty much goes in the same place."

Jared grabbed her in a hug, surprising her. "I know. I just wanted to get you over here."

Lexi smiled wide. "Oh really? So this was a trap?"

"Yes." He chuckled. "Everyone wants to treat me with kid gloves right now but I'm great, really. I just wanted to get you alone for a minute if that's ok." Jared planted a kiss on cheek.

"Jared, that is more than ok." She kissed him full on the lips. "Mmmmh, you have no idea how much I missed that."

"Oh yes I do. Really. I do." Jared wrapped his arms around her in a big hug. It was the first hug he'd initiated in a very long time. Lexi smiled up at him as he told her, "It's ok, Lexi. Really. I'm not scared to be touched now." 

"Jared." Lexi breathed through tears. "You're like....... like....my old Jared again." 

Jared laughed. "I know. It's ok." He patted her back. 

She pulled away briefly and said, "God, I want so much more but Shannon really needs to see you alone. You two have so much to catch up on. "

Jared smiled warmly at her. "Yeah I know. I can't wait to be alone with you but I do need to see Shannon and mom and talk to them for a bit. " He kissed her on the nose. That was something he used to do long ago. 

It made tears form in her eyes. "Sssshh, don't baby. We have plenty of time to catch up on all of that." He told her. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner time arrived and Jared insisted on helping with the cooking. This surprised everyone but they welcomed him.

As they sat down to eat Jared dominated the conversation which took everyone by surprise yet again. 

"I just don't want everyone to continue to worry about me because I'm ok. Really. I'm going to be ok. Our counselor was great and we had group therapy with PTSD survivors plus one on one counseling when we needed it. They talked to us about everything including how to deal with family plus being out with strangers so you don't have to worry. They even took us out into the public often to help us deal. Can you believe no one recognized me?" Jared laughed.

"Probably because you were wearing some kind of furry cap as a disguise." Shannon said.

"Yeah, something like that." Jared smiled as he said it. 

"And I bet you were just a little disappointed." Shannon said, smiling. 

"Actually no. I really wasn't. I wasn't ready to deal with that kind of attention. I'm not really sure I am now. I know if it happened I could deal with it without freaking out but I don't want to jump out there just yet. I want to relax at home for a little while. I want to talk about the tour, I want to write music. Just take a little time with my family before I deal with the celebrity craziness again." Jared smiled and grabbed Lexi's hand. 

Lexi smiled back and him and noticed that Shannon smiled at them both instead of giving them that 'lost Shannon' look he'd given them before. Maybe Shannon was finally coming to terms with everything. 

After dinner Constance helped Lexi clean up then left. Lexi decided to retire to the bedroom, giving Jared and Shannon some 'brother time' to let them catch up.

Shannon grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and asked Jared if he wanted one. When Jared refused Shannon sat down on the couch in the living room.

"So, how are you?" Jared asked.

"Me? I'm great." Shannon replied looking at Jared but not exactly sure what to say.

"I know it's been a while since I've asked you that. I really want to know how you are. How are you dealing? What have you been up to?"  
Jared sat down next to Shannon.

Shannon let out a big sigh. "I'm great now that your back and doing better. That's easy to deal with. It's been the past year and a half that's been hard." Shannon took a sip of his beer. "What have I been up to? Well, this and that. Just keeping busy. You know."

"Not really. I haven't been here. Even when I was here I wasn't really here." Jared said.

"I don't know. Just working. I did some construction, photography gigs, that sort of thing. Anything to keep busy." Shannon started fidgeting with his bottle. 

"Shannon relax. I'm not interrogating you. I'm just curious about what when on while I was gone."

Shannon jerked his head up. "What do you mean?"

Jared laughed. "Shannon, I was gone for a very long time. Not just in the hospital but you know, away. Even when I was here I wasn't myself. I wasn't exactly aware of my surroundings for the most part. Some things I remember very clearly but there's a lot that seems like a dream. Like I was in a fog of some kind."

"Yeah, I can imagine." Shannon went back to fidgeting with the bottle then turned to face Jared and said, "Jared, there were bills to pay. I had to do what I could to pay them. I did some construction, a little photography, I even did a couple of small acting gigs."

Jared smiled. "Acting? Really?" He laughed. "Good for you. I've always thought you were a better actor than you gave yourself credit for."

Shannon laughed and rolled his eyes. "Please. I hate it and you know it. I only did it because Lexi heard of a couple of bit parts and told me I should go for it. I figured it was money coming in so what the hell."

"Shannon, you've always been resourceful, doing what you have to do. It's what we did when we were kids. When we first came to L.A. I'm glad you did it."

"Eh, it's easier than construction. " 

They both laughed.

"What about Lexi?" Jared asked. 

Shannon straightened. "Lexi? Lexi's great. She's happy you're back. Well happy is an understatement. You know that. What do you want to know?" 

"Come on. How was she? Out of all this I still feel bad for what I put her through. God knows I've put her through enough all these years. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to go through all this because of me. I know I'm not supposed to feel guilty because it's not my fault but it's so hard not to when it comes to her. I've put her through hell and she doesn't deserve it. Sometimes I wonder if this wasn't some kind of fucked up karma. Y'know, payback for all those years of cheating on Lexi." Jared sighed and looked close to tears.

Shannon put his hand on Jared's arm. " No, Jared. Not this. This wasn't karma. This was just fucked up. You didn't do anything to bring this on. And Lexi? Lexi loves you. She'd walk through fire for you. The whole time you were missing she never gave up looking for you. Through it all she's never given up on you and never complained about doing it. She's a strong person. She came through it fine."

"Did you take care of her for me?" Jared asked. 

Shannon cleared his throat. "We took care of each other. We leaned on each other for support and we got through it. Jared, we're both fine. I promise you, she's fine."

"I knew you would. Thank god you were there for each other." Jared ran his fingers through his hair. "You two always had a bond. I'm so glad you were there for each other. Thank you for taking care of her."  
He reached over and gave Shannon a long hug.

"You're my brother, Jared. It's what I had to do." Shannon choked back tears as he hugged him.

Lexi could hear them talking but couldn't hear what they were saying to each other. She was almost asleep when Jared finally came to bed. 

She almost jerked awake when Jared slid under the covers and wrapped his arms around her. "Hey" 

"Hey you." Jared snuggled up against her nuzzling his nose in her hair and breathing in deep. "There's something I've missed. Your smell."

Lexi chuckled. "You know how long it's been since you've done that?" She rolled over and faced him.

"Yep." 

Lexi ran her hands through his hair. "My Jared. God, I've missed you so much." She kissed him and pulled back. 

Jared pulled her back over to him and said, "You know I'm not afraid of intimacy anymore." Then he kissed her fully and passionately like he hadn't done in a very long time.


	21. Stronger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning: Descriptions of rape and torture in this chapter.

A week later, the entire band was in the studio talking about the tour. Lexi was happy because it looked like it was finally going to happen. 

"Dude are you serious?" Tomo said, surprised. "Are you really ready to start planning the tour?"

"Yes, Tomo. I am. I'm fine. I've had a month of intense therapy and I feel great!" Jared told him.

Tomo looked over at Shannon who said, "You heard him. He's fine." 

"Tomo, I swear, I'm fine. I feel like a normal person again. I'm not afraid of people, I'm not afraid of being touched, no more paranoia, no more people hiding in the yard." Jared laughed. "Really, I'm so ready to get back to my life."

"That's great man. Welcome back. I'm so happy for you. Hell, I'm happy for us! I'm happy to get the band back on track!"

"Yeah, me too." Jared said. 

"Oh man, I'm sorry...... I didn't mean....." Tomo stammered.

Jared held his hand up. "It's ok, Tomo. I know what you mean. Don't worry about it. It's ok, really."

Jared gave Tomo a big hug which made Tomo tear up.

"Oh don't you start crying on me, man." Jared told him then clapped his hands together. "Come on, lets talk about this tour!"

 

Matt showed up the next day equally surprised at Jared's remarkable recovery. 

For the next couple of days Lexi listened to the practice and planning. She silently thanked God for letting this happen. This was something that just a year ago she'd come close to losing all hope of happening again. 

Vicki and Libby came in and out of the house for the next couple of weeks. Everyone was having a great time. It was just as things had been before Jared disappeared. 

One night as they went to bed Lexi said to Jared, "Jared, now that you are ok....that things are.... better....uh, back to normal I suppose.... I, well.... can you tell me......."

Jared interrupted her, "You want to know what happened to me." 

"Well yes, I do, but if you don't want to talk about it it's ok. I mean I know it was pretty horrible and I don't want to bring up bad memories......"

"Lexi, I've talked about it so much in therapy that I'm almost ashamed I've never talked to you about it before." Jared smiled at her and held her hand. "I guess I've been trying to protect you."

"Well I know it's hard to talk about. I can see how it would be harder to talk about with people you are close to."

"Exactly. That's why I couldn't talk to you about it before, or even my own brother. I felt ashamed. I felt dirty. Now..... now I know it's not my fault. It's something that happened to me, that I couldn't stop and I've moved beyond it..... or i'm trying to. I met people in group therapy that something similar happened 20 years ago and they are still trying to move on."

"Oh my God!" Lexi exclaimed.

"No no, not exactly like that. I mean not like what I went through when I first got home. You just.....acknowledge that it was something that happened beyond your control but you move on with life. It still takes therapy. I'm still going to go to therapy and the group meetings." He told her.

"Jared, that's not a problem if that's what you need to do. I'm all for it." 

"Do you still want to know what happened? Because I will tell you but you better be sure you want to know." Jared cautioned her. "I remember most of it now. In vivid detail. I wish I didn't but I do."

"It was something that happened to you and I want to know about it." Lexi told him.

"Lexi, I don't mind talking about it now. I've done it so many times that it's like therapy for me. I know you and Shannon would never judge me for it so i'm not afraid. I've met people who's family couldn't deal with it and they were rejected but I know that wouldn't happen here."

"Oh no, Jared. That would never happen with me or Shannon or your mom. Even the band wouldn't reject you. You know that." 

"I know. That's why I don't mind telling you or Shannon. I'm not sure I want my mom knowing the details, and the band...... well, I just think that may be at a far later date, if ever." Jared looked down at the comforter. "I just think it might make them uncomfortable around me."

"Jared, you don't have to tell anyone you don't want to." Lexi told him.

Jared let out a big sigh then said, "Ok so when we were in the casino that night I left to get my eye drops. Right before I got to my room, someone grabbed me from behind and I blacked out. I'm guessing they used chloroform or something to knock me out because I didn't wake up until I was in Bangkok. I have no idea how I got there. I woke up in this filthy room with a few other people. There was a dirty mattress next to me and I noticed that I was tied to a pole. My leg was anyway. With a leather strap. I couldn't go any more than 10 feet away from it. There was a hole in the floor we could all reach that was used for a toilet. I was groggy, I had the worst headache of my life and I was feeling very sick. Then sometime later these men came in speaking a language I didn't know. I didn't even know what country I was in until a couple of days later when one of the other people in the room told me." 

Lexi sat wide eyed hanging on every word.

"Then at some point this man came in speaking very broken english telling us why we were there. I don't know how much time had passed because they were giving me drugs to keep me sedated. I'm guessing so I wouldn't fight. He told us that we were there to make him money. Our families were gone and we were never going to see them again. I was immediately afraid because I didn't know if they had you and Shannon too. I was afraid but so weak from the drugs and throwing up. They barely fed us."

Jared took a deep breath.

"Then a couple of days later it started happening..... the reason why we were there. The way he told us we were making him money."

Lexi just sat there looking at him, waiting for him to say it. 

"He started bringing in men to have sex with us." Jared looked down. He took a deep breath and kept going. "Thankfully, he kept us high. He was giving us heroin. It was like a dream.......or a nightmare. At first I didn't realize it was heroin but I quickly figured out what it was. Some men came in once or twice a day and stuck a needle in my arm, and the others. He wanted to keep us complacent and keep us addicted. Any time I sobered up I fought. I tried to get out of the strap. When I did I was beaten. I was starved. In between, more men came."

Lexi sucked in her breath and put her hand to her mouth. "Oh my God, Jared. The doctors told me you were raped and beaten but to hear you say it......."

Jared took her hands and said, "Do you want me to stop?"

"No. No, Jared. We've shared everything in our lives so far. No, keep going."

"So this went on. The more I fought, the more they beat me, withheld food, and the heroin until I was so sick I couldn't stand. I once got through the strap and almost made it through a window but they caught me and cut my feet so badly that I couldn't stand on them for 2 weeks."

"So that's why you couldn't walk well when we found you." 

"Yeah and when the drugs wore off I got pretty mouthy and that's how I ended up with the cut on my face. That happened within the first two weeks. After a while I lost all track of time. I was so weak from the drugs they were feeding me and the little amount of food they gave me. Gave us. I often wonder about the others that were in the room with me and how they are now." Jared said thoughtfully as he momentarily stared off into space.

"I had no idea they were giving you heroin. The doctors had to have done blood work on you and they would have found it."

"They stopped at some point because we were so weak and beaten down there was no fight left. They started giving it to us less and less. I think it was so we wouldn't go through horrible withdrawal because then we couldn't be with the customers." Jared stared down at the patterns on the comforter.

"When I came to pick you up at that police station there were 4 girls and 2 guys there too, I believe. I wasn't really paying attention to them. I barely recognized you and you had no idea who I was. You were so scared." Lexi told him. 

"I don't even remember that very much. The first few months I was home I was still in a daze. At the time I didn't know where I was because we weren't in our house. I wasn't sure if I was just brought to another place. I'd shut my mind down for so long it was hard to turn it back on again. I was sick, weak, I hurt all over, didn't know where my family was, wasn't sure if you and Shannon were dead or not. I stopped trying to get away because I thought they were going to kill me. They kept us doped up and fed us very little. Without nourishment your mind doesn't work like it should then add the drugs on top of that. After a few months I realized this was my life so I just shut down. I zoned out and went somewhere else inside my head. I tuned out the men and what was being done to me. I felt like less of a man. I started hoping I'd just die." Jared paused for a minute lost in his thoughts, tears started to form in his eyes, then he said, "It's all like this big nightmare that I can't believe really happened. After a while, time just stopped. One day blended into another. I stopped believing anyone was coming for me, it had been so long. Day after day, the men, the beatings, so hungry........" Jared flipped his hair out of his eyes and smiled at her. "Hey, did I ever say 'thank you' for coming to get me?"

Lexi managed a small chuckle, "No you didn't but it's not necessary. I wasn't giving up until I found you, until I found some answers.

Jared leaned over and kissed her lips. "Thank you".


	22. Life Goes On

Three months later the air was turning cold again. This year Jared was in a much better mood than the last. He was even helping Lexi decorate. In the past, he would dress up if the band happened to be playing on the night of Halloween but other than that the holiday wasn't a big deal to him. He was more of a summer person. As long as he and Lexi had been together, he sat back and let her have her big holiday. 

"Hand me that tape, Jared." Lexi said from the step ladder. Jared tore off a strip of tape and handed it to Lexi.

"Looks good. I've never seen bat garland before." He handed her more tape.

"Well then I guess you haven't seen......" Lexi stepped off the ladder and put her hand out, catching the door frame to keep herself from falling.  
"Whoa, I got dizzy for a minute there." 

Jared put his arm around her. "Come on and sit down." 

"I'm fine, Jared, I just got dizzy. Actually I've felt funky for a couple of days. I think I'm getting the flu or something." Lexi told him. 

"Well then you need to go to bed. Let me get the thermometer and see if you have a temperature." Jared told her running off to the bathroom.

"Jared, don't make a fuss!" Lexi called after him.

Jared came back into the room with the thermometer. "Yeah right, here take this." 

Lexi put the thermometer under her tongue and in a minute it beeped. 

"No fever. That's a good thing." Jared said to her. "Still I think you need to get to bed."

"Jared, you know I hate that." Lexi moaned.

"Don't argue. Let's go." Jared pulled Lexi from the couch and tucked her into bed. "Anything else I can get you?"

"No." Lexi sulked. She was tired and a little nauseous but over all she didn't feel that bad. Certainly not bad enough to be confined to the bed.

"Ok, I'm going to go make some phone calls and I'll be back in a little while to check on you." He kissed her head and left the room.

Lexi sat back and sighed. "God this is boring." She thought to herself. She sat there staring at the ceiling and drumming her fingers. "Ah ha!" She said aloud. 

She got her phone out and texted Vicki.

-Hey, what are you doing?

-I'm out shopping with Ivana. What's up?

-Ugh, I'm not feeling good so Jared confined me to the bed and I'm so bored.

-Sorry babe. I'll call you later, ok?

-Ok have fun!

 

Lexi tossed her phone back on the night stand. "Damn" She hated being stuck in the bed and bored. She gave up and decided to try and get some sleep.

In the studio Jared saw Shannon strumming his acoustic guitar. "Hey." Shannon said as he looked up at him. 

"Well bro, we are almost ready to start our tour in March. I just have a few more things to take care of." 

"That's the best news I've heard all day." Shannon said to him. "What time is it? I'm starving."

"It's 5 o'clock. I'll go see what I can whip up." Jared stood to leave.

"Where's Lexi?" Shannon asked. 

"In bed. She's not feeling well. She got really dizzy on the step ladder and almost fell."

Shannon stopped strumming and looked up. "Really? Is she ok?"

"Yeah, she doesn't have a fever but I made her go to bed anyway. She hasn't felt well the past couple of days."

"Oh, she didn't say anything." 

"She didn't say anything to me either but you know Lexi. She won't. She hates being sick and confined to the bed which is exactly where I sent her. I'm sure she's not happy right about now." Jared laughed. "It feels really good to be taking care of her for a change."

Shannon smiled at him.

"You both did such a great job of taking care of me that I'm glad to be helping out now." 

Shannon put down the guitar. "Brother, it's what we had to do and we didn't mind. I'm just glad to have you back to your old self again."

"I'm really glad you were here for her while I was gone. I'm glad you took care of her for me." Jared took in a deep breath and continued. "And I'm just glad to be back and taking care of her again."

Shannon felt a stab in his gut. "Jared, she's family. I was happy to do it. It brought us closer together."

"I know." Jared smiled at Shannon and left the room.

"Huh, weird." Shannon said to himself. It left him wondering what Jared meant by that. He shook his thoughts away. 

He picked his guitar back up and began playing again.

 

Jared looked in on Lexi and found she wasn't in the bed but in the bathroom. 

"Lex, you ok in there?" Jared softly knocked. He heard the toilet flush and backed away from the door.

"Ugh, I guess I picked up a stomach bug." Lexi rubbed her stomach.

"Aw baby, I'm sorry." Jared hugged her and rubbed her back. "Have we got anything for that?"

"I just took some Pepto. I'll be ok." 

Jared brushed her hair out of her eyes. "Anything else?"

Lexi laughed, "You're so cute taking care of me. Really, don't make a fuss. It's probably a 24 hour thing."

"It's time I took care of you for a change." He kissed her forehead and said, "Ok, I'm going to go make dinner. I'll check on you later and see if you are up to eating." 

"Ugh, don't mention food!" Lexi leaned against his chest.

"Sorry baby. Now get back in bed." Jared ushered her over to the bed and tucked her in. "Get some sleep."

In the kitchen Jared saw Shannon staring into the refrigerator. "What do you think about tacos for dinner?" Shannon said as he heard Jared approaching.

"Sounds good. Lexi won't be joining us. She thinks she's got the stomach flu."  
Jared told him.

"Ew. Poor girl." Shannon replied.

"I know." Jared smiled as he pulled out his Blackberry and dialed a number. 

"Tomo? What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Playing Black Ops on the Xbox. What's up?" Tomo said.

"You want to come over for dinner? We're making tacos." 

"Oh that sounds really good. Vicki's out shopping with Ivana. Give me 30 minutes." 

"Cool. See you then." 

In the bedroom Lexi suddenly woke up out of a sound sleep. She sat up and turned on the lamp. "Oh shit." She said aloud. She grabbed her purse from the chair and pulled out her calendar. Once she looked it over she grabbed her phone and dialed Vicki's number.

"Vicki? Are you still out shopping?"

"Yeah we are about to leave. What's up?"

"Do me a favor. Stop by the drugstore and get me a pregnancy test."

"SERIOUSLY?" Vicki half yelled into the phone.

"SShhhh. Yes, but don't tell anyone. Get it and bring it over here as soon as you can. I'll tell you everything when you get here."

Lexi ended the call and put her phone on the night stand. Running her fingers through her hair she sat back in the bed and let out a loud sigh.


	23. This Is A Test

Vicki breezed into the house and briefly said hello to the boys. 

"Whoa hey, what's up?" Jared said.

"Nothing, just coming to see Lexi." Vicki said as she tried to edge her way down the hall.

"What have you got?" Jared pointed to the bag in Vicki's hand. 

"Oh just some stuff Lexi asked me to pick up while I was out." She turned and practically sprinted down the hallway.

The men merely looked at each other knowingly as if to silently say, "Women!"

"Hey!" she said as she closed the door behind her and tossed the bag on to the bed. "Jared almost busted me. He asked me about the bag. I just told him you asked me to pick something up for you. So he doesn't know?"

"No Vicki, no one does but you. In fact it had just dawned on me that I might be pregnant right before I called you." Lexi told her getting out of bed.

She tore the bag open and said, "I haven't felt good for the last couple of days and I got dizzy earlier and almost fell off a ladder. Jared put me in bed then I started getting really nauseous and got sick. I thought it was the stomach flu but it hit me. When was my last period? I looked at my calendar and it was month before last. I totally spaced it. There's been so much going on, I didn't realize. Then I called you."

"Oh wow! This is so exciting! Go take that test!" Vicki told her.

"Ok, but if Jared comes in here don't you say a word. Tell him I'm puking again." 

Lexi stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Could she really be pregnant? Well it was certainly possible. Was she ready for this? Was Jared? Would such a life changing event set him back? No, Lexi thought to herself. No, Jared was back to normal. He was strong. He was still going to his therapy but Lexi still worried about him. 

Lexi came out of the bathroom and looked at Vicki who looked at her questioningly. 

"It takes 5 minutes." 

"Oh" Vicki's shoulders slumped. 

Lexi walked over and sat on the bed next to her.

"I take it this wasn't planned." Vicki said.

"Uh no. Not at all. I mean we talked about kids but not yet. We were waiting to try until after the tour was over. I mean I'm not getting any younger. I'm 32. I don't want to wait any longer but I was planning on waiting another year. We were going to get married after the tour then I was going to try to get pregnant. That was the plan all along. We briefly discussed it when we were in Vegas." Lexi told her. 

"It will be ok not matter the outcome." Vicki grabbed Lexi's hands. "They don't even go on tour for what? Four, five months? I'll be here with you. Constance will be here. You'll be ok." 

"I know. I know. Let's wait until I know for sure before I start freaking out." Lexi laughed. 

Vicki started giggling. 

"What?" Lexi asked. 

"I guess Jared's over his intimacy issues." 

"Oh yeah is he ever! That hospital stay did wonders for him. I mean it took a while but he got over it." Lexi started laughing with her.

"Good for you!" Vicki said putting her arm around Lexi's shoulder and squeezing her tight. "Really. You guys had a lot to catch up on. I can just imagine if I went over a year without sex..... well no, actually I can't." Vicki laughed.

Lexi bit her bottom lip. "Yeah, it wasn't so much the sex that I missed but Jared. I missed his voice, his laugh, the way he smelled, the way he felt...... everything." She felt the beginning of tears stinging her eyes and she shook her head. "Then there was just not knowing."

"Oh shit, Lexi. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad." Vicki hugged her.

"No, no you didn't. Don't worry. I'm really happy right now." She didn't have the nerve to tell Vicki, who was the closest she had to a female best friend, that she didn't go without sex. She had no idea how Vicki would react but the less people that knew the better.  
"Five minutes. Time for the moment of truth." She got up and went to the bathroom to retrieve the test out of the medicine cabinet where she hid it just in case Jared came in. 

She came out and stood leaning against the doorway staring at it.

"Vicki, I'm pregnant." She flatly stated. 

Vicki squealed, jumped off the bed and hugged Lexi. Lexi just stood there staring at the stick.

"Are you ok?" 

"Yeah I'm ok. I'm just...... stunned."

"You sure? You want it right?" Vicki crossed her arms and stood there.

"Oh yes, yes I do. I can be surprised can't I? It's going to take me a little while to get used to the idea." Lexi told her.

"Of course hon. When are you going to tell Jared?" Vicki asked.

"I don't know. Soon. Hell, he's being so nice waiting on me, thinking I'm sick. Maybe I'll take advantage of it for another day or two." Lexi giggled.

"Oh you won't be able to hold out that long." Vicki said.

"Yeah you're right. I'll tell him soon though. Tonight I guess."

"He's going to be ecstatic!" Vicki said.

"Oh I know. He will be after the shock wears off anyway. He won't be expecting this either."

"Oh and Shannon's going to be so excited to be an uncle! I can't wait for you to tell them!" Vicki was bouncing up and down like she always did when she got really excited about something.

Shannon. She hadn't even thought about how this would affect Shannon. This was something she did not want to deal with. Shannon was doing a lot better since Jared was back. He was getting back to his old self again just like Jared was. Those two had always had a twin-like bond. They'd spent every moment they could together in the past three months and Lexi was glad to see that. All she wanted, more than anything, was to have everything back to normal again. The way it was before Jared disappeared. The brothers spent a lot of time getting to know each other again and Lexi never objected to that. The moments she saw Shannon giving her that lost, lovesick look were getting fewer and fewer. She was glad for that. 

"...... and I can't wait to go shopping for baby clothes." she heard Vicki saying. "Lexi? Are you listening to me?"

"What? Yes. Uh, sorry. Just lost in my thoughts."

"Ok, you need time to process this. I'll take Tomo home with me and you can be alone with Jared. Whether you tell him tonight or tomorrow you do it when you are ready." Vicki hugged her.

Lexi walked into the kitchen with her and saw the men sitting around the kitchen table talking and laughing. Seeing Jared laughing with the guys again would never get old and she'd never take that for granted again. The sound of Jared's laugh was the best music she could ever hear.

"Well well, guess who's back among the living." Tomo said as he saw Lexi behind Vicki.

" Hey Tomo." Lexi smiled.

"You ok, baby?" Jared stood up and went to her.

"I'm fine, Jared." He wrapped his arms around her.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"Oh, I'm going to be ok." 

Vicki giggled and Lexi shot her a look.

"Ok, Tomo we need to go." 

Tomo gave her a puzzled look. "We were going to practice for a little while. I've got my car."

Vicki looked over at Lexi who nodded. "Ok, but don't stay out too late."

"Um Ok dear, I won't." Tomo said and looked over at Shannon shrugging his shoulders. 

"You guys do what you need to. I'm going back to bed. Good night all. " Lexi waved.

"Night, Lex. I hope you feel better soon." Tomo called after her. 

Vicki giggled again making Tomo give her a questioning look. 

Jared kissed Lexi one more time. "I won't stay up late baby. I'll be in soon." 

"Take all the time you need, Jared. I'm going to be fine." Lexi told him. 

 

Lexi went back to bed but she couldn't sleep. All she could think about was telling Jared, how much their life was going to change, and she wondered how Shannon would take the news. She laid there rubbing her hand across her stomach thinking about how Jared would react to a baby, whether she wanted a boy or a girl. Finally she got up and went to her computer.

An hour and a half later Jared came in and found Lexi sitting at her computer.

"What are you doing?" Jared said from the doorway startling Lexi.

"Oh sorry. I couldn't sleep."

Jared laughed. "I didn't mean to scare you. You should be in bed you know."

"You coming to bed?" Lexi asked him.

"Yes. Shannon and Tomo went out somewhere. I wanted to check and see how you were doing."

"Oh I'm fine, Jared." Lexi pushed back from the desk and stretched.

"Ok, give me a minute." Jared went to the bathroom and washed up. He came out of the bathroom to see Lexi sitting on the bed.

"You should be lying down." Jared told her.

Lexi let out a short laugh. "Jared I don't need to. I'm not sick."

"What do you mean?" 

"Come on. Come sit next to me. You're going to need to sit down. Trust me." Lexi patted the bed beside her.

"Oh? What's going on?" Jared said, looking clueless but worried.

Lexi took in a deep breath and let it out.

"Jared I'm not sick. I'm pregnant."

Jared sat there staring at her unblinking for a full minute.

"Wha?" He struggled to say.

Lexi chuckled. "I said, I'm pregnant!"

Jared sat there wide eyed for a moment then broke out into a huge grin.

"REALLY?" He half shouted.

"Yes, really."

"OH MY GOD! This is great news!" He gathered Lexi in his arms and hugged her tight.

"But I thought we were being careful. I mean...when...how....?"

"How? The usual way, Jared." Lexi laughed.

Jared looked down and shook the cobwebs from his mind. "No I mean I thought we were using birth control."

"Uh yeah but nothing is foolproof and come on lets be realistic, ever since you.....um got better....... well we've been..... uh, making up for lost time these past couple of months. We've been playing Russian roulette. It was bound to happen sooner or later when you think about it." Lexi smiled at him.

Jared laughed. "Yeah I guess we've been having a lot of sex." 

"That's putting it mildly." Lexi said and leaned over and kissed him. "You ok with this? I know we weren't planning on it this soon."

"Are you kidding me? I couldn't be happier! Are you ok with it?" 

"Yes, I am. I'm just still in shock. I just didn't expect it this soon, that's all. What about the tour? I'll be big as a house while you are on tour." Lexi said.

"We'll postpone it." 

"No way, Jared. You are going on tour just as planned. You aren't canceling anything." Lexi told him.

"Well then we'll shift some dates around. It's early, we can still do that. I can put more time between shows so I can be here more, in the later months especially." Jared put his arm around her shoulders. "I won't let you go through this alone."

"I know you won't. Plus your mother will practically move in with me and Vicki and Libby will be around. I'll be fine." 

"I know you will, Lex. You are a strong woman. You can get through anything. You've more than proven that." Jared said.

"True." Lexi said and yawned. "Let's get some sleep because we've got a long next couple of days ahead of us telling everybody." 

Jared perked up. "Oh yeah. I can't wait. Shannon's gonna be so excited to be an uncle! I can't wait to tell him!"

Lexi settled into bed and sighed. She was almost dreading telling Shannon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all my readers who are sticking with this. I still enjoy reading your feedback very much.


	24. The Truth and the Reality

Lexi woke up early the next morning to find Jared's side of the bed cold. She wandered into the kitchen to find Jared cooking breakfast.

"Hey babe, you hungry? I was going to bring you breakfast in bed." Jared gathered her in his arms.

"That's sweet of you." She kissed his cheek. "Actually I am hungry, it smells good but I'll eat here at the table. I'm tired of being in the bed."

"Ok, just don't over do it." Jared said as he turned back to cooking breakfast.

Lexi sat down at the table and said, "Ok but as long as YOU don't over do it! You can't treat me like I'll break. I mean I'm pr......"

Lexi was cut off by the sound of Shannon talking and a girl giggling as they came down the hallway.

"Good morning" Lexi said to Shannon as she sipped her coffee, smiling over her cup.

"Morning" Shannon said. "Uh, this is......" 

He turned to look at the girl who said, "Brittany". She had her arms wrapped around Shannon.

"Uh, we were just leaving." Shannon said with a sheepish grin. He grabbed his keys and quickly ushered the girl out the door.

"Bye it was nice meeting you!" Brittany called out and as they were walking out the door they heard her say,"But I wanted to meet your brother! You told me last night I could meet him!"

Lexi burst out laughing as soon as the door closed.

"Well I guess he and Tomo had fun last night." Jared said with a laugh.

"I guess they did." Lexi laughed. 

"Well good for him." Jared said. "He needed to get out and have some fun although I'm not happy he brought a stranger into our house."

"Oh Jared he needed to blow off some steam. Give him a break." Lexi said.

"You mean he needed to get laid!" Jared laughed. "Hell, when was the last time you saw him go out?"

"I can't remember."

"Did he even date while I was gone? Did he ever go out?" Jared asked.

Lexi sat her coffee down. "No not at all. He stayed here. I think he was afraid to leave me alone. He, well we, wallowed in despair for a long time." Lexi stared down into her cup.

"Hhmmm, well then I guess it's time he got out and back into the swing of things."   
Jared said.

"Yeah you mean back to being a man whore." Lexi smirked at him. 

"Hey, I'd prefer he settled down too but Shannon is who he is and we can't change that." Jared replied.

Lexi sighed. "Yeah I know."

"I just hope he meets someone as wonderful as you to make him change." Jared winked at her.

Lexi smiled at him and got up to outside. She lit a cigarette and sighed heavily running her fingers through her hair. She wondered exactly what brought this on with Shannon. Was this his way of dealing with things? 

The sound of the sliding glass door broke her from her thoughts.

"You ARE quitting soon, right?" Jared said as he poked his head out. 

"Yes daddy." Lexi replied back, winking at him. 

"Daddy. Hmmmm, I think I like the sound of that." Jared beamed. "Although right now I'm thinking I like the way YOU say it." Jared raised his eyebrows at her.

"Oh you're just sick!" Lexi laughed. 

"Yes ma'am!" Jared said as he popped back inside. 

 

Lexi was cleaning up the breakfast dishes when Shannon came through the door. She turned to look at him when he opened the cabinet for a cup. She was trying to suppress a grin. Shannon caught her out of the corner of his eye.

"Shut up." He said as he poured his coffee.

"I didn't say a word." Lexi said smiling as she continued to load the dishwasher.

"Uh huh" Shannon said as he left the room.

He walked into the studio to find Jared sitting at the piano.

"So how was your night?" Jared asked, smiling.

"Oh don't you start." Shannon said, turning on the computer and picking up a stack of papers.

"Oh come on. I'm glad you're getting back out there."

"Shut up." 

Jared started laughing. "Ok Ok. Change of subject."

"Good." Shannon replied not looking up.

"I've got some good news." Jared said with a wide grin that Shannon didn't notice.

"Oh yeah? What's that." Shannon said still rifling through papers.

"Lexi's pregnant."

Shannon looked up with a jerk letting the papers fall from his hands.

"What?"

"You heard me." Jared said, grinning.

"Oh my god." Was all Shannon could think of to say. He just stood there blinking at Jared. A million thoughts started racing through his head but he couldn't grab on to one. 

"Is that all you're going to say?" Jared asked snapping Shannon out of his thoughts.

"Uh no. Hey, I'm really happy for you guys." He forgot about the papers on the floor and walked over to his brother and hugged him tight. "Congratulations man, that's good news." 

"She just found out last night and no one else knows so don't tell ma, let me do it." Jared said.

"Oh I won't. So.... uh, what does this mean for the tour?" 

"Not much other than shuffling some dates around to give me time to come home often to be with her. I have to make some phone calls and get it all figured out. Hey, you're going to be an uncle!" Jared was grinning wildly at him.

"Yeah, this is true." Shannon slowly grinned. He was lost in thought for another few minutes when Jared's Blackberry going off snapped him out of his thoughts. 

Shannon left the studio to find Lexi sitting in a lounge chair outside by the pool. She was wrapped in a terry cloth housecoat and reading a book. 

"Hey." Shannon said and sat down next to her.

"So I take it Jared told you?" Lexi said and she bookmarked her place and sat the book down.

"Yeah he did. Congratulations. I'm really happy for you two."

Lexi sat up all the way and turned to face Shannon. "You ok?"

"Sure. I'm just kind of shocked."

Lexi chuckled, "Yeah so am I. I'm still trying to get used to the idea."

"No kidding. This is wild. I can't believe I'm going to be an uncle." Shannon was shaking his head.

"I can't believe I'm going to be a mom. I wasn't expecting this yet. We were going to wait until after the tour to get married then start trying to have a baby." She sighed. "Oh well."

Shannon was quiet for a while. He wasn't really sure what to say. He just sat there staring down at his hands.

"You sure you're ok?" Lexi cocked her head to the side.

"Yeah I'm fine. Really." Shannon looked over at her. "Just weird."

Lexi took Shannon's hand. "I really really want things to be ok with us."

Shannon squeezed her hand. "They are, Lexi. They are. Really. I'm dealing with.... you know....... my feelings or whatever. Hey, I'm going to be fine and so are you and Jared. He's back, he's getting back to normal, you guys are going to have a baby. The band is getting back on track. Everything is going right again. We're all going to be fine." Shannon leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"I love you, you know." Lexi said. Shannon nodded his head. "Hey, you're going to make a fantastic uncle!" She grabbed Shannon and hugged him hard.

"I love you too, Lexi." He whispered.

 

Shannon called Tomo to meet him for lunch. They picked an outdoor cafe that wasn't too busy and sat down away from other people.

"So did you take that girl home last night?" Tomo asked.

"Oh don't you start too." Shannon said.

Tomo laughed. "Hey, I'm not saying anything. Good for you. Glad to see you having fun for a change."

"Yeah" Shannon said and bit into his sandwich. "Well guess what?"

Tomo gave him a questioning look.

"Lexi's pregnant." Shannon said after he swallowed his food making Tomo almost choke on his.

"Wow, really? Well that's good news!" Tomo said after he regained his composure.

"Yeah it is." Shannon said without much enthusiasm. 

"Wait, what's that look? You don't look happy about this." 

"No I am. I'm very happy for them. Jared is ecstatic and Lexi seems pretty happy about it too. They weren't planning on this happening so soon so Lexi's still in shock but she's happy. How can she not be? She's got Jared back and they are starting a family." Shannon kept eating his sandwich without looking at Tomo.

"Shannon, you sound bitter. Man, you'd better get over that." Tomo told him giving him a sharp look.

"I know. I know. This really is good news. I swear I'm happy for them. I just wish....." Shannon stopped and thought of how to finish that sentence. "I don't know what I wish."

"I know what you wish but that's never going to happen, not without destroying a lot of lives anyway. Have you talked to Lexi about this? Does she know you still feel this way?" Tomo picked up his sandwich and took another bite.

"She knows. We talked months ago. She basically said the same thing. It's never going to happen." 

"Well yeah, Shannon! Damn man, you've got to get ahold of yourself!" 

"I am. I am. It's going to take some time. It's not something you just get over like that." Shannon snapped his fingers. "But I'm dealing. I'll be fine."

"So that's what that girl was about last night." Tomo said.

"Yeah, I guess." Shannon replied.

"Shannon, you can go out every night and get drunk and fuck some random girl but that won't do it. You've just got to face it head on and get over it. You don't have a choice." Tomo went into lecture mode. "You've got to do whatever you have to because any other choice leads to destroying everyone's lives around you."

"I know I know! Tomo, I'm dealing. I have been dealing. I haven't been out in forever. I haven't been with another woman until last night." Shannon told him.

"And did it help?" Tomo asked. 

"Not really." Shannon balled up his napkin and threw it in his plate.


	25. Revelations

Lexi and Jared invited Constance over for dinner to tell her the good news. She took it exactly as they expected. Hugging and kissing both of them and crying tears of joy. To say she was happy was an understatement. She'd wanted a grandchild for years. 

"Jared, you have to cancel your tour!" Constance told him.

"Ma, I can't do that. That's a lot of dates to cancel. It's not practical." Jared told her.

"How can you leave her here pregnant and alone?" Constance looked horrified.

"Ma, stop being over dramatic. I'm going to move some dates around so I'll be able to fly home more often. When it gets close to her due date I'll come back home and be with her. You and Vicki will be here when I'm not so she won't be all alone." Jared tried to calm her.

"Connie, I'll be fine. I'm pregnant, not helpless. You live in the same neighborhood and Vicki will be around all the time. Hell, I won't be able to keep her away." She laughed.

Constances' eyes grew wide and she whipped around to Jared, "Tell me you're going to marry this girl soon!"

Jared laughed. "Yes ma, we've already talked about that. We're going to have a small wedding right before Christmas."

"Oh thank God." Constance said with a sigh of relief.

"Ma, why are you suddenly acting like this is the 1950's?" 

"Because this is my grandchild we are talking about!" Constance said.

"I wanted to get married before they went on tour but not wait until I was showing. There's a lodge at a beautiful park here where we'll get married. It's just going to be a small ceremony with a few of our friends and family. That's all." Lexi told her. 

"Shannon you're quiet over there." Constance said to him.

Shannon was leaning back in his chair with his hands behind his head. "Hey, I told them to get married when they were in Vegas but they didn't listen to me." he said, smiling.

"Shannon!" Constance exclaimed then whipped her head around to Jared and Lexi, "I'd have killed you guys for that!"

Jared and Lexi both laughed. "That's exactly what I told him!" Lexi told her. 

 

When Constance left she asked Shannon to walk her to her car.  
"Shannon I want to talk to you."

Shannon crossed him arms knowing that any sentence started like that by your mother can't be good. "Ok, what's up?" 

"I need to know something, just between us."

"Yeah?" He had a small feeling he knew where this was going.

"Is it possible that this baby is yours?" Constance asked.

Shannon stood there for a moment with his mouth hanging open. 

"Ma! Absolutely not! I told you before, that was over before Jared even came back! Don't you dare ever insinuate such a thing again and don't you dare say a word to Lexi and upset her!" Shannon half yelled to his mother. "And don't you ever ever say a word to Jared or I'll never speak to you again!"

With that Shannon spun around and walked back inside leaving his mother flabbergasted at his words.

 

The next week Lexi went to the doctor with Jared in tow and found out she was due around June 15th. Lexi got the doctor to convince Jared she wasn't as fragile as he thought so he'd stop treating her as if she was going to break.

Halloween came and went without Jared going through his usual fall blues. In fact he was more excited about it than Lexi had ever seen him. He even dressed up and helped her give out candy. 

The first week in November Shannon announced he was moving out. Jared was not happy about this.

"But why Shannon?" Jared paced around Shannon's room while he was packing.

"Because it's time I moved out and gave you guys some space. You're going to be married next month then Lexi will be having a baby. A married couple needs their space." Shannon told him and he continued to pack.

"But the baby won't be here for months! You know there's plenty of room here. We'd never tell you to leave." Jared told him.

"No Jared, I know you wouldn't. I just need a place of my own." 

"Did Lexi say something to you?" Jared narrowed his eyes at him.

"No she didn't. Look Jared, I can't keep clinging to you my whole life. I'm a grown man. I need a place of my own. I can't...... you know..... bring girls here. Especially when there's a baby around. That's just not right." Shannon continued on. "You can come over any time you want and I'll be over here often. It's just time I left." 

Jared had tears in his eyes. "You're my brother. I need you around."

Shannon stopped and put his hands on Jared's shoulders. "Jared, you don't NEED me around. You are better. You have Lexi. I'm not going far. I'm in town."

"But it was always us, you know. Us and our music. Us against the world. Then it was the three of us." Jared moaned.

"Yes, and it still will be. Nothing's changed except my address. Jared, it will be ok." 

"No." Jared said, sitting down on the bed. "Something's changed. Something between the dynamic of the three of us. Something is different."

Shannon froze. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know exactly. I can't put my finger on it. You're distant. Things with you and Lexi aren't the same." Jared looked up at him. "What happened while I was gone?"  
Shannon panicked for a moment. "Like what?" He said, breathless.

"I don't know. You tell me." Jared asked.

"Look, Jared, of course things changed. What you went through was horrific. I told you. Lexi and I wandered around this house half out of our minds with grief. We were crazed wondering if you were dead. I moved in. I couldn't leave her alone." Shannon paused. There's no way he could bring himself to tell him what really went on.   
"I got drunk a lot. She did her fair share of drinking. We had these really long, all night conversations about you, about where you might be, about whether or not you were dead. We didn't know what to think. We didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do with myself but I had to be strong for Lexi. I had to be here for her. So yes, things changed. It brought us closer together. Maybe what you are feeling is me trying to step back and give you two the time you need to reconnect."

Jared sighed audibly. "You're right. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Lexi and I have this bond now. We usually know what each other is thinking without saying it. Just like us. Going through what we did will do that." Shannon put his arm around Jared. "I just think it's time for me to get my own place and leave you two to start your lives the proper way."

Jared sighed and hugged Shannon. "Ok. I still don't like this but ok. Just promise me you'll be around often?"

"Jared, we still have our music. I'll be over here practically every day. Now get out and let me finish packing." Shannon smiled at him. 

Before Jared left the room he gave Shannon a pointed look and said, "You know I love you more than anyone, right? No one will ever come between us."

"Yes, Jared I do, and you know I feel the same." Shannon said.

As Jared left the room Shannon put his head in his hands. "Ugh, damnit!" Shannon said aloud. When was he ever going to stop feeling like complete shit? He knew moving out was the right thing to do. He knew that not being around Lexi all the time would make him get over her but would he ever get over feeling like he betrayed his brother? 

 

The next day Jared was helping Shannon unload his stuff out of the moving van into Shannon's new house.   
"Shannon, I'm not so sure about this neighborhood. You sure it's safe?"

"Oh for crying out loud, Jared, it's five miles from where you live! It's almost a carbon copy of your neighborhood. Stop it!" Shannon stopped to give him a look. "Now give me a hand with this." 

Lexi was inside getting his kitchen set up.

"You're not lifting anything, are you?" Shannon stopped to ask her as he came in with a big box.

"No, for the hundredth time. I'm not lifting anything heavier than an ounce. Jared won't let me. He panics if I lift anything heavier than a roll of toilet paper. Don't you start too." Lexi said with her hands on her hips.

"Hey, that's my niece or nephew in there. I've gotta be protective." Shannon told her.

"Don't worry. Jared's protective enough for both of you. Then there's your mother." Lexi rolled her eyes.

"Oh yeah." Shannon laughed. "Glad I'm not you having to deal with her." 

"Yeah one day you will. Just wait until you have a wife and kids!" Lexi laughed. 

"Yeah." Shannon said somberly as he put the box down. 

Lexi gave him a thin smile and went back to her work. 

 

Later that night as he and Lexi went to bed exhausted, Jared said. "Oh man, poor Shannon. I really laid a guilt trip on him for moving. I didn't mean to. I even thought that he might be moving out because of you." 

Lexi turned to look at him. "Me? Why?"

"Oh I don't know. I've just noticed that things are different between the two of you. I thought maybe you said something to him to make him want to move out. I'm sorry. I was just upset and being a jackass. You know how I get."

"Oh yeah I know how you get." She smiled then said, "I was just as shocked as you that he wanted to move out. I never said anything to him." 

"No, I know you didn't. He explained to me what all you guys went through while I was gone and that it brought you closer together. I was just being silly." Jared laid his head on her shoulder. "It's just that I've never lived without him before."

"I know, babe and you aren't now. He'll be over all the time. Shannon just needs his space and I'm sure he's trying to give us space. He's ok. We'll all be ok. You know that right?" She started running her fingers through his hair.

"Yeah I know. This is the first time he's ever not lived with me. Do you realize this is the first time since we got together that he's not lived with us?"

"Yes babe, I know." She continued to stroke his hair until she heard the rhythmic pattern of his breathing indicating that he was asleep.

She laid there for a long time thinking about everything. She knew this was the best thing for Shannon. She knew exactly why he moved out.

Five miles away Shannon was lying awake thinking about Jared and their conversation. He knew. He and Shannon had shared a twin-like bond and he knew something was off. Shannon knew that if Jared let himself really think about it he would know exactly what happened. He also knew that Jared would never go there. He knew that Jared knew that allowing himself to realize this would destroy his and Shannon's relationship and he was never going to let that happen. Shannon knew that it would always remain unspoken between them.


	26. Trying to Forget

"He's still not answering his phone." Jared said as he put his Blackberry back in his pocket. "I'm going over there." He grabbed his keys and was headed out the door when Shannon suddenly appeared in the doorway.

"Where the hell have you been?" Jared yelled. "You're three hours late!"

Shannon stood there in disheveled clothes, sunglasses on, and looking very hung over.  
"Sorry. I overslept." He said.

"Overslept? I told you yesterday to be here by ten! It's one o'clock! What the fuck, Shannon? You're never this late. We've got shit to do!" Jared stormed off to the studio where Tomo and Matt were waiting. He threw open the door, startling both of them.

"Well guess who decided to show up? I don't know what his problem is but........." Jared was muttering when Shannon walked in.

"I'm hung over and late. Get over it." Shannon growled.

"It's the third time this week and no, I won't get over it!" Jared yelled.

"What the fuck are you going to do about it?" Shannon challenged.

Jared put his hand up and turned around and sat down at the piano. "Don't go there, Shannon. I'm in no mood."

Shannon mumbled "Yeah that's what I thought." under his breath so no one else could hear as he sat on his drum stool.

 

Lexi leaned against the kitchen counter listening to them fight as they went into the studio. She went closer to the door to see what she could hear. The brothers had been fighting a lot lately. Lexi could only remember a couple of times she'd ever heard them fight this bad. Sure, they'd had their squabbles over the years but they were really nothing. Not compared to this.

"Shannon, you're playing too slow!" Jared yelled. 

"Yeah well my head hurts!" Shannon yelled back.

"Get it together! Take some fucking Tylenol or something." Jared said through gritted teeth.

Tomo and Matt exchanged a look but didn't say anything. They knew to stay out of it when the brothers argued but it was a rare occasion to see them fight this bad. 

Lexi continued to listen by the door. It was muffled but she could hear them stop every so often and yell at each other. She laid down on the couch feeling nauseous. Morning sickness was hitting her again. She would be glad when this part of pregnancy was gone. She laid there thinking about Shannon and wondered what was going on with him. He moved out three weeks ago and he pretty much stayed drunk all the time. Shannon had slowed down on his drinking years ago. In fact, when Lexi and Jared first got together, Shannon had already slowed way down from his partying days. Was his sudden increase in drinking because of her? She felt guilt in the pit of her stomach.

Suddenly, Shannon burst through the door of the studio and came through the living room with his hands in the air. "I'm outta here!" He yelled. Lexi sat up and saw Jared about five paces behind him saying, "Shannon, where the fuck do you think you're going!"

"Fuck you!" Shannon yelled and slammed the door in Jared's face.

Jared stood there for a moment then turned around, his face red, breathing heavy. He saw Lexi sitting up on the couch with her eyes wide.

"I'm sorry, babe. I didn't see you there. You feeling sick again?" 

"Yeah, a little. What the hell was that all about?" she asked.

"Ugh, Shannon! I don't know. Lately, he shows up late either hung over as hell or still drunk. I don't know what his problem is." Jared paced back and forth. "I just don't get it. He won't talk to me about it. He keeps telling me nothing is wrong." 

Lexi felt sick. Jared stopped and looked at her. "Oh I'm sorry, baby. I don't mean to be laying this all on you. You don't need the stress." He sat down next to her. "You look green."

"Yeah I'm not feeling well." Lexi stood up to go to the bathroom.

"Well, I'll get it sorted out. I won't have him upsetting you this way." Jared told her.

When Lexi came back from the bathroom Jared was still sitting on the couch. "Baby, I'm so sorry that you are sick. I know this can't be helping you."

Lexi sat down next to him. "No Jared, but I'm more worried about the two of you. I haven't seen you fight this bad in a very long time."

Jared kissed her forehead. "Don't worry about it. We'll get it sorted out. We always do." 

Jared looked pissed off and worried but she could tell that he was trying his best not to let on and worry her.

"Hey, are you ok?" She asked him. "I don't want this to be a setback for you." She stroked his hair. 

"No Lexi, you don't have to worry about that. I'm still going to my therapy. Trust me I'll know if something is going to happen and I'll get help. You don't have to worry about that I'm fine. I can deal with Shannon."

"Ok, Jared but please let me know if it becomes too much for you to handle. I don't want you to keep anything from me thinking I can't handle it." She told him. "Deal?"

"Deal." he said and kissed her. "I worry about you sometimes then you remind me just how strong you are." 

Lexi smiled at him. "Jared, I've been through the worst and came out fine. So have you. We'll both be fine."

 

While Matt and Jared were talking outside by Matt's car, Tomo stopped to talk to Lexi.

"Hey, Lexi. Do you know what's going on with Shannon?" He stood there fidgeting and not really looking at Lexi.

"I have an idea." She told him.

"Yeah, me too." He said, still not looking at her.

"Tomo?" She said, making him look at her. "I know you know, um about..... everything. I appreciate your discretion but you know that it stopped before Jared came back, right?"

"Yeah I know." Tomo shifted uncomfortably. "Shannon told me."

"Ok, I just don't want anything to be weird between us." Lexi told him.

Tomo nervously laughed and looked up at the ceiling. "Yeah well that's kinda hard. I'm sorta stuck in the middle, ya know?" 

"Yeah, I know and I'm trying to fix that." 

"Yeah I guess." Tomo said shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Tomo, come on. We've always gotten along. Don't let this come between us? I hate this tension."

"So do I, Lexi. I wish I didn't know about it. I hate having this secret around Jared." 

Lexi looked tearful. "I know. Trust me, I wish you didn't know. No one hates this secret more than I do. Believe me, I feel like shit about it. I'm trying as hard as I can to get everything back to normal."

Tomo, seeing her near tears, sat down next to her on the couch. "Lex, don't stress over it. I'm sorry if I've acted like an idiot. I didn't mean to. You and I, we're fine. It's gonna be ok." He hugged her tight.

"Thanks Tomo. I'm sure we'll all get through this." Lexi said, wiping her eyes.

"Well, I gotta go before Jared comes back. He'll wonder why you're crying." Tomo smiled at her.

"I'll blame it on hormones." Lexi winked at him.

"It's cool. Oh and by the way, Vicki doesn't know. I haven't told her or anyone else." Tomo said as he started to walk away.

"Thank you for that." Lexi smiled at him. 

 

Thanksgiving day Constance helped Lexi with the dinner. Tomo and Vicki went to Michigan to Tomo's parents house and Matt and Libby were having dinner with Libby's parents. The dinner was cooked and Shannon showed up just as dinner was about to start, greeted by glaring looks from Jared.

"What's up guys?" Shannon asked as he walked in the door obviously drunk.

"Just about to start eating. Where have you been? I've been calling you since nine." Jared grilled him.

"Home sleeping. I turned my phone off. I don't need a baby sitter." Shannon responded picking off a piece of turkey and popping it into his mouth.

"Jared don't." Lexi whispered to him before he could respond.

"Hey Ma!" Shannon kissed Constance on the cheek.

"Shannon have you been drinking?" Constance pulled away from him.

"Hey, just a little celebratory drink for Thanksgiving!" He said as he plopped down into his chair. "Let's eat! I'm starving!"

"We were just waiting on you." Jared said as he sat down.

"Well I'm here aren't I?" Shannon said, glaring at Jared.

"Boys! Let's say grace!" Constance said as she grabbed Jared and Shannon's hands.

The rest of the dinner went fairly well with only a few snide comments from Shannon and Jared. 

After dinner was over Shannon went to his old room and fell asleep on the guest bed that was now in there. 

"I'm going to go talk to him." Jared said.

"Jared just leave it. It's Thanksgiving. Your mom is here. I don't want to listen to a fight. Just leave it for now. Ok?" Lexi was too tired to deal with it today. 

"Ok ok. For now, but he's going to hear about it." Jared told her.

The next day Lexi got up early and left, telling Jared she was going shopping but instead headed over to Shannon's house. She had to get the bottom of this. When she got no answer to her knocking she let herself in with the key Shannon had given them when he first moved in.

She went into Shannon's room to find him sprawled out on the bed naked with a girl, equally as naked, sleeping next to him. She nudged the girl who didn't stir ,then she nudged her harder. The girl woke up blinking. 

"Hey, what the fuck?" she said.

"Get up. Time for you to leave." Lexi said.

"Hey, who the fuck are you?" the girl said.

"You're worst fucking nightmare if you don't leave right now!" Lexi told her.

The girl looked over at Shannon who was beginning to stir. She elbowed him. "Hey, you didn't tell me you have a girlfriend!"

"Yeah that's right. I'm his girlfriend! Now get the fuck up and go!" Lexi yelled as she threw clothes at the girl. Lexi was actually kind of enjoying this.

"Ok, ok. Don't flip out. I didn't know he had a girlfriend. He didn't tell me." The girl protested. 

"I'm sure he didn't!!" Lexi told her as the girl hurriedly dressed and left. 

Shannon rolled over and groaned. "Damnit Lexi, what'd you chase her off for?" 

"Because we need to talk Shannon. Get your ass up and shower. It smells like sex in here." She wrinkled her nose. "I'll be waiting in the living room."

Shannon groaned again. He rubbed his hands across his face and looked up at Lexi. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Just get up and shower. I'll have the coffee ready when you get out." Lexi spun around on her heels and walked to the door pausing to say, "Get up now. Don't make me have to come back in here."

"Damn." Shannon said as she slammed the door behind her.

Lexi saw the girl in the driveway talking on her cell phone and chuckled to herself. She kind of enjoyed kicking her out. She was pretty but Shannon had a taste for skanks in his one night stands. She'd seen a lot of them over the years.  
Lexi sighed and sat down on the couch. This had to stop. Whatever this self destructive path Shannon was on just had to be over. She couldn't take anymore of the fighting between him and Jared. If it kept on it would destroy the band and his relationship with his brother.  
She got up and started making strong coffee. She knew the reason for Shannon's behavior but she and Tomo were the only ones. She wondered to herself if Tomo bothered to talk some sense into Shannon. Although it seemed like Shannon was beyond the point of reasoning. Well she was pissed and tired of this. She'd been nice to Shannon but that was done. It seemed like the time for being nice was over. Shannon wasn't going to listen to reason but Lexi had an idea he was going to listen to her today. 

She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table to wait for Shannon. A little while later Shannon came out in a T shirt and sweat pants with his hair wet and his eyes bloodshot. There were dark circles around his eyes. He looked like shit.

"So Jared let you off his leash?" Shannon said.

Ignoring the comment, Lexi got up and poured a cup of coffee, fixing it the way Shannon liked it and handed it to him. "Sit down." She told him. Shannon pulled out a chair and sat down at the table.

"Lexi, what is this about? Why'd you scare her off?" Shannon croaked, slumping over the table. 

"Ugh Shannon, you had to be done with her." Lexi told him.

"Why? You jealous?" Shannon smirked.

"Don't fucking try me Shannon. I'm done with this bullshit out of you."

This made Shannon perk up a little. He could tell Lexi was more than a little mad.

"Ok, what's on your mind." Shannon asked.

"You know exactly what's on my mind. What the fuck is your problem lately?" Lexi said.

"I don't really have problem. It seems like it's only you and Jared who have the problem. I've just been having fun." Shannon chuckled but still sat slumped half asleep.

Lexi jumped up from the table, slamming her chair in making Shannon snap awake.

"See? This is the shit I'm talking about! You're drunk all the time, bringing skanks home, showing up to practice or meetings late and either hung over or drunk. You and Jared fight all the time. You're trying to destroy your relationship with Jared and effectively destroy the band just as everything's getting back on track. The tour starts in a few months and if you keep this up it won't happen. What the fuck is going on with you that you seem to be hell bent on destroying yourself and everything around you?" Lexi was almost shaking.

"Did Jared send you over here?" Shannon asked.

"No, he thinks I'm out shopping. You know I don't fight Jared's battles but this isn't his battle. He's clueless as to why you are behaving this way but I know, Shannon." Lexi sat down in the chair next to Shannon who fully sat up.

"Tomo knows it too and you are tearing him apart because he feels caught in the middle. Why are you doing this to everyone?" Lexi asked.

"Lexi you don't understand." Shannon groaned as he rubbed his eyes. "God, you just don't fucking understand what I'm going through."

"Maybe I don't but why don't you explain it to me." Lexi sat back and crossed her arms.

"Ugh Lexi don't make me say it. You know." Shannon leaned over the table and covered his face with his hands.

Lexi was silent for a minute. "Shannon we've been through this before. I love you. If Jared had never come back or even if I had met you first I could have been in love with you but that didn't happen. I'm in love with Jared. I always have been."

This made Shannon uncover his eyes and sit up.

"I'm not sure if that is really love at all. Born out of what we went through but yes, I could see myself falling in love with you if Jared had never come back but that didn't happen and I am in love with him. I'm having his baby and we are getting married soon. That's the reality, Shannon and you'd better get used to it. It's your only choice. It's either that or you destroy your relationship with your brother and you break up the band. That's the facts of this situation. You are my best friend, my brother in law, my family, and I love you deeply but you have to move past this. If you don't, you lose everyone." 

Lexi got up and pushed her chair in. "I suggest you get your shit together because if you ruin my wedding I'll kill you." Lexi smiled at him.

Shannon ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "I won't Lexi. You deserve a nice wedding."

"Do you get what I am telling you?" Lexi leaned toward him, looking him in the eyes.

"Yes, Lexi I do." Shannon said to her.

"Good. I hope so." With that she left him sitting at the table with a lot to think about.


	27. Out of the Darkness

The next couple of weeks before the wedding everything went smooth. Shannon stopped showing up late. He and Jared stopped fighting. Jared was as puzzled by this change as he was before but didn't press Shannon too much on the subject because he was glad things were going smoothly. Shannon wasn't around as much as Jared liked. He only came around for band business. 

"Jared, it'll be ok. He was cooped up in the house for so long he needs to be away." Lexi told him. "He's cut way back on his drinking and he's showing up for practice sober and on time. He looks better."

"I know. You're right." Jared smiled at her and stroked her cheek. "You always are."

"You know how much time we could save if you'd just keep that in your head as a given?" Lexi told him.

"Ha ha, woman. Don't push it." Jared nudged her, laughing. 

 

Without telling anyone, Shannon had decided to distance himself from Jared and Lexi. He had taken Lexi's words to heart and decided she was right. Staying away from Lexi while Jared was in the hospital wasn't the answer, staying away and having drunken one night stands wasn't it either. The latter was only pushing away Jared and the rest of the band. His feelings inside were so mixed up that only alcohol seemed to numb them and make them go away. That didn't work well. He decided that coming around for band business only was the best option. The band was something he couldn't and wouldn't ignore. A week after Lexi showed up at Shannon's house he decided to have a talk with her one night before he went home from band practice. Jared was in the studio talking to Matt as Shannon walked into the kitchen to find Lexi cooking. He stood there for a while with his hands in his back pockets, looking down at the ground, shifting from one leg to the other until Lexi noticed he was there. 

"Oh hey" she said. 

"Uh, hey, cooking this late?" Shannon asked her.

"Slow cooking some vegetable soup in the crock pot." Lexi smiled at him. Shannon returned a nervous smile and nodded his head. "You should open your own restaurant or something. You're always cooking and you're good at it." Shannon looked back down at his feet, hands never leaving his back pockets. He cleared his throat.

"You saying my photography's not that good?" Lexi teased. 

Shannon jerked his head up, "Uh, no, no, that's not what I meant at all! I just meant that you like to cook so much, you know. You feed us all the time and….."

Lexi laughed, "Shannon, I was teasing! I know what you meant. Since when do we not get each other? What's the matter with you? Stop figeting and sit down. You're making me jumpy." 

Shannon walked over to the table, slowly pulled a chair out and sat down. He cleared his throat again. "Um, can we talk?"

"Sure" Lexi told him. She wiped her hands, threw down the dish towel and sat down at the table. "What's up?" 

Shannon sat there for a while, arms on the table, picking at his nails. "Um, I quit drinking." He told her.

"I know. It's obvious. You look so much better." Lexi said. 

"Thanks" Shannon replied still figeting.

"Shannon, I know that's not what you want to talk about so spit it out." Lexi told him.

Shannon sighed loudly. "Um, ok. I just thought, well I decided that um, maybe I should stop hanging out here so much except for you know, band business." He never looked up at her.

"Okay" Lexi stared at him waiting for him to say something else.

"Well it's just that……. I need to…….you know……. kinda stay away for a while and deal with um, well all this. You know." Shannon closed his eyes then looked up at her and said, "I need to get over you." 

"I know." Lexi nodded her head. "Shannon, I know that's what the drinking was all about. You forget how well I know you. You forget I can read your mind." Lexi smiled at him and put her hands over his to make him stop picking at his nails.

Shannon laughed. "Yeah, sometimes I'm too wrapped up in myself to remember that kind of stuff. I'm sorry. Lately I've been selfish and worried about my own feelings and I just didn't know what to do or how to deal with them. Jared came back and I've felt like I'm on the outside looking in. When he came back I thought that would make everything ok again but I've just felt more lost than ever. I felt like I got my brother back but lost you." Shannon ran his hands across his face. "It's stupid. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. It was so stupid of me to fall in love with you. It was the worst thing I could have possibly done. We were best friends until I fucked that up. Then there's the guilt. I've betrayed my brother in the worst possible way." Shannon sighed heavily then continued. "I made the wrong choices while finding a way to deal. I've pushed everyone, especially you, so far away that I forgot what it was like before I screwed everything up. I'm really sorry." Shannon looked back down at the table so Lexi wouldn't see the tears forming in his eyes. He squeezed his eyes tight to keep the tears away.

Lexi squeezed his hand and leaned forward. "Is that what you think? That all this is your fault?" 

"It is, Lexi."

"Shannon I've told you before. You didn't do it alone. " She lowered her voice. "I'm the one that got scared of a stupid thunderstorm and crawled into your bed, remember?" She sat back in her chair and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Yeah but I didn't have to……… start anything." 

"And I could have said no, gotten up and left. I didn't have to let you. I sure as hell didn't have to let it go on. Look lets not argue over who started it or who's fault it is. We're both to blame. It's done and over and we need to move on. Rehashing it isn't going to help. I feel guilty too. Trust me on that. I really do but I just concentrate on here and now and the future. Jared is back and he's normal again. We need to be thankful for that." Lexi told him.

"Oh I am, Lexi. I don't know what I'd do if Jared had never come back. I don't know what I'd ever do without him. We came so close to losing him forever. I don't want to lose him over something like this. The guilt is in the pit of my stomach and it just keeps eating away at me. When I found out you were pregnant I just couldn't take it anymore so I started drinking all the time. It was the only way to make me not feel anything. I know I said some shitty things to you and I'm sorry for that. You have to know I'd never hurt you. Can you ever forgive me?" Shannon asked.

"Shannon, it's water under the bridge. I knew you didn't mean it. I knew why you were doing it. I wasn't going to sit back and let you push us away and destroy your life. You can't push us away no matter how hard you try. You're stuck with us for life!" 

"So we're okay?" Shannon asked.

"We're okay, Shan. You just stop dwelling on the past and concentrate on the future,yourself, Jared, the band, and some day you'll find yourself a girlfriend. I warn you though, she'd better be good enough for you. I have to approve or she's gone. " Lexi smiled at him.

Shannon laughed. "Oh I know what happens when you don't approve!"

"Good. As long as you realize my power we are okay." Lexi said, trying not to laugh.

Shannon rolled his eyes, "Lexi you are too much. God help Jared!"

 

The week before the wedding the band had their long awaited official interview. Mtv paid big money to get exclusive rights to the band announcing it on their network first. Jared's absence was a touchy subject. He warned them ahead of time that he would talk about it briefly but they were not allowed to ask him questions about it. He knew everyone wanted details but there was no way he was going to tell the world what he went through. He told them that he'd been kidnapped from a casino in Las Vegas and held against his will in another country. Then he steered the interviewer away from the subject by announcing their first tour date on March 3rd. He wanted to keep his wedding and impending fatherhood out of the papers as long as he could. He didn't want paparazzi showing up at his wedding. 

From time to time Lexi would read the bands official message board for amusement. The night of the Mtv interview the board was blowing up with activity. Lexi read through the comments speculating Jared's absence. Some speculated that it was a publicity stunt; the band was having problems so they faked Jared's disappearance to explain the two year delay in the tour. Some speculated the band was about to break up. Other explanations included, Jared got a fan pregnant and his angry girlfriend made him go into hiding, Lexi and Shannon ran away together, Jared was kidnapped by aliens, Lexi and Tomo were having an affair, and her favorite, Jared died in a car crash and they replaced him with a look alike, reminiscent of the Paul McCartney story. A few even hit right on the mark that Jared was kidnapped and sold into the sex slave trade in another country. Most everyone scoffed at the idea. 

The wedding was small, simple, and quiet. It was held at an old log cabin lodge in a small park in L.A. where they hiked frequently. Jared wore a black Armani suit and Lexi a tea length laced ivory dress. Very few people were there for the ceremony. Only the band, Constance, their grandmother Ruby, and a few of their very closest friends. Shannon surprised everyone and showed up with a date. A tall, pretty brunette that was not one of Shannon's typical one night stands.  
They invited more people to the reception that went on well into the night. When Shannon got Lexi alone he hugged her and said, "I didn't get a chance to tell you how beautiful you look."

"Thank you, Shannon. You look handsome in your suit. I don't think I've ever seen you this dressed up before." She put a hand on his chest and smoothed his lapels.

"And you probably won't again." Shannon winked at her. "Seriously, you make a beautiful bride. Jared's a lucky man. I'm lucky to have you for a sister in law."

Lexi kissed his cheek. "You are and don't ever forget it." She smiled at him.

"Never." Shannon said as he went back to his date.

Lexi sat down in a chair next to Vicki and said, "Can I just smell your margarita?" Vicki laughed and held it to her nose. Lexi breathed in and said, "Oh God, I miss alcohol!"  
Vicki sipped it and said, "Mmmm, it's really good too. That bartender you guys hired is top notch."  
"That's just cruel, Vicki." Lexi glared at her.  
"Hey you had a glass of champagne!" Vicki pointed out.  
"Yeah but right now I could drink the whole bottle. Planning a wedding is stressful. Even one this small. I'm so glad we opted for something small. I'd never survive planning a big wedding. Not the mention I haven't had a cigarette in two weeks!" Lexi told her.  
"Well it was beautiful just the same and I'm proud of you for quitting." Vicki put her arm around Lexi and hugged her close.  
"It really was beautiful." Libby chimed in. "Matt talks about a big wedding but I have got to get that idea out of his head."  
"Have you guys set a date yet?" Lexi asked.  
"Not yet. Just sometime after the tour is over." Libby told her.  
"What about you and Tomo?" Lexi asked.  
"Oh no. We haven't talked about that yet. Neither of us are ready for that step." Vicki said.  
"Hey, there's no hurry." Lexi said. "Girls, the minute I give birth we are having a girls night out!"  
"Sounds good to me!" Vicki said.  
"Me too." Libby replied. 

"There she is! I didn't get a chance to kiss the bride yet!" A booming voice said behind Lexi making her turn around.

"Brent!" She jumped up and hugged Jared's long time friend as he kissed her cheek. "It's been so long!"

"Well don't you look beautiful." He held her hands and stood back examining her. "Pregnancy suits you. You look radiant."

"Thank you, Brent, but I feel like a bloated whale." Lexi told him.

"Lexi! You can't even tell! Stop it. You look gorgeous!" Brent told her. 

"Flirting with my bride?" Jared said as he walked up and slapped Brent's back.

"Of course. I haven't see her in so long." He hugged Lexi to him.

"Ok for now, but she's leaving with me." Jared told him, smiling. 

"Good. Right now I'll take a dance with the bride." Brent said and led Lexi to the dance floor.

Shannon walked up behind Jared and said, "It's nice to see Brent again."

"Oh hey, there you are. Where's your date?" Jared asked.

"Restroom." Shannon told him.

"So are you going to introduce us to her? Who is she?" Jared said.

"Eleana. She's a model that Brent introduced me to a long time ago. I ran into her at a club recently and got her number. So I called her to be my date for the wedding." Shannon told him as he sipped his drink.

"Well good. She's pretty hot. You gonna ask her out?" Jared said.

"Yeah, I was thinking about it." Shannon replied.

"Well good." Jared said as he turned his attention to the dance floor.

They stood there for a moment watching Brent and Lexi on the dance floor.  
"She's really beautiful, you know." Shannon said.

"Oh I know." Jared smiled wide, never taking his eyes off her. "And smart, and funny, and strong."

"This is true." Shannon sipped on his drink.

Jared turned to him, put his hand on Shannon's shoulder and said, "And mine, forever." They locked eyes for a serious moment then suddenly Jared smiled, winked at him and walked away leaving Shannon very puzzled by his actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your comments!


	28. Comes the Light

They spent Christmas at home then Lexi and Jared took a short honeymoon in New Orleans. Lexi hadn't been to New Orleans in a long time and she really wanted to ride the riverboat. Jared promised her a longer honeymoon anywhere she wanted to go after the tour was over. 

By January, with the wedding and honeymoon behind them things were settling back down at the house somewhat. Jared was busy with the tour plans, rearranging the schedule he had set up, deciding what was to be packed. Shannon was getting back to his old self again. He was no longer showing up drunk. He no longer looked pale and drawn with dark circles under his eyes and that told them he had all but given up drinking. He was coming around the house a little more often and even a few times with Eleana in tow. His long nights and one night stands seemed to be over. Lexi was thankful for that and hoped Eleana would stick around for a while. 

As January wore on and February came the house got busier and busier. Jared was almost constantly on the phone or on the computer. The band was in and out of the studio day after day. Shannon was getting more and more back to his old self. The brothers were getting along great. They were together constantly planning the tour. It was almost as if Shannon was living there again. More than one night a week he stayed in the guest bedroom. On a few occasions he brought Eleana over for dinner. Sundays were their days off at Lexi's insistence. She knew that Jared, back to his old self, would work seven days a week while getting ready for this tour so she insisted he take one day off a week. While it was too cold for swimming they had everyone over for a get together on the back sun room. The non veggie folks fired up the barbecue grill. 

As February came to an end and the men were packing up for the tour, Lexi was getting anxious. Old worries of letting Jared out of her sight were coming back. 

"Jared, promise me you'll be careful." Lexi said tearfully.

Jared and Lexi were in the studio that was almost empty. Jared tore off a piece of tape and taped a boxed shut, writing on it with a Sharpie he said, "Lexi, I will. Don't worry. I promise I'll keep my eyes open."

"I know, I know. I'm just so worried." Lexi was pacing the studio and chewing on her nails. She was now four and a half months along and beginning to show.

"Lexi, sit down. You're making me dizzy. I've got to finish this. We have to get on the road tomorrow." Jared said as he carried a box outside to the truck.

Close on his heels Lexi said, "I know Jared but this is the first time you'll be gone since....." Lexi's bottom lip began to tremble and the tears began to fall.

"SShhhhh" Jared said as he held her tight. "I know. I know." He began to rub her back in small circles just as she had always done to calm him down. "It's going to be okay."

"Yeah but you're going to be off in all these other countries and...." Lexi sniffled.

Jared cupped her face in his hands and said, "Do you think that Shannon is going to let me out of his sight for one minute? Do you think Tomo or Matt will? You know they will be over protective of me so you don't have to worry. Not only that I hired more security just to be safe, okay?" He wiped her tears away with his thumbs. 

Lexi smiled. "Okay, I guess I'm just being stupid. You know when you first came back the doctor suggested inpatient therapy and I wouldn't do it because I didn't want to let you out of my sight."

"No, I didn't know that. I'm sorry. I never once thought that this tour would affect you that way. I knew you'd miss me but I didn't realize you had these fears. I'm sorry but please don't worry. I'm going to be extra careful. Believe me. Besides, I want to be there when my little girl is born." Jared smiled and rubbed her stomach.   
They'd found out they were having a girl and Jared was overjoyed. He was hoping for a girl. He'd never had a real sister. Only a stepsister he didn't really know. He was looking forward to the adventure of raising a girl. 

"You'd better be." Lexi told him. "I'm not going through this alone."

"You won't, baby. I promise." 

"Good because I want you to be there while I call you every horrible name I can think of while I'm going through the agonizing pain of childbirth." Lexi smiled up at him.

"Oh right, I know you're going for the epidural and you'll be asking for every drug you can think of which they won't give you." Jared ruffled her hair.

"You know me so well." She pushed him away and smoothed her hair down. 

"Hey, what the hell's going on?" Shannon walked outside to the truck with a box. "There's shit to do." He stopped when he saw Lexi's red rimmed eyes.

"Those pregnancy hormones kicking in?" He said.

"I am not hormonal!" Lexi shouted. 

Shannon laughed. "Okay okay, you're not." He turned around and went back into the studio.

Lexi laughed and said, "Wow, I'm going to have to use that excuse more often." 

Jared started laughing and said, "You are just evil."

"Yes I am and don't forget that for the next few months." She squeezed Jared tight.

"I don't think you'll let me." Jared said as he walked back in with her.

 

Lexi was still tearful and upset the next morning as the boys left for their tour. 

"Come on, it's going to be ok." Vicki told her as she put her arm around Lexi leading her back inside. "Let's go make some coffee. You haven't given that up have you?"

"No way. Jared made me give up the smokes but I've got to have my coffee. Coffee won't hurt the baby. Hell, my mom smoked cigarettes and drank coffee through her entire pregnancy with me and I'm fine."

Vicki laughed. "Well good. Let's go have some coffee." 

They walked inside to see Constance cleaning the breakfast dishes. "Oh Connie, you didn't have to do that." Lexi told her.

"It's fine, honey. Gives me something to do to keep my mind off things. I always hate it when my boys leave for such an extended period of time." Constance told her.

"Yeah, me too although this time it bothers me more than any other time before. I can't help but worry about Jared." Lexi said as she sat down.

"Well don't you worry too much. Jared is fine. He's back to his old self and you know the boys will watch him like a hawk." Vicki told her squeezing her hand.

"Honey, all those boys are going to watch him so closely no one will be able to get to him. You know the chances of something like that happening again are very remote." Constance said as she brought the coffee to the table. "I'm a little worried myself. I can't help it. Being their mother I always worry but honey try not to worry so much. The stress isn't good for the baby. 

"You're right, Connie. I'm just not sure that fear will ever go away. We were so lucky to have him back. Things could have been much worse." Lexi said as tears filled her eyes.

"Ok, that's enough of this kind of talk. Let's change the subject. I really don't want you worrying so much." Constance told her.

"Hey, let's go shopping!" Vicki exclaimed.

Lexi let out a small laugh. "Shopping's your answer for everything, Vicki" 

"Of course it is! How can you be unhappy when your shopping?" Vicki told her.

"I suppose you're right about that, Vicki." Lexi replied.


	29. Lost in a Daydream

It was May and Lexi was 8 months pregnant and miserable. She tried her best not to whine to Jared when they Skyped. She knew Jared would worry about her if she moaned about being miserable. Frequently she was near tears. Not only was she fat and physically miserable, she was also emotionally miserable because of the hormones. 

"I hate this! I've never been one of those overly emotional crying females and now I am one! This sucks!" Lexi stated as she sat back and folded her arms across her belly. "Not to mention how fat I've become." She lifted her arms and looked down at her swollen belly.

Jared chuckled from the camera. "Baby, you are so beautiful."

"It's not funny and no I'm not!" Lexi pouted.

"I'm not laughing at you…….well ok I am, but you're so cute. You're not fat. You're pregnant. You'll loose the weight after you give birth. You've always been skinny and you'll go back to being skinny. Don't worry." Jared told her, trying his best to comfort her.

"What if I don't? What if I end up like those women who never lose the baby weight?" Lexi whined.

"You'll lose it. Stop worrying. You can work out and it will go away, baby, I promise." Jared was saying when Shannon popped his head from behind Jared.

"Hi Lexi! Wow, you've gotten big since I saw you last!" Shannon said making Jared elbow him in the stomach. 

"Ouch!" Shannon said as he rubbed his side.

"See!" Lexi shouted. 

"Don't listen to him. Lexi, you're pregnant and it's just your belly that's big. It means we have a healthy baby girl in there. Stop worrying about it." Jared said as he glanced sideways at Shannon.

Suddenly Tomo shoved Shannon out of the way and said, "Lexi, you look radiant. Don't listen to Shannon. God, pregnant women are so hot!"

Jared put his hand over Tomo's face and shoved him out of the way. 

"Ew, Tomo." Lexi said. "Ugh, I can't listen to you guys."

Jared started laughing and said, "Lexi don't listen to these guys they are just giving you shit, as usual. Go to bed and get some sleep. I've got to go. I'll see you this weekend. I love you."

"I love you too." Lexi told him before she ended the Skype chat. 

Jared turned to Shannon and said, "Dude, you are so not helping."

"What?" Shannon feined innocence. 

"The fat comment! She's really sensitive about that you moron! All pregnant women are. Well, all women are but especially when they're pregnant!"

Shannon laughed, "Dude, I am so glad I'm not you right now." 

Jared just glared at him.

"And you!" Jared pointed at Tomo. "Seriously? 'Pregnant women are hot'? Really!?"

Tomo laughed, "Hey, I thought it would make her feel better……..and well, they are."

"Eewwww!" Shannon said. 

"Ok, this conversation is over!" Jared said as he got up and walked away.

"He's so touchy these days." Tomo said to Shannon who just shrugged his shoulders. 

 

Jared came home and they tried to have a romantic weekend but Lexi was bloated, miserable, and crying the entire time. 

"Jared, just be patient. You'll have your real wife back after the baby is born." Constance told her son. 

Jared rubbed his hands over his face. "Ugh, I know. I keep trying to remember that but it's hard. She's just impossible! Nothing I say is right. She's blaming me for being on tour and not being here. I don't come home enough. She says we are all out having fun while she's stuck here bored and miserable. Hell, she's the one who told me not to cancel the tour!" Jared threw up his hands in exasperation.

"I know. It's just the hormones talking. Be patient and ride it out. She'll be back to normal after she has the baby." Constance leaned over and put her hand on his knee. "Honey, this is hard on her. Just be patient."

"I'm trying, ma." Jared said. 

The weeks wore on as the band toured. They gave interviews here and there. Sometimes Jared was absent from the interviews because he wanted to be home with Lexi. When Jared wasn't home, either Constance, Vicki, Libby, or Eleana was there with her. Most of the time it was Vicki and they would sit and watch the interviews when they aired. 

"Ugh, look at them. They are just having the time of their lives while I'm stuck here bored and getting fatter by the minute!" Lexi said as she watched them goofing around, giving an interviewer a hard time.

"Lex, come on. You know Jared always has you on his mind. Look at how he was just gloating about how much he can't wait to be a father!" Vicki pointed to the tv. 

Lexi smiled. "Yeah I know." She looked down and said, " I do sometimes wonder what's going on out there on that tour bus. You know, all those skinny models prancing around and I'm here…..all fat." 

"Lexi! Stop that! Don't even think about that. Jared's not going to fuck up like that again. You guys have come too far. Besides, I don't like to think about Tomo with some girl….. ooooh, I'll kill him!" Vicki said.

"Okay, okay! No sense in both of us getting worked up." Lexi reached over and ruffled Vicki's hair.

"I just don't think about it, you know? When you date a musician you can't do that to yourself or you'll drive yourself nuts. All I can do is trust him." Vicki suddenly got somber. "You remember what it used to be like." Vicki looked down. "But things are so different with you and Jared." Vicki added quickly. "I mean after everything you two have been through…."

"It's ok, Vicki. I know what you mean and no I don't really dwell on that. Sometimes my hormones make me crazy but deep, down inside I know differently and don't worry about Tomo because I'll kick his ass too if he does anything stupid. You guys have been together for a long time. Don't worry." Lexi told her but she was older than Vicki and knew exactly what it was like when the guys were on tour. 

 

Meanwhile on the tour bus, Shannon was sitting with his head leaning against the window, in deep thought. It was times like this; late at night, the bus quiet, no sounds but the tires droaning against the highway, that Shannon got lost in thoughts of the past and the present. He thought about everything. He thought about the time that Jared was still missing, he thought about the time before when he and Lexi were friends and would do things together. There was never any sexual tension between the two of them. He'd never thought of her that way and he was pretty sure she never saw him in that light either. While Jared was gone something happened between the two of them. It was as if they thought that by clinging to each other they still had a part of Jared. "Oh Christ how did everything get so fucked up?" Shannon thought to himself. He thought about Jared and how he would react if he knew what went on while he was gone. Would he ever forgive Shannon? 

"Shannon!" Jared said, making Shannon jump.

"Damn, you were a million miles away. I called your name three times!" Jared told him. "Scoot over." Jared said as he sat down next to Shannon.  
"Where'd you go?" 

"Nowhere, just lost in my thoughts." Shannon told him not looking away from the window.

"You want to talk about it?" Jared asked, noticing Shannon wasn't looking at him.

"Not really." Shannon answered. "Where's Tomo?" Shannon asked him to change the subject. 

"He's asleep like you should be. It's after three." Jared told him.

"Oh. So why aren't you asleep?" Shannon asked, finally turning to face Jared. It made a pang of guilt shoot through him.

"I was but I woke up and saw your bunk empty. You want to tell me what's going on?"

"No. I mean there's nothing going on, Jared. I just can't sleep is all." Shannon said a little annoyed. He didn't want Jared to keep digging because he knew he could never keep anything from him. If Jared pressed long enough the truth would eventually come out and that was the last thing Shannon wanted. 

"Everything's going to be ok, you know that right?" Jared told him.

"Sure." Shannon smiled at his brother.

Jared leaned his head back on the seat as they sat in silence for a little while. Jared was almost asleep when he heard Shannon say, "I'm not sure about everything." It was said low, almost under his breath, making Jared think he wasn't supposed to hear it. 

"Hmmm?" Jared raised his head.

Shannon was silent for a long time then said, "Do you think there are some things that can never be fixed?"

"No, Shan. Anything is fixable." Jared told him.

"I'm not so sure. Sometimes you can do something so terrible that it can't be fixed." Shannon said in a low voice still staring out the window.

"Shannon, you could never do anything that terrible. Not to me anyway." Jared looked over at Shannon waiting for him to turn and look his way.

"HHmmmf" Shannon replied. "I just……" He started to say and then shook his head. He felt tears forming in his eyes.

"Shannnon don't……" Jared said.

"Jared, do you think there is anything I could ever do that you wouldn't forgive me for?" Shannon looked at Jared with small tears in his eyes but turned away when he felt his voice cracking.

"No, Shan. Never." Jared stated. 

Shannon let out a long sigh. "But if you only knew…….." Shannon trailed off in a whisper.

Jared straightened up, grabbed Shannon by his shoulders and looked him in the eyes. "Shannon, there is nothing you could ever do that I wouldn't forgive you for. Nothing." 

Shannon stared at him wide eyed while Jared got up from his seat to leave but paused and turned back to look at Shannon. "I know that you would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. You're my brother and I'll always love you and nothing will ever change that." Then Jared turned around and walked away leaving Shannon more puzzled than ever.


	30. And In the End

June approached and Jared came home to stay until after the baby was born. They pushed their tour until the 3rd then everyone went home for a long break. Jared didn't want to push the tour anymore past that or he'd run the risk of being on the road when Lexi went into labor and he did not want to miss the birth of his daughter. The guys popped in every now and then but Tomo and Matt mostly stayed with their families and girlfriends while they had their break. Shannon tried to come over often but Lexi's hormonal outbursts usually made him leave earlier than he wanted. 

"Ruby?" Lexi was saying as Shannon walked in the door.

"What's wrong with the name Ruby?" Jared asked.

"Seriously? It's old fashioned. Like 'Ethel' or something." Lexi said.

"But it's my grandma's name and she'd be so happy for her first great grandchild to be named after her." Jared pleaded.

Lexi stood there with her hands on her hips. "You've got to be kidding me. We are not naming our daughter Ruby!" Lexi shouted.

"Okay okay" Jared held his hands up in defense.

"So what's up guys? Thinking of names for the baby? What about 'Constance'? Mom would be thrilled!" Shannon said.

Lexi glared at Shannon. "Don't even." 

Jared smiled and said, "Well, why n……" and stopped the minute he saw Lexi's face. His smile fell. He looked over at Shannon and mouthed the word "Run!"

"Okay okay, I can see I'm not wanted in this conversation." Shannon said as he walked into the kitchen. Lexi followed him with her glaring eyes.

"What? What'd I do?" Shannon asked as he opened the fridge. "You guys got anything to eat?"

Lexi huffed. "Just stop talking, Shannon."

Shannon shrugged and leaned into the refridgerator to look.

Jared rolled his eyes then said, "So what's your idea? Let me hear your suggestions since you've shot down all of mine."

"Well yeah, you want to name our daughter after your grandmother or a stripper!" Lexi stomped her foot.

"A stripper?" Jared asked. 

"Brittany? Tiffany?" Lexi gave him a stern look.

"I was just throwing out names I thought sounded pretty." Jared said in defense.

"Well you must have been spending a lot of time in strip clubs then." Lexi said as she gave him a pointed look.

"How about Candace then?" Shannon popped his head from the refrigerator.

Lexi turned around and glared at Shannon. "I'm about 2 seconds away from punching you in the face." 

Jared shot a cold stare at Shannon and mouthed, "You aren't helping."

Shannon started laughing and said, "Oh boy those pregnancy hormones are in full swing!"

"I am not hormonal!!" Lexi yelled.

Jared sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands and said, "Lexi, what's your idea?"

She turned and looked at him and said, "Kayleigh"

Jared thought for a minute. "Kayleigh…..yeah, yeah I like that!"

"Ever since I heard that Marillion song in the 80's I've always really liked that name and it's not real common." Lexi told him.

"Okay, yeah, I like the name "Kayleigh". Okay now how about a middle name?" Jared asked.

"Hmmmm, I'm not sure. What goes with 'Kayleigh'? Lexi pondered.

"Marie, your middle name. I like that. It sounds right. 'Kayleigh Marie Leto'. Jared said.

"Awww that is so sweet!" Lexi said as she went over to Jared and took his face in her hands and kissed him.

"Oh I'm outta here before I hurl." Shannon said as he took a plate of food to his room. 

Lexi laughed. "Ok, I guess I am hormonal." 

"She admits it!" Jared said as he threw his hands in the air. 

"Stop!" Lexi sat on the couch beside him. "Whew, now we've got a name. I'm glad that's over with."

"So when's the baby shower?" Jared asked. 

"Ugh, it's tomorrow afternoon." Lexi told him while absently rubbing her belly. 

"You don't sound happy about it." 

" I hate baby showers. They're so dumb. Vicki's throwing it so I'm sure we'll have to play all those dumb baby shower games." she said.

"And I'll be somewhere far away." Jared told her with a smile.

"Well you know, lately the new thing is to invite men." Lexi teased.

"Oh no, not me. I'm an old fashioned kind of guy." Jared said. 

"Yeah, when it suits you!" Lexi told him, smiling.

"Exactly. Sorry babe but no way am I sticking around for a baby shower." 

"Wherever you're going, take me with you?" Lexi mocked pleading.

"No way. This is all you, babe." Jared kissed her on the forehead.

"Ugh" Lexi pouted.

"Hey, we get free stuff. Think of it that way." Jared told her and ran his fingers through her hair. 

"Yeah" was Lexi's response. 

 

Three nights later Jared awoke to find Lexi in the baby's room moving boxes around. "What are you doing, Lexi? You aren't supposed to be lifting these boxes! And why is the crib halfway put together? I told you I would do it!" 

Lexi stood up and leaned back with her hands pressed against her lower back, "I'm trying to get this show on the road."

"You're what? Are you crazy? It's the 10th! You aren't due until the 15th!" Jared exclaimed.

"Jared, it's not like I have to have the baby ON the 15th. That's the projected due date. It's not like something magical happens on the 15th and an alarm goes off and the baby pops out. It's just an estimate. God, if I go past the 15th I'm going to shoot myself. I'm sick of being pregnant. I'm trying to hurry this baby up." Lexi said and exhaled and started pacing around the room.

"Stop it! You're making me nervous. It's 5 days early. What if the baby's not…….. done or whatever?" Jared said.

Lexi started laughing, "Jared she's not a roast! She's "done". Trust me on that. She's dropped way low I feel like she's going to fall out any minute."

"Really?" Jared said looking scared. 

"Don't worry, I'm not going to have the baby in here. She's not just going to drop out. My water will break first, then the contractions start, then…….."

"I know that! I'm not stupid!" Jared yelled.

"I didn't say you were." Lexi said.

"I know you didn't, baby. Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm just worried and I just want my wife back." Jared leaned against the doorway looking like he was going to cry any minute. "It's just that we haven't argued like this in years."

Lexi walked over and put her arms around Jared. "Yes, I know. I know. I'm sorry. Just let me get this baby out and I'll be back to normal………unless the sleep deprivation makes me bitchy."

"Oh god!" Jared said as he buried his head in Lexi's shoulder.

"Oh come on. It's going to be fine." Lexi laughed. "I just need to get this show on the road." Lexi said as she walked over and opened another box then stacked it on top of another.

"Stop it!" Jared said. 

Suddenly Shannon was in the doorway rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "What the fuck you guys? I can hear you from my room. What are you fighting about?"

"Oh sorry, bro." Jared said.

"Nothing. We aren't fighting." Lexi told him.

"No, she's just trying to have the baby early, that's all." Jared told Shannon as he rolled his eyes.

"She's what?" Shannon said suddenly more awake. 

"Oh not you too. Just go back to bed, Shannon. The baby's not coming tonight." Lexi grabbed another box.

"Whoa, you aren't supposed to be lifting anything!" Shannon pointed at the box Lexi was lifting.

"Just don't bother, Shannon, and go back to bed." Jared told him still leaning against the doorway.

"Okay okay, I'm out." Shannon said as he left the room.

"You go back to bed too." Lexi told Jared.

"Yeah but you're coming with me." Jared said as he grabbed Lexi's hand and ushered her out of the room. He flipped off the light switch and said, "Come on. I can't sleep without you." 

"Okay okay" Lexi decided against protesting. 

 

For the next few days Lexi did everything she could to start labor. She was miserable and Jared was terrified. She rearranged the baby's room, she went for walks with Vicki. She tried everything. Finally on the next night around 7 pm, on June 14th, Lexi's water broke.

"Jared!" Lexi yelled from the couch.

"What?" Jared came walking into the room.

"My water just broke." Lexi told him.

"Oh god, oh god. Um…… ok, um I'm gonna go get your bag. Hang on." Jared went running out of the room. This made Lexi chuckle. Two minutes later Jared came running back into the room with Lexi's bag she'd packed two weeks ago. 

"What are you doing up?" Jared nearly shouted.

"Jared I have to get to the car." Lexi said as she made her way to the door. She stopped suddenly as a contraction hit her. She stood leaning against the wall for a moment until it passed.

"Oh god are you okay?" Jared grabbed her by the arm. 

"Ugh, okay it's gone. Let's go." Lexi said after a few minutes then Jared ushered her out the door.

On the way to the hospital Lexi had two more contractions making Jared panic. "Jared slow down before you kill us. I'm not going to have the baby in the car. We're almost there."

Jared just nodded, looking white as a sheet and terrified. This just made Lexi laugh. 

"What's so funny?" Jared asked. 

"Nothing. Nothing just drop me off at the ER." Lexi said trying to breath in between laughing at him.

After Jared parked the car and came running inside they were already taking Lexi to a room. The nurse hooked her up to a monitor and said, "I'll page Dr. Coburn." 

Jared came in the room out of breath. Lexi looked up at him and said, "Calm down, it'll be a while. My contractions are seven minutes apart."

"Seven minutes!" Jared exclaimed.

"Yes, it will be a little while. Just relax." Lexi told him trying to hide her amusment at his panicking. "Start making some phone calls."

Jared sat down with his Blackberry when a doctor they didn't recognize walked in.

"Hi Lexi, I'm Dr. Greene." He said as he walked over and looked at her monitor. "Everything looks good. The baby's heart rate is normal. Looks like it won't be too long now."

"Where's Dr. Coburn?" Jared asked in a panic. 

"She's on her way, don't worry, I'm just here to check on Lexi and the baby until she gets here. Looks like you've still got a little while. Contractions still seven minutes apart?" 

"Yes" Lexi said as another contraction immediately hit her making her double over in pain.

Jared jumped up, went over to her and grabbed her hand. "Just breathe baby." Was all he could think of to say. 

As the contraction subsided she said, "I know, Jared. I got this." She leaned her head back and Jared stroked her hair.

Dr. Greene looked at his watch and said, "Okay the nurse will be in here to check on you until Dr. Coburn gets here."

"Thanks." Lexi smiled up at him.

As Dr. Greene walked out the nurse walked in. "Hi Lexi, I'm nurse Hathaway. You thirsty?" She said as she looked at Lexi's fetal monitor.

"Mmmm hmmm" Lexi nodded.

"Here's a few ice chips. This should help." She handed the cup to Lexi, looked over Lexi's chart then said, "Is there anything else I can get you right now?"

"Not really." Lexi replied.

"Okay, well everything looks good on the monitor." she told Lexi. 

Jared just stood there with wide eyes looking terrified. 

"Jared! Phone calls?" Lexi said. "Call your mother, then Shannon, then Tomo and Vicki, then….." Lexi stopped as another contraction hit her.

"Okay!" Jared said as he got out his Blackberry and started fumbling with it.

"Are your contractions still seven minutes apart?" the nurse asked.

Lexi nodded.

Just then Dr. Greene popped back in. 

"Okay, Dr. Coburn is here but the anesthesiologist will be in here in just a minute to give you the epidural."

"Oh thank God." Lexi said. 

"What?" Jared cried. "You're not having natural child birth?" 

Lexi looked over at Jared and said, "If you say those words again I'm kicking you out of here."

Nurse Hathaway smiled and said, "Maybe you should make those phone calls."

 

Three hours later Shannon, Constance, Vicki, Tomo, Matt and Libby were all in the waiting room.  
"What's taking so long?" Shannon said as he paced back and forth.

"Shannon it's not taking that long. I was in labor with you for twelve hours." Constance told him.

"Oh god, how long are we going to be here?" Shannon stopped pacing.

"Until the baby is born now stop pacing around. You want me to see if you can go in?" Constance asked.

"Oh hell no. That's not something I want to see." Shannon told her.

"I didn't think so. Now you sit down and wait patiently." His mother told him.

Vicki grabbed Shannon by the arm and ushered him to a seat. "Sit here. We're all worried and on edge but everything's going to be okay. You've just got to be patient. Baby's come in their own time." 

"That's right. She'll be here when she gets here and Jared will come out and tell us." Constance told him. 

Tomo put his arm around Shannon. "Dude, just chill out. Everything will be fine. We've just got to wait." 

Shannon exhaled loudly,"I know. God,I bet Jared is really freaking out." 

Tomo laughed. "I'm sure he is. Hey, one day we're both going to be in the same position. At least we'll have this experience to know what it's like." 

"Hmmmf" Shannon muttered and sat in the seat with him arms crossed. 

For the next two hours everyone paced and worried. Shannon chewed his nails and kept running out to smoke until Jared finally came walking out looking a little haggard and said, "Well it's a girl and she's doing just fine!"

Constance jumped up out of her seat and hugged Jared. "Congratulations son!"

Jared beamed at everyone and said, "Give them a few minutes to get the baby cleaned up and you guys can come in but the doc says only two at a time."

"Constance and Shannon should go first." Vicki said.

When the nurse came out and told them they could come in, Constance and Shannon practically sprinted into the room to find Jared sitting by Lexi's head and Lexi holding her baby bundled up in a blanket.

"Oh my God, she's so tiny!" Shannon said.

"Not that tiny. She's 6 pounds. It seems she didn't want to come out easy." Lexi told him.

"Ugh, Lexi, too much information there." Shannon laughed.

"Oh Shannon, stop!" Constance said. "She's beautiful! Her eyes are bright blue just like Jared's and she has Lexi's brown curls!" Constance was in tears.

Jared hugged his mom and said, "Come on, ma. There's no need for tears. Kayleigh is in perfect health." 

"She's going to be a knock out!" Shannon said, then leaned over and kissed Lexi's cheek, whispering in her ear, "Good job, mom."

Lexi smiled at Shannon then at Jared. Things were finally as they should be. 

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thank you again for reading, leaving kudos and comments. Please feel free to give me your final thoughts on this story. If you've gotten all the way to the end and haven't commented, don't be shy. If you enjoyed this story please recommend it to others.


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